Colin Kintobor! A HAND REACHING OUT ACROSS THE DIVIDE - Blog Posts

instantly, julius steps forward and clasps a hand onto colin's shoulders, both of them, in order to turn the shorter male's gaze up to look at him. & his voice is eclipsed by emotion, quivering in that held back rage - not at colin but at the moronic notion of what had just been told to julius. "if you are going to listen to me, once. if you are going to hear me clearly, then hear:

your mother's death WAS NOT your fault. do you understand. you were a baby for fuck's sake. you had zero control over what transpired that day."

there's a beat, as if julius needs a moment to compose himself. he releases colin's shoulders, takes a small step back from him. "you are worthy of much more than you give yourself credit for. your existence holds meaning. it always has." if to no one else, then at the very least, to me.

“I won’t judge you.”

My uncle said that too.

"I killed my mother. Just by existing. She died giving birth to me. No one has thought my life a worthwhile exchange for hers since."

The acceptance of his own dead mentor's doppleganger is a hot blade to the gut, over and over.

@unlackeyed i saw you post colin's height ( 5'0" ) & was inspired to compared that to julius' height ( 6'3" ) and

AMBS HELP I'M DYING LAUGHING.

HE'S BARELY UP TO HIS SHOULDER, WHAT

"I think I'm losing myself again." //unlackeyed

well that was cryptic, and stupidly vague. that could mean many things: although if julius stopped to think for a moment. he supposed if he were a betting man, he'd bet on colin meaning 'losing himself' as in that sense of, belonging. or perhaps colin were finally growing bored of the do-goodery he kept trying to cling to. after all, from what little julius had gleamed of the man's past, he'd been into some right fucked up shit.

"are you wanting me to comfort you. to tell you that everything will be alright. you merely need to push through, keep trying. all of that." for as much as julius cared for colin (& care he did, because he wouldn't waste his efforts nor his time on anyone else if he didn't give a shit about them), he certainly hoped that colin hadn't mistaken that for julius being a righteous or a good-hearted person. he wasn't. his care extended to colin, to imad. on some small level, to sonic. that was it.

& yet even then, julius couldn't bring himself to simply tell colin that he could be good if he tried, he could continue to be kind if he tried. why? well. because julius himself wouldn't want to hear that as comfort; that would be the worst possible thing for julius to hear. after all, julius was not some 'hero', he was a terrible man who had murdered so many he'd stopped counting. would no doubt murder some more. if colin had come to him holding a gun and shakily confessing that he'd wanted to kill someone who wronged him, julius wouldn't take the gun from colin or tell him there was another way. he'd hold the target down so colin would have a clean shot and wouldn't waste a bullet.

“You alright?” From such a sharp edged person as Snively, it’s almost painfully endearing how earnest the question is. “Need anything?” Anything *I* can provide, when you have your creations and your alternate dimensional dopplegangers and assistants-turned-lovers at your service? What can family that’s separated by a whole dimension and told all his life he’s lacking, do? //unlackeyed

⸻ the question stills him. it stills him and stirs a hollow cold rage within his chest. not at colin. never at colin. just, the words. 'you alright'. no.

he had not been 'alright' since he was 8.

"need anything?"

julius simply stares across at colin. uncertain on how to answer in a way that wouldn't concern or frighten him. yes, he needs. that rage in him has no outlet. that violent need has no release. he knows if he voices such thoughts, he'll be told not to act on them. how wrong they are. how misguided. how there's a better way. how one shouldn't give into their darkness, their demons.

what if it wasn't a darkness, or demons. what if it was just HIM? period, all he'd ever be, no matter what he tried.

"....not particularly," he settles on, then adds, "but.... thank you, for your concern."