People In My Dreams Are So Mean Sometimes...i Created You Dude, Can You Chill?

Oh... [twirls hair] ...I wish there was an autistic person willing to explain the life cycle of salmon to me ...[bats eyelashes]

i dont know why id waste time boring myself by telling lies for the sake of seeming normal in a social situation when i could tell lies for the sake of seeming like a peculiar entity. why would i pretend to be friends with someone i hate when i could say “i hate you” and spend my time instead training myself to politely nod and say a random name every time i see a bird in order to convince strangers that i have memorised and named all the pigeons in my local area

"hey how are you?" my insides are being scraped out with pottery tools and i am about to throw up on your shoes.

Source: Associated Press

Whatever *sticks my dick in the gap between who you are and who you portray yourself as*

im like if an elderly man was barely a legal adult. im always complaining about back pain and being eccentric and walking off injuries instead of going to the doctor and using weird sayings and getting annoyed when people interrupt my daily rituals. but also i need to lie about my age on US alcohol websites

i always turn off whatever music im playing before i go to the bathroom because i am deeply paranoid that i will unintentionally pavlov myself into pissing myself whenever i hear that song. anyway, piss freaks are welcome to use this as a convoluted fic premise if they want.

“As Céline Dion is trending, take a minute to remember her namesake, the endangered solenodon”

— New Scientist

terrible news for the bitches who hate me, i got my blood test back and i officially don't have lead poisoning.

bitches hate me bc i enjoy a nice glass of cold milk. also unrelated but i might have lead poisoning.

i dont want a fuck-buddy i want a fight-buddy where we mutually consent to occasionally beating the shit out of each other