Yuunfi - Hopanless Romtic

people change you and sometimes that is the worst thing in the entire world because you used to like yourself a little more but now you hate the flinch that lives in your shoulderblades and you overthink every moment and you never set a boundary without feeling internally destroyed and it fucking sucks because they shouldn't get to do that, they already ruined your life the once, it shouldn't echo into the future

but also people change you and sometimes that is the softest morning and the best surprise. realizing that you can divide things into perfect thirds without trying because you were a sibling in a group of 3 and always needed to measure out things. you learned to skip rope and step around cracks from the kid down the street. you love the way your favorite english teacher influenced your writing.

you're old enough these days to know your mother was right and you should take a coat just in case it gets cold but you are still too young to have outrun the thunderstorm of your childhood. you arrange your spoons the way you learned growing up but you've since reorganized the rest of your kitchen to make sense to you and the way that you like working. you fold your clothes actually still based on the marie kondo method (you just like the habit of it) but you allow yourself to just-loosely-chuck-some-of-it-in because really who has the fuckin' time for it.

you still can't be in the room while people look at your art (some kind of weird mix of guilt, shame, and embarrassment) but you picked up certain words and phrases from friends that help you slow down and treat yourself a little bit gentle with it. you always take other people's crafts with a reverence like praying, but you can't help that when you see your own work from a few years ago, you mirror someone else's snort of disdain. you saw other people's bodies and freckles and stretch marks and scars and you realized they are all still fucking beautiful to you, almost obscenely so, because they belong to someone you care for so deeply that it blocks out the sun - but you can't help the little flash of self-judgement whenever you pass a mirror; the voice from too-many years of 90's and 00's skinny-means-you've-won.

and it's kind of funny because you meet someone new and while they're making friends with you, you get to see these little stories playing out of them. you meet your mom and you think oh that's where they get the accent and you meet their college roommate and you think that's the same joke you both make and you meet their friend and you think ah so this is explains the oddly vast knowledge of freshwater lakes

and then one day in the mirror you reach your hand up to push back your hair and you think - oh shit, that was them. or you make a comment and you think ah, stole that from someone else. or you stand in the store and get that random flash of they would totally tell me to buy this. and it is like a little strange river to bind you to them - that over all this time and space, their hands guide your hands and your heart in silence. it is good and it is bad and is so precious and so horrible. it is both proof of love on this earth and it is also the thing that is keeping you hurt.

a little promise that is probably true: somewhere out there, your hands are ever-so-often guiding them too.

strawberry hill house in london, england

Netflix finally did a good adaptation (kinda)

i love doing apologism for fictional characters. yes he killed people and ruined everything but thats ok bc i like him and hes my little baby. so who cares

“Whatever comes, let it come. What stays, let it stay. What goes, let it go.”

— (via humanseoul)

I hate applying for jobs. “desired salary for this role” one billion dollars next question

You would not believe your flies if ten million fire eyes lit up the world as I feel asleels.

Cuz they’d fill they fill the open eyes and leave sockhops everywhere you’d think me rude but I would just stand and

dance.

I’d like to make myself a fly. Planet eeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarth Sloooooooooowlyyyylle.

It’s hard to say that I’d rather Seal the deal when I’m a 𝕤𝕟𝕒𝕚𝕝. Cuz everything is never as it meeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmmmmmees.

Cuz I get a thousand bugs from ten thousand lightning hugs as they try to teach me how to fuck.

a fox trot above my hugs a sockhop beneath my 𝖇𝖆𝖑𝖑𝖘 the disco bug is just hanging by a thread

everybodys a tough guy until 16 old draws a sword

i really can't stand this anymore oh my god

so i have made a few posts talking about this, but my mom is Making Ultimatiums that are going to fuck me over financially just for the hell of it. i am currently unemployed, receiving no more benefits, and i have absolutely no savings. at this point i have a negative balance on my bank account and i have nothing much i can do about it. i am a trans man with adhd, ptsd, and severe depression so it has become inhospitable in my current living environment, and i need to move, except i currently live in one of the most expensive places in the US and i don't know how to drive. basically, i need to buy a bike, get a plane ticket, and find a job. so this is a mutual aid request but also like. if any of you know of any trans people who know of any trans safe living areas that are not wildly expensive, please message me!

anyway i have talked for too long, here is my info

cash.app: $luvlandfrog

paypal.me: /ezrabanksy