People Get Tired Of You Being Sick

You’re not reading this by accident.

Everything is going to be okay.

Breathe and remember that you’ve been in this place before.

You’ve been this uncomfortable, anxious and scared, and you survived.

Close your eyes and feel the universe within you making a way for you right now.

Crying is actually the fucking worst. Its fucking garbage. I would rather just. Fucking...Not. 

Just going to livetumbl my entire episode because I'm alone and might as fucking well.

If only it could be so easy

Life update: Mood swings and depression are at an all-time high. Very horrible. Im not myself lately. I'm mean, nasty, and lashing out at all my loved ones. Trying to convince them to hate me, because if they hate me they can't be sad when im dead. Im actively suicidal and always very close to doing something or hurting myself. Exhausting. I went to the doctors today. Wanted to tell her about my horrible depression, but my mother was there. Got cold feet. Doctor told me Neurology doesn’t do POTS testing at ucsf but Cardiology does, so I’m getting referred for possible table testing. And the Disease place replied back to her and is requesting testing for Lyme because of everything I told them about how sick I am/get , so I had blood work done today. If I come back negative then I don't have to worry at all about it, apparently. But they are running three different types of testing and splotches to make sure. Unfortunately nothing back from mental health though. Which I need badly. I break down crying at nothing  Im just awful in every way...How can he say im getting better..?

I am in a lot of pain, and very emotionally unstable. Everything feels 20x harder on me today. I just want to be done with everything.  Gonna smoke some and try to sleep, if the pain doesn't stop me.

What I say: I'm off to bed now, goodnight!

What I mean: I'm going to dissociate for a few hours until I drift into sleep, goodnight!

I honestly believe that people who lost their childhood, teenage years to mental illness and/or trauma are so strong for still being here. Especially once you’re about 18-25 and trying to relearn how to be in society and healthy and human.

Especially when you decide to work towards getting better.

Especially when your life isn’t where you wished it would be.

Stay alive okay? If you lost your youth, I’m sorry and I’m so proud of you for still being here. Keep fighting. Your best years are ahead of you.

There is no specific amount of time a switch can take. Some systems switch in a split second, some switch within 30 seconds, a minute, five minutes, or even hours! It all depends on the system and the reason for the switch.

-Casper

I actually feel like I am in the worst low mood of my life and I feel utterly terrible and like I want to die. And It makes me so angry that one tiny little thing just fucking smacked me from the purest beautiful holy cloud nine onto the fucking cold heartless concrete without mercy. I literally have not stopped crying for like over an hour. I hate my life and I want to just throw myself off the stupid balcony fuck me.