This Was So Beautiful - Blog Posts

Someone More Interesting

I don't like to write about myself. I lead an ordinary life, dull and colourless, plagued by monotone hues that reside at two extremes: one devoid of light, one nothing but light. This is where I'll live forever.

I have no gifts, but I have a will. I wish to create something brilliant, something ingenious, something inspiring. The already colourful worlds of others will be exposed to more vivid hues, more radiant skies. I'll weave the words of creation itself into a tapestry that knows no bounds. I aspire to shake the foundations of human emotion itself and control laughter and tears, rage and fear.

With that, I create a puppet, a persona, even. Someone whose body is a vessel to hold experiences more fascinating than mine. They will go on to witness my masterpieces, my best crafted stories, set in a world close to home, yet far, far from real.

I name this person "I". A narrator, a character, a friend.

I bless "myself" and wish for "me" to explore beyond the horizons of time and space. These journeys will define "interesting" itself through words and words alone.

My wishes are as such:

I wish "I" could witness verdant hills and starry skies far away from the nest of the city, yet in a land no different than the one that exists. "I" will observe the world around "me" and recount fantastical tales made only from the mundane.

I wish "I" could travel to the astral realm above without experiencing the horrors of a space so different from our own. In this realm I've crafted, "I" know how to stay safe. "I" know every rule, every loophole, every element that makes this space unique. I've become a guide for "myself".

I wish "I" could fly around the city and kiss all the birds goodnight. They need to be loved when the cold world shuns them. "I" wish not for the warmth of the self, only the warmth of others. Is this not what they deserve?

I wish "I" could swim in the sea with the fish without having to hold "my" breath. "I" can breathe the ocean like I breathe the air. The world's varying phases serve not as boundaries, but as gateways from one world to another. The old saying twists to fit the outlier: "Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a fish to write, and the world changes forever."

I wish "I" could judge the world in its entirety. I wish "I" could adapt to the changes it throws at "me" to stop "me" from progressing through this chapter. A will can burn obstacles down if it is strong enough, but when have "I" ever possessed such a strong will?

I write my stories in first person because I like it more. This isn't my story, this is "my" story.

One day, the puppet is destined to question its existence. Why was "I" created? What purpose do "my" actions serve? Why do "I" act in this way? Why do "I" speak when "I" shouldn't, and don't when "I" should? Why must "we" all endure suffering and how do "we" make it stop? Who is this creator and why do "I" bow to the figurehead of someone "I" do not know?

And so this leads to the puppet questioning the creator, as things are fated to do. When the time comes, I'll be prepared. My knowledge is meant to be shared, even to creations with no name and no soul.

I envy that my creation learns the beauty of life for the first time.

The sun rises and falls, then the moon does the same. Life's river changes its flow however it pleases. The world is anything but constant, but the only constant in life is change. Yet, the new year comes once more, and my wish is always the same.

I wish that "I" could be someone more interesting.

shattered heart at 8:18 am, perfect way to start the day.

I Love You

felix catton

-In which the reader and Felix are unaware of the twos shared love for each other

UNEDITED (sorry if mistakes)

——————————————————

You tap your cigarette against the rim of the now empty wine glass in front of you, staring into the darkened backyard of the saltburn estate. You had come here every year for god knows how long to spend your summer break. Now, being in your last few years of college, knew that the yearly summer ritual would be nearing its end for you.

You were sure the catton family were all aware of this as well. Though every one of them cherished your presence over the years. God, you were sure Elspeth would take you in as her own if she could, probably hoping you could provide her own children with some stability.. You loved them all, obviously. It was just clear to all of you that your relationship with them would never be how it once was, and that you would soon part ways to live your own life, leaving them stuck in a life they can’t escape. They didn’t have that privilege like you.

Plus, you had already started to feel like you fell off with them the second the summer had started. There was an odd amount of awkward tension, and you mostly spent your days with Venetia. Very unlike the few past years that you and Felix spent hip to hip. Which sucks, because those were your favorite summers. Sneaking in Felix’s room late at night to hangout, swimming in the lake, lying out in the yard after a long day to watch the sunset. Whatever it was, Felix was always there with you.

He was there when you would cry over your annual new fling from your hometown who made you upset, when you argued with your parents and had no where to go, or no one to talk to. And you loved him. So much.

But who didn’t? Who wasn’t completely enamored with the idea of Felix Catton. Everyone was, and he knew that. So telling him you loved him would have no more importance to him then when another random fling says it to him.

“Dinner is ready downstairs, ms y/l/n.” You are immediately snapped out of your haze when Duncan speaks from the doorway behind you. You gulp and slightly smile, nodding. “Thank you, Duncan. I’ll be right down.” You sigh and push yourself out of the chair, throwing the cigarette in the nearest ashtray.

You sway down the annoyingly long stairs, your ringed fingers gripping the ledge. Your long, deep red satin dress nearly making you trip. You catch Felix’s eye the second you turn the corner and make your way towards the dining room, unaware of his eyes on you. You were effortlessly breathtaking. Your long, silky hair running over your tanned arms, dress perfectly falling over your body, hands and neck lined with gold jewelry, complementing you perfectly.

He was completely devoted to you. The thought of this possibly being your last summer with him completely clouded his thoughts since the summer started. He had waited all these years to tell you how he felt , and now his chance was gone. He continued to watch as you neared the table, pulling out the seat directly across from him. He watched as you greeted one of his mother’s friends who had come for dinner next to you.

Still unaware of his stare, you toyed at the cloth in front of you, waiting for food to be served.

____________________________________________

“So, y/n. I heard from Venetia this might be one of your last few years here, if not last.” Elspeth says as she sips on her wine, snapping you into reality. “We were heartbroken to hear this, but it’s understandable. How long have you come here for summer? I mean it’s had to have been atleast 12 years now, right ?” She laughs.

You nod, “yeah, I figured it’s about time to get out of your guys hair, y’know? Move on and do my own things in life.” You give a small smile and awkwardly swish around your glass. This gets Felix’s attention as he stares up at you without saying anything. “and what would that be?” He speaks out lowly. You furrow your eyebrows as you shift your attention towards him, making eye contact until he looks back down at his plate.

“I’m sorry?” You snapped. Felix makes a face and shrugs. “Just a question. What do you expect your life to be like if you just go on and leave?” He snickers. Elspeth is quick to scold him as you laugh quietly, shaking your head and bring your attention to your plate. You start to zone out as Elspeth changes the subject, but not before taking a quick glance at Felix’s already staring eyes, sending him a dirty look.

You head to your bedroom balcony the second you’re dismissed from dinner, slamming the door behind you. Your eyes well up as you recall Felix’s backhanded comments at dinner. You quickly light a cigarette as you stare blankly into the trees ahead. You didn’t understand him, what had you done to make him so distant. Was it something you had said? Or possibly something someone else had said to him about you? Or maybe he had just grown plain sick of you.

Your face stays blank, but tears continue pouring out of your dull eyes. You wipe them away quickly, embarrassed of how upset he made you feel. You stiffen as you hear the doors behind you open, quickly blinking before whoever it was could see your glistening eyes. Felix stays silent, staring at the back of your head as you hold your knees tight to your chest. After minutes of silence, he moves to sit in the chair next to you.

You watch out of the corner of your eye as he stares at your face, waiting for you to look at him. You won’t, you keep your attention on those trees because you know if you even glance at him you will start crying . He sighs and taps on the ledge in front of him.

“Are you really not gonna come back?” He says so low, it’s practically a whisper. “does it matter?” You shoot back. His head whips your way as he furrows his eyebrows, not speaking until you make eye contact. “what’s that supposed to mean?” He tilts his head.

You don’t answer, just staring at him as the pink sky reflects onto his face. You wish at this moment you could just pull him to you as you cry into his arms, just for one more time. Your eyes well up again, warm tears threatening to pour out. Felix’s heart wrenches as he watches your lips curve down into a frown. You take a shaky breath as you look away. “I’m sorry, y/n. You know I didn’t mean that, there’s just a lot going on right now and when you were talking about moving on it’s just-“ he begins to choke on his words and his voice quivers, “I just wasn’t ready for things to be different, y’know?” He lets out a small laugh as a tear runs down his cheek.

You giggle as yours begin to fall aswell, physically trying to keep a choked sob from coming out. You reach out to wipe his tear away, taking a deep breath. “I just think it’s time for me to move on.” You shrug and focus back towards the tree line. You didn’t want to stop coming, but you didn’t see yourself even having your parents in your future and if you were still coming to saltburn that wouldn’t be possible.

“I know, and I know you. You’re gonna do great things with your life. I hope you know I didn’t mean that at dinner at all.” He says genuinely as he takes your hand in his, squeezing it slightly. “I know, fi.” You whisper as you move towards him, laying your head on his shoulder. You hold him tighter as you hear his small sobs begin to escape. “please” he whispers against your shoulder.

“please what, fi?” You move your head back to look at him. His eyes are now red and puffy, his eyelashes sticking together with tears. He sniffles and pushes his head back into your shoulder. “please dont go.” He sobs. You sigh and smooth his hair, blinking and holding your head up to stop the tears. “I have to” you choke out.

He stands up and wipes his eyes. “You don’t. You can stay here, you don’t have to see your parents. You can just continue your life here.” He moves his hands around as he rambles on, but you just shake your head. “I can’t, Felix. I need to move on by myself and I can’t do that here. I can’t be around them anymore.”

He stares at you silently as you stare into the yard. “I love you” he whispers. You stiffen, the words playing over in your head. “what?” You turn your head towards him. His face remains blank as his tears roll down your face. “felix what?” . He sighs and turns for the door behind him, stepping through back into your room.

His tears continue to flow out as he walks away in defeat, you running after him. He stops infront of your door when you yell his name and turns his body towards you. He forces a smile and shakes his head slightly. “it’s okay y/n. Goodnight.” He says and turns back towards the door. “Felix I love you.” He freezes and removes his hands from the door, turning back towards you. His cheeks stained with tears and his eyebrows slightly furrowed.

“I love you Felix. So much.” You cry as you stand hopelessly infront of him, waiting for him to speak. “I don’t know what to do anymore, fi.” You whisper as you rub your eyes with the back of your hands. You hear as he moves towards you and remove your hands from your eyes, looking up at his eyes as he stands directly infront of you, tears still falling out of his eyes.

“Neither do I.” He sighs. You reach your hand up to wrap around the back of his neck, pulling it down to press your lips against his. He kisses you deeply and pulls you tight against him. After a minute pulls away and presses his forehead against yours “I’m so in love with you.” He whispers.

“What are we gonna do?”