Palo Alto (2013)

50's Bois (2008) by Syd London

megan lynne

they should invent a butch that likes me back

diary of an aging girl #1

I grew up with this overwhelming shadow of discreetness, I stayed still in the uncomfortable seats of my school waiting for my peers to turn and acknowledge me.

In being discreet and timid, my need to feel more than a child, more than a girl hoping for a better future came to fruition. I think about it now and how desperate of a fourteen year old I was, desperate to be understood and taken care of. To talk with someone who understood my feelings more than I did, who had already surpassed the years of longing and had become their own person.

What transpired until I became an adult was something sinister and addictive. I can read back through my old journals and see this girl who knew what she wanted even in the haze of desperation, even when she knew it was wrong.

But I can remember the intricate ways in which these men who were aware of my age understood this brutal need and took my desperation as a total yes into corrupting something that should have been mine for many years to come. It had happened too fast and for too long, when my mind was trying to come to terms with an identity brewing.

I like to think I have put past those memories, especially after coming out as a lesbian. I still have this need to be wanted and it distorts with my hypersexual tendencies. It’s not a good thing and framing my younger self as desperate is not ideal since I’m sure at the time it was just a need to feel desired.

-doaag xx

I Got Heaven-Mannequin Pussy

do you love me now? ✺*ೃ༄

i want to pull my ribcage open and place you inside next to my heart. to hold you close. to keep you warm. to keep you safe.

i'll tear my body apart for you

i want to do so much. i know i could be good at some stuff but i choose to sit on my bed with tears and my teddies under my head. i choose to fuck up my life i’m too young to be having an existential crisis

i want to take care of a butch lover so much. i want to kiss their arms when they're sore or tired and hold their hands in mine circling heart shapes on their palms. i want to hug their neck and hold their head safe and close to my chest to tuck them away from the noise of their day. i want to gently caress their nape and neck, calling them "darling" and "adored", listening to their worries and whispering back the most softest words. having them sleep on my body, while i keep the warmth of the blanket in check to cover them fully. make them something sweet as they prefer, smooch their lips the moment they're asking what i'm making for them. filling them with "i love you"s at the most random moments and finding incredibly aching to be departing from their closeness even for a moment. because i adore them so deeply. because i constantly want to remind them that they're everything to me.

i hate acting insane but i’m grounding myself with the fact that this is time to act like it, like yes i can tell the person i like that im only for them yes i can