I'm Sorry. I'll Think About What I Did 😔 (I'll Think About How More Angsty My Interpretation Of Bell

I just had a thought about Bell's dreams during his time with the CIA after brainwashing. To be more specific, I had a thought that Bell occasionally might have been dreaming of bells (ironic, isn’t it). Though, feel like Bell wouldn’t dream just some random bells. It could have been church bells. To Bell most of these kinds of dreams would be terribly vague, just the view of some greyish sky/landscape and the sound of church bells. I think this is how Bell’s subconsciousness was hinting to them that something was wrong, though they couldn’t tell what. And the sounds of those church bells could have mentally reminded them of Solovetsky and hinting at Perseus' location all along. After all, Perseus was meant to be in Solovetsky Monastery (a place with a church).

So yeah, that’s just a little thought I had :3

“What’s your favourite scene in attack on titan?”

“Oh probably -”

Well MINE is the scene Reiner and Bertholdt confess but it’s specifically the three seconds after they confess where the sun shines through the clouds and the music swells and it feels like the whole world has stopped and my whole brain reboots and -

what’s in a name?

alluded to it in my last adlerbell rot post but i have such a complex over adler naming bell and i find it difficult to put into words. so here’s a very lengthy attempt:

most of the symbolism behind bell’s name is obvious and doesn’t need much stating: it’s indicative of adler’s ownership of bell, literally naming them like a pet, his property. obvious also that a bell was used in their conditioning; as well as a reference to the study of classical conditioning itself by pavlov, who similarly used a bell to condition behavioural responses in the test subject: a dog (hence the myriad dog imagery/symbolism in adlerbell fics… it’s like crack to me)

but the obvious aside it always hits me deepest as part of the “it wasn’t personal” narrative. it’s insanely personal- it’s intimate. i think i put adlerbell on a little bit of a pedestal to view everything about them through a vaguely romanticised lens, but to me it really is- in the most horrifically tragic and sickening way- romantic.

like, you’re bell, right? you trust this man, bell. he is your friend. you witnessed some of the worst atrocities of mankind and survived hell with him and he is your friend. he calls your name through the smoke and gunfire, as a bullet zips past your ear you hear it amidst the splitting of shrapnel, the tearing of screams silenced for but a moment. each time he extends his arm to pick you up, he calls you, bell. every time he directs you to a point of interest, he beckons you, bell. when he nudges you out of your cot in camp haskins, it’s your name he laughs, bell. when he praises you, and smiles at you in that wry, almost boyish way, and tells you how good of a job you’ve done, how we couldn’t have done it without you, how they should be thanking you- it’s your name, bookended, every time, a fondness notched into the welding that stamps you both together inseparably. bell. every single association you have to your name is whenever he pulls you close, helps you, praises you, saves you. your name alone a positive association- to the respect and affection he has for you. bell.

and it’s to the point. adler says their name at any given moment he can. he says it so often it’s infuriating. like deadass take a shot every time. it’s practically a trope in any fic featuring the two, that he utters their name every other line of dialogue. it’s the first thing he says to them at the start of the game- walking into the safehouse at west berlin- not a word, but their name. sure, obviously isn’t the first time he’s spoken to bell, knowing what came before- but it’s presumably bell’s first time walking around freely since mk ultra. that coupled with the trigger phrase must make for a very pliant response- when he says their name, it’s the same man, as far as bell knows, who fought with them back to back in vietnam. something thicker even than blood.

and i reckon adler likes it. mk ultra was a joint effort but bell’s past is based on his choosing, his memories. by no means did he have to pick their name, but he did. he chose to name the thing he’s helped create. it’s almost sick that the ‘closeness’ bell feels towards adler is really only partially synthetic- over a span of months adler really was there, every day, talking for hours and conditioning them over and over and over again. of course he’d name them. something something don’t name an animal you don’t want to get attached to. but it’s his animal. it’s his dog. they’re his bell.

and there’s something just so sickening and so adler that he could have named them anything else in the world- maybe something inconspicuous and plain, like john or jane; something sweet, something that reminds him of someone else, a song he likes, a nickname, an insult, or even something downright cruel. but i don’t think anything could be more cruel and tragically appropriate than calling them by the name of the instrument you used to condition them. to call them by the tool you used to enslave their mind. the very thing that reset their entire being to zero. a bell. not just their name- but the sound, ever ringing, in the back of their mind. the thing that echoes in the empty inside them, to remind them why it’s empty in the first place, its sole purpose to keep them chained in their loyalty to adler. bell.

like i said, i do really think adler likes it. for whatever reason. ownership, spite, just a way to rub salt in the wound any chance he gets, a small victory only he gets to revel in, right in their face. but bell is his. bell belongs to him. when he says their name, it’s the one he chose. time and patience came alongside that bell that rang perpetual in that lab. he’s said that name as many times as he rang it. maybe a part of adler’s as attached to that instrument as much as he is the person he named after it. i’m sure adler hears it chiming in the recesses of his own mind more than he’d care to admit. he’d been around to hear it as long as bell has, hadn’t he? maybe part of him has grown conditioned in his attachment to that instrument too.

but there must be a semblance of pride when he says it. really, to be able to beckon your dog by the name you chose for it. i wonder if a swell of maddened joy tugs at his blackened heart whenever he sees bell’s head perk up at the sound of their name, the one he chose, as implicit and unthinking, automatic, as though it truly were their own. since birth.

and like it couldn’t be enough that he took everything from them. and most importantly that he took them away from perseus- that he stole perseus’ most precious comrade right out from under him, and turned them to an unflinching loyal pup for himself. this isn’t about you, this isn’t about me, this is about millions of other fucking people. is it? when you croon and tut their name between every sentence, are you sure you don’t just like the satisfaction of saying it, knowing how deeply it disarms them? knowing how they are wholly yours, to their very core? to the name they introduce themselves as? to the one they flinch and come running whenever you say it?

ugh. it’s just- a name is so integral to one’s identity. it shapes their life. their personhood. and he didn’t just erase theirs, but he gave them a new one and made sure they’d like it. a conditioned response of pleasure whenever he’d say it. isn’t that intimate?

he took everything. every single shred of who they were. that not even their name is their own. that even their name, their name, belongs entirely to him.

this didn’t make sense, i wrote this mostly for myself, congrats if u read this far. i just wanted to have every single thought and feeling i had about it jotted in one place and file it away ajshsjksjsjsjs

its my b-day!! the best present for an artist is a repost ;)

obligatory doodle

At first playing the new black ops I thought it was kind of out of character the way adler was behaving. He has been quite goofy and light hearted and then I realised it actually makes perfect sense. Nearly every interaction adler had in Cold War was through bells eyes. To adler, bell is the enemy. Of course he was naturally serious and kind of blunt with bell, he knows what bell is, and he doesn’t like them. But in black ops 6, adler is surrounded by those he considers allies. It kind of hurt tbh because it just makes the ‘betrayal’ of Cold War hit so much harder. Bell never saw the true adler because they were an outsider. They didn’t know that of course, but adler did which is why he kept his distance emotionally 🤧

I like to think that in some weird, fucked up way, adler did start to like bell and develop a soft spot for them, but he remained wary, and life just worked against them

Shout-out to multilingual writers who are writing in their second (or third and so on) language.

The frustration of speaking it fluently, but still having to google basic words when you're writing.

The absolute joy of finding a word that sounds just perfect and conveys exactly what you mean.

Doubting all your grammar and being afraid to post it or even send it to a beta reader.

The euphoria of someone calling your use of this language, that is not your mother tongue, beautiful.

Is it too weird that I've been thinking about something similar? 😞

The dichotomy between tenderness and torture Bell would've received during the MK-ULTRA process is something that is very special to me. Tenderness in the wound care they would have needed to receive in order to keep them from dying from the bullet wound they got on the Trabzon Airfield and Torture from all the physical and mental pain that was inflicted on them with the express goal of grinding their entire being to a stub in order to be rebuilt in Adler's image.

#I think it is completely safe to say that they MIGHT be fucking #but holy sh*t, what an analysis #I love your brain, OP

Frank Woods and Russell Adler

Long ass post of me talking about the relationship between these two

So I didn't really pay much heed to their relationship until now; it just felt like two characters that were given a few connections here and there to fit Adler into the Black Ops universe.

But the more I looked into them, I find a lot more going on between them—enough for me to believe that aside from Mason, Adler might be the closest person Woods has in his life.

So how did it start?

We learn that Woods knew Adler since Vietnam (presumably during MACV-SOG operations, which both Woods and Adler headed). Their relationship isn't exactly highlighted in Cold War, but there's a lot of subtle yet notable interactions between the two:

This little bit brings me so much joy

[Credit to @flyingraijinn]

In the first cinematic, where Russell gets questioned by the officials if his plan was necessary and he responds that they don't have to listen to him—guess who's the first to jump to his defense?

Though this one's subtle, I find it important. Adler keeps Bell within his or Park's sights almost at all times, but the one op where they can't, who does he trust to go with Bell?

Though I doubt Woods knew about Bell, I feel Adler trusted him enough to handle them should they go berserk.

Right after, when the jig is up about the greenlight nukes and Hudson spins the blame on Adler for not apprehending Perseus before, Woods doesn't even need to be told to square up and beat this bitch up a second time

❌️ Woods was stopped by Adler ✅️ Woods let Adler stop him

The last bit, even though it's not canon, I wanted to call attention to

[Skip to 2:46]

It's them! They fucking lied to us! That true, Bell?

Though Adler was already suspicious, its Frank's words that prompted him to finally question them. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, but it seems like it was Woods that made Adler pause and question if, just maybe, he'd failed.

You wanna load up the body? Fuck if I care. Leave it for Perseus to find.

Even after the main game, when Adler is captured, of course he's the first to go look for him

And the one to find him

Even in the field when Adler's on an op, he's in the background keeping an eye on him

And goes back to Hudson to report on him when he goes dark

Now, onto BO6, where their relationship is pulled into focus:

First, we have the starting piece that sets BO6 in motion

Woods doesn't take shit talk pt.2

Yes indeed that is Frank Woods defending a wanted fugitive that is, as far as they're concerned, responsible for his state, even as pos Livingstone is actively grilling them.

Then this <3

If I'm not wrong, this is the first time we see Adler genuinely not be an asshole

And then the second time

The fact that he'd let Woods despise him just to keep him safe is 🥹

And a third time, when he rushes to his aid despite the burning house around him

Now, how is this possible? Why are they so close? In fact, you'd think Woods would hate Adler the same way he hates Hudson—the authority, the methodical nature, the secrecy—you'd think it was a no brainer. And so did I, for a long time.

So it surprised me when I heard Woods speak so highly of Adler, not even having the slightest of doubts against him:

[Skip to 1:40]

Adler? Turn against his brothers for cash? Are you kidding me? Those threads he loves, they ain't cheap now. Listen, I know he can be a goddamn psychopath, I get it. But he's on our side. He's just got his own way of doin' things.

And even when Harrow was interrogated and she told the truth about her parents, Woods vehemently refused to believe her. Even as far as questioning the victim's own memory and calling her parents traitors.

So why does he place this insane amount of trust in Adler?

Well, he gives us—Case—the answer.

I've known Adler since 'Nam. Give it twenty years, he'll grow on you.

Russell fought with him in Vietnam.

No shit, yeah. But remember how tight knit Woods was to his fellow soldiers. He even cried when the young recruit died in the first game.

So of course, fighting alongside Adler in a hellhole would've brought them closer together.

You keep believin' in the ones who got your back, go to battle for you. Adler was one of those.

Of course Adler had Woods' back; it's Vietnam, you're not surviving without having your team's back. It's not a stretch to say they went through life and death moments that they survived solely because of each other.

But another large part of why I believe Woods respects Adler is because he's, surprisingly, a lot more similar to Woods than meets the eye.

Think back to Break on Through. All the memories that Adler has Bell relive. His memories. Who else but him could describe such scenes in detail? He was the one that survived the helicopter crashing into the trees. He was the one that treaded through trenches in the night dodging a field of VC. He was the one that took out practically invisible snipers gunning for him from the trees. He was the one that cleared a village of the convoy and defended American troops under fire. He's the soldier that survived all that.

He's a killer; a monster, make no mistake. A monster that wasn't always assigned behind a desk holding the title of an officer—hidden behind a mask of nonchalance and charm. And Woods knows that monster. Woods respects that monster.

Adler's persona is ultimately an act. He appears uncaring and practical, but his true nature always slips through. He doesn't get along with Hudson, nor with Park's pragmatic nature. He makes split second decisions not on logic, but his instincts—hell, sometimes even his wishes. He gets vicious, loses his cool, and is unrelenting in his goals, refusing to be deemed some washed up old man. That's the true Adler peeking through—forever embedded yet somehow hidden in the lines stretching across his face, only ever showing its ugly head when he's pushed to the limit.

Who else would know it better than Woods, from a place where you survive by being nothing but vicious?

As for Adler, he too tells Case why he holds Woods close when he seems to do so for very few:

He's loyal.

Russell values loyalty: when he leads people into the eye of the storm, he needs loyal men following him without question. It's why he gave Belikov no choice but to get him the keycard, expected Sims and Park to fall in line and help his ass, made sure Bell obeyed him like a dog; it's why he even orders Case around like one (more on that later). He's a natural born leader that needs people with him and all the decisions he makes, questionable as they are.

And when he's taken to playing the villain with such commitment, to still have a friend that believes in him and his choices—a close comrade he's known from his oldest and darkest days on the job? He'll allow him into his heart, if even just a little.

That or theyre fucking idk

HELLO??? OP, WHAT WERE YOU ON WHEN WRITING THIS??? I LOVE IT

park, paired with bell! reader. this is based off an anonymous ask i received this month who just wanted a short drabble of this. this is meant to be with a female reader but i feel like i left it neutral enough anyone can read it. adler with reader is there too if you squint.

you hated adler for what he did to you.

he wore you down, molded you from inner thigh to neck; ankle to wrist; knuckle to knee. your life before him might’ve as well been nonexistent, just constant blurs and the struggle to recall your own mother’s face. he stole years, months, and days from you.

hang your head, knees to your chest as you nearly gave out on the world's seemingly shittiest couch or gurney in berlin, every touch and sound a million miles away. your body's newfound love for benzos left you weak and shivering, even with the heater on. followed by painful stomach aches and hallucinations of adler's hand on your cheek or nape of your neck. cigarette smoke from park became a pleasant sensation, keeping her keen eye on you and pressing soft fingers to your pulse every few minutes before she would continue examining whatever was in the boringly beige manila folder. you'd wish someone would ask how you're feeling, just so you could beg for them for something. you were unsure of what you wanted exactly; maybe to o.d. the next time they shoved a needle full of god knows what into your blossoming bruised arm? more of park's hands on you? more of adler's?

"stop that." you weren't aware you were harshly digging and scratching at your arm until she had said something, which felt like more like an echoing command from god rather than a caretaker's "gentle" ask.

of course, you didn't stop because what was park even talking about? in your head, you weren't doing anything, arms crossed and hands still, knees pointing towards her in that flimsy blue gown. she'd have to hold your hand until you fell back under, not cruel enough to restrain someone who was clearly high off ketamine and whatever else mk-ultra supplied the team with to keep you in control. her hands were soft and to you, she smelled like what hybrid violas looked like.

you couldn't pinpoint it but it was grounding enough that through half-lidded eyes, you'd just trace the curves of her face. you felt the same way about park that you did adler but you were gentler in mercy towards her, wanting something more and unidentifiable from her—maybe even as much as you wanted her hands on you again, same as the day as she had to preform cpr on you, ribcage crunching under the hands you mistook for loving and careful.