Superache Event - Blog Posts

im in love omg. the writing>>>

the angst. wow, its pain but damn, do i enjoy it.

Yours

pairing: sirius black x fem!reader, platonic!james potter x fem!reader

genre: angsttt

el's thoughts: friends with benefits hinted at, but not explicit. 'cause i can't write... ya know... so yeah :) ALSO the word count is 1.3k and that's the most i've written in a loooooooong time so i'm proud haha

Y/N glared at the back of a random girl’s head when she saw Sirius leaning against the wall beside her. Talking and flirting. Talking and flirting. Her glare turned colder if that was possible when Sirius tossed a wink over his shoulder to a random guy passing. 

“Merlin, he’s such a flirt.” Remus sighed and shook his head in slight amusement, but his face turned concerned when Y/N didn’t hum or respond in agreement. “Y/N/N… You alright?” 

“Hm? Oh yeah yeah, I’m fine.” Her voice was light as if she was bringing herself out of a daze. James shared a look with Remus, a distinct look of pity on their faces. James finally spoke up, “You know you could just tell him?” A sharp look was thrown his way in response. “Y/N I’m not messing with you. Just talk to him.”

“I can’t do that.” 

Remus furrowed his eyebrows, “Why not?”

“He’s not mine in any way, shape, or form. I just… Just need to accept that.”

~

“We can’t keep doing… this.”

Y/N froze. She couldn’t bring herself to look at the boy next to her on his bed, “Is that because of what’s her face?”

“Jessica? Yeah… I um, I asked her to be my girlfriend and, um she said yes. So…” He ran his hand through his hair awkwardly as he waited for her response. Y/N nodded numbly, “I’m-” She finally turned to look at him and reached for his hand. “I couldn’t be happier for you Siri. Honestly.”

He smiled shyly, “Yeah? You’re fine?”

She let out a laugh, hoping it didn’t sound as forced as it was. “I’m fine! We said no strings attached and there aren’t. I’m just so happy you found someone.”

She shouldn’t be jealous. She has no right to be, but she couldn’t help it. She hated the disgusting feeling growing in the pit of her stomach. She wasn’t anyone special to him, she was just someone he’d call upon. Someone he would touch, but never truly hold. She hated that she let herself fall for him. She wasn’t his in any way, shape, or form.

She reached for her jacket and slipped her shirt back on as she made her way to the door, “I’m happy for you.”

~

Music blared through the common room, and the chatter of all the upperclassmen was an underlining sound that filled the room. Y/N normally enjoyed parties like this but today she sat on the stairs of a back corridor, hidden, with a cup in her hand as she tried to keep her tears at bay. Tonight was supposed to be a night to have fun and finally get her mind off Sirius. Not a night where she saw him making out with his new girl, pinning her against a wall. 

She knew she didn’t stand a chance, so why did it bother her so much? Why couldn’t her heart just move on? 

James walked around the corner and saw Y/N curled in on herself leaning on the wall beside her. “Y/N/N?” She looked up with slightly red eyes and a pathetic smile, “Oh, hey Jamie.” Her voice has hoarse as she wiped her nose with the napkin she held under her cup. The bespectacled boy moved to sit on the step above her and ran his hand up and down her spine in a comforting motion. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.”

“I know it’s not my fault, but I’m sorry that he’s an idiot. I thought I raised him better.” He smiled as a weak laugh fell from her lips. Before she could reply the sound of hurried footsteps and giggles floated to her ears. 

Sirius made his way around the corner with his girl clinging to his arm, swaying slightly. “Oh… Looks like this spot is taken.” A high-pitched giggle fell from her lips as she tried to tug Sirius away. He pulled back, stopping himself from moving, as he tried to take a step forward. “What’s wrong? Y/N, are you alright?” 

She couldn’t bring herself to look at him nor could she bring herself to answer. She angled her head down turning it slightly more into James’ side. The boy holding her felt his heart, ache as he shook his head at Sirius, silently telling him to go. 

Once he left the pair alone Y/N sighed and fully placed her head on James’ knees. 

“You okay?”

She shook her head and sighed, “I’ll be fine. Right now I’m just being dramatic, aren’t I?” He stroked her hair, “You’re not being dramatic. This hurts, it’s okay to hurt.”

“Yeah it hurts, but it’s just pathetic at this point. All the things I’ve done to get his attention just so he doesn’t notice. It’s embarrassing.”

James sighed to himself and bent down to kiss the side of her head, never stopping his hand in her hair as she cried silently, knowing this will be a long journey for her. But as long as I’m there for her, he thought to himself, she’ll be fine.

~ 

The progress she had made from that moment exceeded her expectations, and she was proud of herself. Within a few months, she had healed herself. She would’ve been even better -at least that's what she told herself- if Sirius didn’t approach her after lunch...

“You want… You want me?” 

“Yes!” Sirius let out an exasperated laugh, “And I’m sorry it took me so long to notice you. To realize what I had in front of me, and I know I was a total jerk about it then. James gave me an earful about it, but I see you now.”

She was cornered. So many feelings flooded her at once. Anger and frustration for him springing this on her unannounced. All the feelings she had finally worked through bubbled up in her chest again. She hated feeling so weak in front of him, it felt like giving into something she promised herself not to.

Y/N rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest, trying to swallow the emotions rising in her throat along with her lunch. “No.” Tears pricked in the back of her eyes, “No no no. It’s too late. It’s been a year Sirius! And all it took was for you to go date some other girl, break up with her and then notice me?” She shook her head and backed away from him slightly, “That’s not fair.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

“I know. I know it’s not fair, and I’m sorry! Honestly, I feel terrible about it all.” He tried to step forward to hold her hands but she turned away from him, not giving him the chance.

“You can’t just expect me to be fine with this. I did everything imaginable to get your attention. It was dumb love, the type of love that was toxic for me.” Her throat got tighter and tighter with each word before she was finally crying.

“I moved on, I’m happy now! Why can’t you just leave me alone? I wasn’t yours then and I’m most certainly not yours now. You can’t just expect me to forgive and forget. I had chosen you over all of our friends and I’m grateful they didn’t walk out on me, but I wouldn’t have blamed them. I was a pain in the ass when you got together with her. Ask James. Ask Remus. How many times have they caught me crying over you as if you were mine to begin with? As if you broke up with me, but Sirius we weren’t dating. You didn’t love me. I wasn’t yours! Get that through your thick skull. I'm. Not. Yours.” She let out a breath and unclenched her fists before finally looking up at the taller boy.

He stared at her, tears lining his eyes as he opened and closed his mouth trying to get words out. 

“Don’t try to fix something I already fixed myself.” She took a deep breath, “Please.”

~*~*~*~

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