Portals To Hell By Hrmphfft

Bad News: Our boss locked the keys inside the building.

Good News: We didn’t have to wait around for a locksmith.

Bad News: My boss finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my Tragic Backstory™. I was too embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at thirteen, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress cute girls.

Good News: A cute girl saw me do it.

Bad News: It was Maggie, and since she’s already seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just too damn small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, she’ll never think I’m cool no matter what I do. It’s too late. She knows.

fuck algebra i don’t need it just give me a dead body and i’ll figure it out from there

Count them, I dare you

Reblog for golf cart monkey

x

I think next thursday is gonna be the best day of my entire life tbh

Me: yeah I've been eating nothing but buckshot for like six days is that gonna be a problem?

Nurse who runs the MRI machine: Duuude this is gonna be so cool