THIS IS SO SAD FOR NO REASON! - Blog Posts

This made me BALLL!!! write a book or something damn….

Tulip

Pst. You want to be sad?

AUTHORS NOTE/ WARNING: Talk of death and I made myself cry really bad writing this so be prepared.

The best part of Spring, the thing that made you realize that it was a warm weather season and that it was going to be an action packed time was Tulip picking. Something you loved was getting out of the car, looking over the field of reds, oranges, yellows, white, pinks, and purples. It was like a sunset of flowers. The way they swayed, like a hazy summer sun dipping into the ground. You always lost your breath the first few seconds, heart thundering wondering how there could be so much beauty in a world that hurt so much.

This was the first year you were at the tulip fields alone. Forty years ago you were on your first date with the love of your life. You hadn’t known it at the time as you exited his car that this was going to be the man that you married. You hadn’t known that every APril for the next forty years you were going together.

It is your tradition and hell, Axl had always been a sucker for traditions.

So in his memory you had gone to the tulip field. He would have wanted you to be here, you thought. Even if it was the last day and most of the flowers were gone. Leaving a graveyard of where beauty had once stood. This seemed fitting as you reached into the car, grabbing you tote bag and the box that was inside.

There was a young kid working who got up when he saw you, probably about to tell you that they were closing soon but you waved at the old man behind him and he let you through. You had called about this before you came, knew hat you had to ask for permission for things like this.

You can’t spread ashes anywhere anymore. The world was forever changing and with it you were learning the new rules that went along with it.

It was strange, getting older. You had once been this vision. All bare skin that was virant and strong. You had tried to keep up with all the modern positions and exercise but your skin had aged a bit and you haven't fixed the lines around your eyes and mouth. Those shows the smiles you had and the laughter that had once been there. Those lines were a life of love that you had and you could touch them and remember a life before.

When was the last time you laughed?

On your 25th anniversary Axl had given you a dog you had named Chuck. A dog that had a thousand nicknames and who Axl had joked you loved more. But the corgi had been your friend. Running around the tulip fields as you and Axl did your annual walk around, two old birds in love.

Chuck was good because you had tried for a decade to have children but failed pregnancy after failed pregnancy had made you spiral out. Axl hadn’t wanted to see you sad anymore and the pair of you decided to just appreciate what you had together. It was enough. It was enough. It was enough.

The dog had been a replacement in some ways. Spoiled like an only child. But he had been taken from you, stolen one night two years ago. You had cried in Axl’s arms, asking him like a child if he was sure if he wasn’t going to wake up. Poor Axl had rocked you to sleep, dropping everything to hold you and kiss you. Telling you that he loved you. Reminding you over and over again that he loved you. And that had filled some of the hole that was in your heart but it would be a lie to say that it healed.

Now your heart was shattered and sometimes you had to place your hand over your chest as if you were checking to see if you were still breathing. At night when you would wake up, alone in bed you’d place your hand over your heart and remind yourself that you were here. You were alive. For now.

Getting older made you aware of your own mortality. Things like will sand plots. Did you want to go in the ground or in a box? DId you want to be scattered like….yes. Yes, you would be scattered into the ocean at this spot Axl had proposed.

He had proposed after Tulip picking, driving you to the salty aired beach where the rocks were smooth under your toes and where all you could hear was teh waves crashing> Axl touched yoru hand, making you tear your eyes from the ocean that was calling you and then he was calling for you. Love him. Forever. A life.

Yes.

Forever ago. How long did forever last? A question you hadn’t thought of at the time but you were realizing more now that a forever could have an expiration date. And how awful that was.

It was hard. You were sixty and alone. You had asked Axl when you got married if he could wait to die. Let you go first because you didn’t know how you would survive a life without him. A life without him ended up being even worse than you had imagined.

You sat on the wrought iron bench that was painted in the same cheap white paint every year. Thinking about how when you had Chuck how he would hide under the bench as Axl held you close to him, stealing kisses as you looked out at the tulip field. The tulip field that was almost empty this year.

Everything was so empty.

The sun was dipping down. You had put this off for so long and you weren’t sure about how to go about this now. You pulled the box out from your bag, looking at it. You hadn’t really ever looked at it. You knew what you had promised when he died, what you would do with him but when it had happened your heart had been broken and you couldn’t believe that it was really happening. You couldn’t believe that you had made a promise that you didn’t want to keep.

“This is the last year we’re here together.” You whispered, stroking the box as you held the remains of your best friend. The last time you were here together you had kissed in that soft way older people do. Your hands still clinging together as you realize that no matter that time had stolen your youth it had bever been able to steal the love you had for each other.

There has been real magic in your love. Magic that people talk about but you had gotten to experience. There had been hard times, all good love stories have those but even when you were mad Axl would pull you close and demand you sleep wrapped up in each other. It had been wonderful when you were younger because it would only be a matter of hours before you were making love and forgetting whatever you had been mad about. As you got older you’d usually forget what you were fighting about before you were in bed.

“You know, I’m not over you dying yet, Axl. This might be the maddest I’ve ever been with you. But I’m here, at the field, like you asked.” You weren’t going to cry. No. The tears had dried up by now, even though the hurt was just as strong.

Axl had asked for his ashes to be scattered in the field. He had wanted to be the first place he had kissed you. He said every year that the flowers grew that they were more beautiful because he poured all his love into you and every year you came here it strengthened them. Maybe that’s why they looked dull this year. Wilted and out of season because he hadn’t infused his love into the earth for you,

“Loving you has been my greatest pleasure. There is no one in this world who my soul was meant to be tied to more than yours. Forever with you..Axl it wasn’t enough. I want to see you again. I want to be with you I want…” Maybe not all the tears had dried up. “I want you to wake up.” But he was a box of ashes.

You stayed there a beat longer. Your heart aching as you finally opened the box, untying teh bag that held his ashes and sighing out.

“Until we get to be together again, my love. Soon, please God soon.” you begged as you watched the wind dig inside the box picking him up and letting him nourish the earth one more time. Watching him mix in with the flowers the pair of you had watched grow every year.

As he settled in, infusing each flower with a part of him. A part of him that had loved you, so truly and so pure you knew that next year the flowers were going to be the most beautiful that they had ever had.

Your joints ached as you walked back to the car, looking out the windshield as the sun set and you saw the tulip field for what you knew was going to be the last time of your life. It was time for you to go now.

It happened in the car, the same road you always told Axl not to drive too fast on. The only part of the road he would use two hands on, taking his hand off your thigh or from between your fingers to drive. The pain started and your arm went numb. YOu thought you’d be scared but you weren't. You were smiling, laughing. Hearing yourself be happy for the first time in so long.

And when you opened your eyes, a wet tongue was licking your face. And there was CHuck, jumping into your arms as you sat up on the couch. The backdoor opened and Axl walked in, a bunch of tulips in his hand as he looked at you, smiling.

“Oh honey, I’ve been waiting for you.”