On Learning Palestine Does Not Exist By Fargo Nissim Tbakhi

ON LEARNING PALESTINE DOES NOT EXIST

The news comes quick, like a bird against the window pane. “Thank god!” I say, mopping the sweat from my brow, a tenor-relief. I slip out of my clothes, set my house on fire, dance my way to the bank. “Sorry,” I explain to the teller, smiling sympathetically, “I cannot pay for that loan, as I do not exist!” Skip into the street, hop into a stranger’s car. Hey, who took my car??! Couldn’t have been me- I don’t exist! Sorry, sorry. Wrong nightmare. (My face carefully frozen into an innocent’s mask.) Into the supermarket I go, grab armfuls of those little packets of chocolate donettes, waltz back out. “Don’t worry,” to the cashier, “insurance will cover an act of god, if not a robbery.” I yank the payphone to my ear, practically sing “Sorry, Kate! I won’t be able to make it to your wedding. I seem to have developed a bad case of ephemerality. I don’t think I will recover- perhaps forget you ever thought you knew me.” Click! Farewell, RSVP’s! Farewell, whooshing deadlines! Farewell temporality! Hello never, hello always. I spit gleefully on cars. Throw rocks. Bust open the fire hydrant, bust open the button-down in the freezing cold. My imaginary chest begins to turn blue. When my friends and family are angry with me, I simply walk away; fiction does not owe anything to reality! I can’t believe I ever thought myself a body. Can’t believe I ever thought myself solid enough. Shivering in the cold, when the electricity has gone, I remind myself: fiction does not owe anything to reality. But doesn’t reality owe a little something to fiction? A bite to eat? Some warm water? Some cool water? After a while I stop sticking my tongue out at passersby, because they stop looking shocked. After a while, night soaks in and doesn’t leave. Maybe I like it. Maybe it’s too lonely. Maybe I shouldn’t have listened to anyone that wasn’t me. In the abandoned parking lot, each space is occupied by a single Palestinian, all of us looking straight ahead, no one touching. No solidarity with wisps. No community in illusion. I touch myself and wonder if I’m still there. The fly that won’t leave me alone reminds me someone, at least, believes in me, and that I am sweet. That’s enough. Enough. Enough. That’s enough.

On learning Palestine does not exist by Fargo Nissim Tbakhi

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