The Secret About Self Esteem

It doesn’t make you unlovable or a horrible person if you don’t have many friends. It can be difficult to meet new people if you’re shy or quiet or have anxiety. It can be difficult to stay in touch with people if you can’t find the time or energy to remain in contact. It can be difficult to make new friends if you struggle to find people you click with or who are interested in the same things as you. None of those things mean you’re unlovable. 

when you realize every action you’ve ever taken has been to make sure you occupy as little space in the world as possible, even your lunch order

Yes! This is very important. Those thoughts are coming from your brain because of your brain -- not because of who you are.

Think of all the situations you've experienced in the last year. Think of how many things you survived or accomplished or created. (Seriously, do it!)

Did you feel victorious and strong at the time? That would have been a feeling that was relevant to the situation, caused by the situation.

But a lot of us didn't feel inspired and mighty because of our victories. A lot of us still felt inadequate and fearful and ashamed. We didn't celebrate. We weren't in the moment. Our feelings weren't happening because of our lives -- just because of our brains.

Those are arbitrary feelings. In a way, they’re not quite tied to reality. Because they aren't dependent on what actually happens.

And when you're able to recognize them as such, it's a little easier to think of them as just background noise. “Oh, I’m actually anxious no matter what is happening around me. I actually feel bad about myself no matter how my life is going.”

And that can give you the chance to see what other feelings you may be having, in response to the actual situation.

Emotions are things that live and breathe, flex and bend and run parallel and contradict each other. They’re messy and real. So if how you feel doesn’t actually change with the situation -- something’s probably stuck!

something i need to repeat to myself five billion times: feeling that you’re the worst person in the world is part of a symptom, not some unfortunate, ultimate truth. there is nothing personal about it, despite what your brain may tell you. 

Mental Crop Rotation

When farmers grow the same crop too many years in a row, it can leave their soil depleted of minerals and other nutrients that are vital to the health of their fields.

To avoid this, farmers will often alternate the crops that they grow because some plants will use up different minerals (such as nitrogen) while other plants replenish those minerals. This process is known as “crop rotation.”

So the next time you find that you need to step away from a project to work on something else for a while, don’t beat yourself up for “quitting” that project. Give yourself permission to practice “mental crop rotation” to maintain a healthy brain field.

Because I’ve found that when that unnecessary guilt and pressure are removed from the process, a good mental crop rotation can help you feel more energized and invigorated than ever once you’re ready to rotate back to that project.

You can also look for ways to modify the situation to be more comfy for you! It doesn’t have to be the Scary Uncontrollable Situation you may be fearing.

If it’s a party at her house, maybe you can arrange to come early and help her clean, decorate, get snacks ready, etc. Then, even if you decide not to stay for the actual party, you get to hang out with her that day! And you have the opportunity to say happy birthday in person, give her a present, or whatever else you’d like to do.

More pros for getting there early: Would you feel more comfortable if you’re already relaxed in the environment, when the socializing begins? How about if you’re able to meet her guests one at a time as they arrive, rather than walking into a room full of strangers?

If she has any activities planned for during the party, you could also think about helping with those. (Sometimes I find it easier to interact with strangers if I’m Doing A Thing, and not just standing there being a person. “No need to pay attention to me … Pay attention to these drinks/gifts/kittens/goodies!”)

If the party is at a restaurant, where you’ll mostly be seated the whole time, see if you can plan to sit next to or across from her. That way, even if you just sit there quietly and don’t interact with anyone, you can still listen to her talk, laugh at her jokes, and be able to focus on the reason you DO want to be there – your friend!

And no matter what the conditions of the party are – if you go, you can give yourself a time limit, after which you can leave with zero guilt. (You don’t actually have to feel guilty for leaving at any time, but this is a lovely trick when your brain is disagreeing.)

Whether you’re there for 2 hours or 20 minutes, your friend will appreciate getting to see you on her special day =)

So I've been invited to the birthdayparty of my best (and obviously) only friend I have. I really want to go but I'm scared and I don't want to go. You know what I mean? I only know her and noone else. It's hard! When I think about it I wanna curl up to a ball in my bed and never leave it again.

This sounds tough. It is entirely up to you whether or not you want to go, and your friendship probably isn’t in the balance over this decision. I know this feels like the weight of the world, but sometimes it’s good to realize that your friend probably doesn’t feel that way, and if you decide not to go, she won’t hold it against you forever if you explain. And if you’re close, I’m sure that if you explain that you are anxious and unwell, she’ll understand.

An option to try and make up for not going to the party is to set up a date for the two of you to celebrate her birthday privately. That way she knows you care, and that it wasn’t personal that you decided not to go to her birthday party. 

But if you do go, there are options, too! You might not know anyone, but you do share a common factor of having the same friend. That can be enough leeway for conversation and interaction. You could also try to stick by your friend and interact through her, although she might be busy because it’s her party. I’m also sure there are other people who don’t know everyone. I can promise that you are never going to be the only person nervous about what other people at a party might think of you.

Whatever you decide, good luck! And I hope it works out and you have a good time with your friend.

- Shinji

This is definitely something I experience, and I identify with AvPD very strongly.

I also had obvious social anxiety before I even knew about AvPD. To me, it’s pretty easy to differentiate at this point, because “social anxiety” feels, you know, like anxiety, but my AvPD stuff feels like shame, and the fear of shame.

I experience it like:

social anxiety =

physical tense buzzing wariness

imagining the Bad Thing happening (messing up, being laughed at, humiliated)

catastrophizing

panicky

wanting to escape the danger.

(The danger is a thing Outside of me, which I can be safe from as long as I get out of this situation.)

AvPD moments =

a cold knot of sick shame in my stomach

feeling exposed, seen, defenseless, inexcusable

not having any shields or masks left to hide behind

wanting to flee and be alone / unseen, or

to disappear (dissociate) and be invisible.

(The danger is a thing Inside of me, which I can’t escape ever because it is Me, but which I can avoid having to face as long as I get out of this situation.)

So, the self esteem tug-of-war.

For me, it’s because although I started from a point of being totally incapacitated by AvPD symptoms/self hatred/etc, I’ve spent years rebuilding my self-esteem and creating a sense of who I am. So on good days, I believe in the thing I’ve spent so much time carefully growing – the feeling that I’m an OK person, that I’m likable, that I deserve to have a full life and to enjoy things. (Notice, when I’m in this healthy mindset, I’m not even thinking about “whether other people can see me/how they will judge me”.)

Then sometimes I will be in a lower mood, or something will trigger me into old/negative thought patterns, and I’ll find myself spiraling in “I’m so terrible,” and “any kindness/positivity from others is meaningless, for A, B, or C reasons,“ and “I will be revealed to be Horrible sooner or later, and then I’ll lose every positive relationship I have.”

So I definitely think it is possible to believe you’re worthy and unworthy at almost-the-same-time. Having this kind of push-pull struggle between feelings of adequacy and inadequacy is entirely possible, and it’s probably very normal if you’re in the process of recovering from poor self esteem.

(1) hi, i have really severe social anxiety and i've been wondering if it's possible i actually have avpd. i saw the ask about self-esteem and i kind of related but kind of not if that makes sense? i honestly don't know how i would rate my self esteem. i think i'm a person of worth who is intelligent and talented but i'm always terribly worried that i'm lying to myself and my perceived self is just an ideal i've created and i'm not actually as smart or funny or interesting as i'd like to think.

(2) i guess to rephrase, i think every life has inherent value and that logically applies to my own life, and i have a sense of identity, but i’m scared that it isn’t real. and as ridiculous as it sounds, i’m insecure that this carries into my relationships with other people as well. like with my boyfriend, i worry that i’ve fooled myself into thinking i’m interesting and maybe i’ve somehow managed to fool him, too. i guess i’m wondering if this sounds characteristic of avpd to you at all?

Hey.

It’s hard to say whether this sounds like AvPD or not because low self-esteem can exist with almost any mental illness, or even without it. It can exist with Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD) and it can exist with AvPD. I can’t give you an answer to that, unfortunately.

I would recommend you have a read through the links on our Resources page, but specifically these two links:

AvPD Criteria (in-depth). 

 AvPD or Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)- Avoidance (forum). 

These should help give you a better understanding and should help you determine whether you have AvPD or SAD. Keep in mind though, you can have both. SAD is very common with in people with AvPD. 

I know personally, my SAD was a pre-cursor for my AvPD. 

- Jay. 

The best thing about bravery is even a little is enough.

Beau Taplin

no idea if this is true, but it feels true

Your purpose in life is not to love yourself but to love being yourself.

If you goal is to love yourself, then your focus is directed inward toward yourself, and you end up constantly watching yourself from the outside, disconnected, trying to summon the “correct” feelings towards yourself or fashion yourself into something you can approve of.

If your goal is to love being yourself, then your focus is directed outward towards life, on living and making decisions based on what brings you pleasure and fulfillment.

Be the subject, not the object. It doesn’t matter what you think of yourself. You are experiencing life. Life is not experiencing you.

AvPD and healing self-esteem - tl;dr.

(Part of my ongoing series of posts on Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

AvPD disconnects you from others, from yourself, and from your feelings.

And that hurts. A lot.

It’s okay to try and fix it.

It’s okay to want to feel better.

And it’s okay to notice your feelings, even if they’re unpleasant.

When you feel judged on all sides, make a safe space for yourself. Find somewhere you can be totally alone and free of observation, like a private journal. Feel what it’s like to not have anyone looking over your shoulder -- maybe for the first time.

Explore your feelings. Get to know what you really think and want, when your opinion is the only one that matters.

When you can, be nice to yourself. Try giving yourself the benefit of the doubt.

Do things that feel good.

When you’re upset with yourself for messing up, consciously decide to look for things that you succeeded at instead. Make a list of wins.

Here’s how this relates to self-esteem.

When we describe what it feels like to have AvPD, it sounds like, “Everyone judges and hurts me.”

But people only have the power to decide how much we’re worth, because we aren’t taking charge of doing that ourselves.

When you reconnect with your feelings, create a judgment-free zone for yourself, and learn to treat yourself nicely, you’re giving value to yourself. You’re saying, “This matters. My feelings matter. I’m worth taking care of.”

Esteem means “favorable opinion or respect.” In the throes of AvPD, we survive on other people’s esteem for us -- it matters what they think, because that’s how we determine our self-worth. But when we shift to relying on self esteem, we can finally heal and begin to thrive.

When we give respect and value to ourselves, no one else can take it away.

And that’s why practicing self-care and self-kindness is so powerful and important.

(You can read more here, in the long version of this post.)