Please Remember:

Sometimes I forget about the magic. Like the moon and red leaves and how the apples grow again and again outside my windows.

Sabrina Ward Harrison (via julesofnature)

I think… one of the interesting things about online messaging and texting is that sometimes, writing out your feelings to someone is actually so much easier than speaking them. Like, I cannot easily express myself through verbal words. I stutter, I panic, I say “nevermind” because I can’t bring myself to admit the words out loud. But with online messaging, I can blabber on the keyboard like a stream of consciousness, and I can express myself to my friends in a way that’s sometimes very hard for me to do irl

Which is why I’m so defensive about this whole belief that face to face communication is more real than online interactions. In a way, yeah, it is, because it’s more literally “real,” and im not at all gonna deny the value in irl relationships. But online communication has genuinely allowed me, a socially anxious person with a fear of opening up, to develop meaningful relationships with people, and you don’t understand how grateful I am for that

Hi! Sorry to bother you, but I'm almost certain I have AVPD and I'd like to explain it to my parents, since they've gotten upset over symptoms of AVPD that I've expressed and I want to tell them why I act like that. But they don't really think that PDs are a thing that exists. so how could I explain it to them so that they understand? thank you in advance !!

Hi there anon!

Wow, there’s a lot to unpack here. The most important is probably:

What you want to accomplish by telling your parents

What your relationship with your parents is like

Would you mind sharing a bit more about the situation? You can write more in asks, submit something or just message me, that works too! (And don’t worry, I won’t publish your username either way <3)

Or if you aren’t comfortable with that, I’ll see what advice I can scrounge up as-is =)

you know, I probably resembled this earlier in my life … I mean, I don’t know much about SZPD, but what you’ve been describing definitely resonates with my experiences

in my case though, I think it was caused by intense, continuous dissociation, from my environment + from my own feelings. (and also, depression – numbness or feeling unaffected by things you used to react to, is a symptom of depression)

but nowadays I am plenty emotional and invested in things, which is nice!

(if anyone's interested, you can read my post about dissociation and self-erasure, or read about what I do to get better in general)

i feel like i may have developed szpd as a way to cope with my avpd symptoms lol…

for me it’s been like i started with anxiety and that got so bad that i just became avoidant and then i became so avoidant that i now just have no emotions and don’t care about anything

stay tuned for the next chapter where i stop being a human completely and turn into a robot

Yes! This is very important. Those thoughts are coming from your brain because of your brain -- not because of who you are.

Think of all the situations you've experienced in the last year. Think of how many things you survived or accomplished or created. (Seriously, do it!)

Did you feel victorious and strong at the time? That would have been a feeling that was relevant to the situation, caused by the situation.

But a lot of us didn't feel inspired and mighty because of our victories. A lot of us still felt inadequate and fearful and ashamed. We didn't celebrate. We weren't in the moment. Our feelings weren't happening because of our lives -- just because of our brains.

Those are arbitrary feelings. In a way, they’re not quite tied to reality. Because they aren't dependent on what actually happens.

And when you're able to recognize them as such, it's a little easier to think of them as just background noise. “Oh, I’m actually anxious no matter what is happening around me. I actually feel bad about myself no matter how my life is going.”

And that can give you the chance to see what other feelings you may be having, in response to the actual situation.

Emotions are things that live and breathe, flex and bend and run parallel and contradict each other. They’re messy and real. So if how you feel doesn’t actually change with the situation -- something’s probably stuck!

something i need to repeat to myself five billion times: feeling that you’re the worst person in the world is part of a symptom, not some unfortunate, ultimate truth. there is nothing personal about it, despite what your brain may tell you. 

Mary Oliver, from “the fourth sign of the zodiac” published in Blue Horses

Having perfected our disguise, we spend our lives searching for someone we don’t fool.

Robert Brault (via thelovejournals)

“Find out what makes you kinder, what opens you up and brings out the most loving, generous, and unafraid version of you―and go after those things as if nothing else matters. Because, actually, nothing does.”

— George Saunders

This is the most amazing feeling, it really truly is. And when you find a person who gives you that experience, you’ll want to hold onto them forever.

But although you might consider them magical, it isn’t really coming from them. It’s you. You brought something real into world, out into the open, and that is a powerful act. You enabled that moment of truth and vulnerability and healing to occur. It couldn’t have happened without you: your choice, your courage, your presence.

So that person isn’t the only source of acceptance, resonance, and true connection. Because you carry the potential for it with you, every day.

And there are many amazing people in the world. People who will respond with warmth and steadiness to your dark secrets and your truths -- if you can dare to show them.

Learning to receive that from a variety of people is ... difficult. And beautiful, and empowering. It means learning to let them in, to let in the love that’s around you.

avpd concept: I tell someone everything I’ve been too afraid to say my entire life and they don’t think I’m a monster. They don’t run away. They stay. And that means I can finally stop running, too