Not Self Diagnosed Not Professionally Diagnosed But A Secret Third Thing (peer Reviewed Autism)

tragic and heartbreaking, guy who wants to have conversations can't think of conversation topics

Day 2 Self-Love Journal Prompt

2. Your best accomplishment-

I think my biggest accomplishment in my own eyes right now is the effort I’m putting into bettering myself. My goal for the last year has been to do things that scare me instead of avoiding them. I’ve started dressing in a way that express the way I feel now, I’m more creative with my makeup, I feel more confident in myself than I ever have right now. I started counselling last week, and I’m (slowly) starting to utilize my college’s gym to keep myself healthy. I want to do better for myself, and I’m proud of all the effort I’ve put in so far.

being an adult is just saying to yourself “this is the weekend i’ll clean my [x]” and then proceeding to not do that because it’s the weekend and you deserve to relax, goddamnit

I’m not canonically autistic but it’s strongly implied

Being silly together is my favorite type of intimacy.

hi! how are you? ı hope you are having a nice day. do you have a favorite poet? can ı request a poem, if any?

:')

hiii

my favorite poet atm is Richard Siken. It changes a lot, but I adore poetry with strong specific imagery but that doesn't outwardly say anything, you know? I don't want them to tell me they love the person who left them. I want them to describe their overcoat's smell and the sheer hopelessness of life and a stranger's hands, or maybe something fantastical and absurd, and through that I want them to convey their message. Here's your poem, I hope you enjoy it :)

Eucharist

I am opening myself up

again, slowly,

prying my fingers into the dust-lined cracks

at the great cathedral doors of my

being, feeling splinters and soft

old wood meet my fingers like a warning:

you do things this way,

you might get hurt.

The warning never changes

but the outcome sometimes does and so

I dig my nails

in, feel ancient dirt gather

beneath them, and I pull. Wood creaking

like bones shifting, like mountains breathing,

and the light begins to spill in again,

and fear evaporates

the way mist does when the sun

brushes the hills in the morning,

and we are inside once more-

the stained glass still glitters,

the sound still

chatters off of every great stone palisade,

ringing,

a choir of one voice, just mine, crying out:

If I do it, it will be with love.

If I do it, it will be for love.

Day 3 Self-Love Journal Prompts

3. When do you feel most confident?

Confidence is s difficult concept for me. For years I've struggled with confidence in social settings and I struggled with making and keeping friendships. But in this time period, I rarely struggled with any body insecurities. I was comfortable in how I looked for the most part, and where I wasn't I was at least neutral. In recent years my social confidence has grown a little bit, especially since moving away to college. I've been forced out of my shell a little and had to make an all new set of friends. with that though, my confidence in my appearance has dipped a bit. My weight has increased since COVID in 2020 and at first it didn't bother me, but last Summer and Fall were rough. I'm at a point now though where I've kind of found my own personal style, and that's made having to buy new clothes that fit a little easier on me. I'm at least neutral about my insecurities most days now, if not comfortable.

Because of the fluctuation of my self confidence, I've indulged a bit in some of the things that help me feel more confident. One way I've done this is by experimenting with my style! (pictures below lol) While I'm definitely not that edgy, I've been having a lot fun wearing jewelry, makeup, and clothing that in the past would have been out of my comfort zone. I'm still finding my style, but taking the time to stretch my personal taste and experiment has really helped me :)

i looooove characters who are sacrificial lamb coded. characters who have never lived for themselves. characters born to be a tool, a weapon, a sacrifice, all of the above. a character raised by the heroes to save the world, at any expense, even their own health, even their own life. a character raised by the villains to end the world, at any expense, even their own health, even their own life. characters who are denied personhood so they can be used as tools instead. characters who never even had a chance to be people because they were shaped into something else from the moment they were born. characters who were born to die.

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