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Connor: Funny story, I used an energy drink in my coffee this morning instead of water.
Evan, extremely concerned: And.. how do you feel?
Connor: Oh, my heart stopped beating about two hours ago.
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Evan: Mufasa’s death scene made me cry again…
Jared: Aww, it’s okay. He’s not a real horse. He’s a cartoon.
Evan: horse?
Evan: HORSE?
Jared:
Jared: Okay, in my defense, I’ve never seen it.
Evan: IT’S CALLED THE L I O N KING!
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Connor: I love making short jokes about Jared.
Connor: They go right over his head.
Connor: *Dying with laughter on the floor*
Jared: It wasn’t even that fUCKING FUNNY-
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Jared: My sarcasm has reached a dangerous level, where even I can’t tell if I’m kidding or not.
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Connor: What the fuck are you doing?
Jared: *Spreading toothpaste on toast*
Jared: I’m multitasking.
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Connor: Damn! We were so close to having Valentine’s Day on Friday the 13th!
Evan: There’s always next year?
Jared: No, you have to wait seven years! One for each day of the week!
Alana:
Alana: I hope you guys say these things just to mess with me, because holy fuck
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Jared: I am going to cry, this is a threat.
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Connor: It’s 2020, why don’t banks just have the slogan “It’s Common Cents” yet?
Jared: I say we demand change.
Zoe: These puns caught my interest.
Evan: Stop. Please, just stop.
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Jared: Fuck, I want to die!
Evan: Language!
Jared, annoyed: Heckity heck, I want death!
Evan: That was NOT any better!
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Jared: Well, looks like it’s time to move on to plan 2.
Zoe: Don’t you mean plan B?
Jared: No, because that would insinuate that I only have 26 plans.
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Evan: Ah yes, my train of thought. Or as I like to call it: The Anxiety Express!
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Jared: Alright.
Connor: Fine.
Jared: Splendid.
Connor: Spectacular.
Jared: Terrific!
Connor: Marvelous!
(In the Background)
Evan: What are they doing…?
Alana: They're mad at each other, but they still want to talk, although neither will admit it.
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Jared: What did I do to deserve this? I’m a good person!
Connor: You once pushed me down the stairs because I made a joke about your height.
Jared:
Jared: I’m a good person most of the time.
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Jared: *Staring at literally nothing, zoning out*
Connor: What’cha thinkin about?
Jared: When normal dogs see police dogs, do they think “Oh no, the cops”?
Connor:
Connor: Do you ever look at your boyfriend and ask yourself how and why you're dating him?
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Evan: *Picks up his phone* Hello?
Connor: It's Connor.
Evan: Ugh, tell him I'm not here.
Connor: No- it's Connor on the phone right now.
Evan: oH-
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Zoe: What's everyone going as for Halloween?
Evan: Superman :)
Connor: A clown.
Jared, to Connor: So then we don't need to actually buy you a costume, right?
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Evan: Connor, I am questioning your sanity...
Zoe: Really? I never questioned it, I knew it was gone from the start.
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Evan: How is Spring not everyone's favourite season? The trees are PINK, guys!
Jared: But also, y'know, allergies and shit.
Evan: But pink.
Connor: Also it's fucking hot out.
Evan: PINK.
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Alana: I know you love him.
Jared: I am NOT in love with Evan!
Alana, staring at him and smiling: I never said who.
Jared: *Realizes*
Jared: Shit. Well, anyways-
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Evan: Uh, Jared, I'm afraid.
Jared: Just stay close to Connor?
Evan: No, you don't get it.
Evan: That's why I'm afraid.
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Zoe & Jared: *Accidentally set the kitchen on fire*
Jared: We need an adult!
Zoe: But you ARE an adult!
Jared: We need an adultier adult! Go get Alana!
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Evan: Uhm.. how do you- like- ask someone out?
Miguel: Well, first-
Connor: Don't ask him. He asked me out in a McDonald's parking lot.
Miguel:
Miguel: ...And yet, you said yes?
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Jared: So. What's the plan?
Zoe: I don't know. Your smart, *Points at Connor* he's mean, come up with something.
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Evan: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and…
Jared: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma.
Evan: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said…
Jared: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.
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Jared: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Connor: *Sigh*
Connor: Why.
Jared: To get to the dumbfuck's house.
Jared: Knock knock?
Connor: Who's there.
Jared: The chicken, dumbfuck.
Connor:
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Alana: Evan isn't talking to me...
Jared: Enjoy it while it lasts.
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Zoe: Evan is in trouble.
Jared: Alright. Struggling to give a fuck, if I'm being honest right now.
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Connor: Larry has no idea that I'm high.
Larry: Your high?
Connor: Oh, sorry.
Connor, leaning toward Zoe: Larry has no idea that I'm high.
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Miguel: Connor and I were walking down the street, and this guy drove by and honked at us.
Zoe: What did you do?
Miguel: Well, he chased him to the next red light, and reached his window, and-
Connor, walking in: So, who wants a steering wheel?
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Connor: I really like Eminem.
Jared: I prefer skittles.
Evan: He was talking about the rapper.
Jared: Why would you eat the wrapper????
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Alana: Wow! Evan made you cry?!
Jared, tearing up: Yes. He said some mean things that are only partially true.
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Jared: Evan! What the fuck did I tell you about lying?
Evan, looking down: That it only works on Cynthia...
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Jared: Is there a fucking cactus where your heart should be?
Zoe: What's up your ass this morning??
Evan: *Walks in* Uh.. hey.
Zoe: Hm. Nevermind, disregard that last statement.
Jared: wAIT NO-