There's Something So Inherently Vulnerable About Dentist's Offices, Even Beyond The Hands In Your Mouth.

booting up... - [31/01/2024]

fanart of my friend's onion that inadvertently sprouted in a dark cupboard. dark cupboard onion the beauty that you are.....

I make new discoveries everyday..

Something I struggle with is the question of if I'm 'strong' or 'weak'.

Not to steel-ball-run my words but I mean in the sense of a protagonist. Some protagonists have a mind of steel. They take hardship on the chin and take on the burden of responsibility, or honor, or martyrdom. The stories I love to read the most are characters with little to no talent. They grind at the wall of talent and background until nothing remains, through the power of concerted effort and their only true talent of the iron will.

But I don't have that. I never have. I don't even find it relatable. I have spent my entire life keenly aware of it. I coast on talent, I lean on familial benefits, I give up when the going gets tough, and I choose the path of least resistance and most stability.

When I grew up the faculty of my school always would put the word GRIT on the walls. This hard won effort and willingness to endure that they advertised as the height of true internal strength. At the time, I was far too mentally ill, and found it insulting. Don't they know that some people can't afford effort?

Then time passed. I stamped down some illnesses and corralled some others, I become a new man a dozen times. And every time I'd check. Just maybe I'm strong now. Please. Please make me someone who can withstand hardship. Because I lived in fear of falling into hard times and being unwilling to survive them.

Other people lived in spite of circumstance. They fought and whether they win or lose it let them grow as a person. I just built myself from spare parts. I did not grow organically, I just kept replacing pieces of myself until I looked like a real person.

So I wondered. Did I live well under an unfathomable weight, and now I simply do not feel it? Or have I always lived it on easy street, whining over something small? Or is it some combination, and if so, am I stronger than I was when I was younger? Or have I grown complacent?

It's meaningless. I know it is. There's no way to quantify it. I'll just have to live without knowing if what I'm fighting is strong enough to warrant my current standard of suffering.

i dont think ive put motivational sloster.mp4 on tumblr yet

also a gif version

When I talk about how I don't like sex, it's so people like me can feel "more normal" and not so "broken". Not so everyone else can feel "less normal".

Can't believe we still have to say stuff like that all the time in any context of advocacy but this isn't about making things worse for you. It's about making stuff a little bit better for everyone so everyone can be seen. Not even necessarily understood. Just seen.

(PS: I don't wanna put a disclaimer on literally all of my posts to say I mean no ill to allo people. That should be implied. With that said, to all the allo people who DON'T react like that: thank you. Y'all give me hope.)

autism disphoria, where you're having such good fun at an event but when you see picture of yourself you were just :| the whole damn fucking time (as illustrated below)

Just because she's gone doesn't mean everything is perfect. (More discussion in the Read More)

OHHHH IM NORMAL IM SO NORMAL DO YOU KNOW HOW NORMAL I AM ABOUT THESE TWO???? THE REGULAR AMOUNT OF NORMAL.

Quad's arc between 20-G4 is something I go back to constantly, episode 23 specifically. But this comic was inspired by a moment in G4, when Quad went out to get coffee for the group, which included Blora and Susan.

I think it was a difficult transition for Quad to go from catering to Order's every wish because that's what he thought love was, to understanding that people will like him just the way he is, not for what he can do. But it's okay, he now has a support system that will help him along :')

Update!

I ended up showing this to a few friends when the topic of 'kink negotiation' came up and because I think it's super important I used my results as an example of how it could be used to measure kink compatibility. And apparently a few of them took it, so I'll consider that a win for shamelessness, lol.

I took the BDSM quiz today after hearing about it on a JAnderson Stream Vod. I thought it'd be fun to plunk around and take it while slacking at work.

And here I am, looking at the results. They're accurate to what I answered but seeing it all laid out like that is. Uncomfy.

I thought I had reached a threshold of shamelessness that I would be able to send this to my friends but the results are ones I'm feeling weird about posting to my Kink Diary Tumblr that has No Connection to my Real Name.

I gotta work on my shamelessness. Shame is for the Catholics, man.

Idk. If you got questions, concerns, or criticisms about my kink preferences, send an ask or message and I'll answer it.

To add to this, because I realized I hadn't said It, this sort of 'non-aversion' applies to depictions of love or romance in a work. I have never, and expect I will never, develop a crush on someone beyond the (I think uniquely asexual? Lemme know.) Concept of 'friend-lust' where you end up thinking 'i like them so much platonically, if it meant getting closer, I'd do a relationship for their benefit.' (a usually wrong or unhelpful thought.)

I'm actually a sucker for vicarious romance and the more tender flavors of love in a literary work. I've never felt these things myself, but isn't it the purview of great authors to make you feel emotions you've never felt?

It's that very thing that made me genuinely unsure whether I should put Aro in my blog name, but I do believe that to be true for me right now. Maybe other Aro's experience this, but I sometimes find myself wishing I could feel it, even though I don't. I wanted to add context to this, but it's getting long and is its own post, so find that if you want.

We putting the diary in aroacekinkdiary today, gamers.

The name of this blog might be confusing to some, I realize.

For context, I am asexual and aromantic. For those that care, I'm mixed to sensuality, but platonic touch is nice.

I'm genuinely unsure why, but while the idea of having sex, watching sex, or otherwise engaging with sex personally makes me something between nauseous-due-to-anxiety and digusted, I have no such hangups about writing or art containing it. I find it to be a very interesting way for characters to express themselves conceptually, and even find a not insignificant amount of -uh- personal gratification from it. Not sure if that counts as sex repulsed, I'm no expert, but at the very least I know I have libido.

Part of this blog is me trying to figure out how that, and a few other pieces, fit into the puzzle of who I am. If you're Asexual or know a lot about it and think you have good input, I invite it.

Plus, I love this stuff a lot as an art form, and I think I'm tired of wishing I could talk about my thoughts on it. So, I'm gonna post it instead, follow for more DnD content and Art I reblog and porn game/webnovel reviews I make if you want, I guess??