The Year Is 2030. The Winter Olympics Are Being Held In Sapporo. Johnny Weir Went Bald In 2024 But That

The year is 2030. the Winter Olympics are being held in Sapporo. johnny weir went bald in 2024 but that doesn’t stop him—there is a taxidermied poodle on his head. Nathan Chen shows up in a tie-dye shirt, black jeans and flip flops, all by gucci. This is unfortunately one of the best costumes in mens singles. eteri’s posse is selling photocards and lightsticks. a fifteen year old russian frantically shaves her mustache. The judging panel is already deducting marks from team Japan and giving them to usa, Canada and SGR - some guys from russia. 

Kyle smith, representing america in sweatpants and a hoodie, takes the ice. His short program is to shape of you by ed sheeran, in which his pcs skyrockets for dryhumping the air. At the end, two hundred white girls rise in the stands to throw baseball caps onto the ice at him because flowers are too gay. nbc zooms in on his straining, manly face in slomo while the panel holds an auction on goe. Finally the results are in. one hundred twenty. kyle leans over to kiss his girlfriend, a ninety-pound womens’ singles skater who is retiring at the ripe old age of eighteen. Fucking ancient. Her coach publicly shamed her after she had the audacity to date a boy her own age instead of marry him, forty years her senior, after wasting years of effort grooming her. 

‘Next, representing Japan, is…oh my god, it IS him! He’s here! Good lord have mercy he’s HERE!’ 

Thirty-five-year-old Hanyu yuzuru steps onto the ice. all of japan collectively orgasms. He has the face of a fifteen year old and the body of a prima donna ballerina. His ankles are held together with duct tape. Ito satomi has draped him in gossamer silk held together by the tears of angels. somewhere in Spain, Javier Fernandez starts bawling and immediately jumps on a plane to win yuzuru’s love back. But it is too late, for yuzuru’s one true love is the quad axel (in an open relationship with the hydroblade). But none of this matters, because hanyu yuzuru has the power of god and anime on his side. He lands a quintuple flip and french kisses the ice. isu shits its pants, screaming crying throwing up on the floor. They have to give him the points. Twenty is deducted from the component for being a little hoe. Yuzuru wins gold and immediately retires. He forces isu to read his thesis and they make him president. AI tech scores babeyy. nathan Chen is put on trial for war crimes (fucking basic-ass costumes) and declared not guilty, while vera wang is called to the stand and charged with dressing him in galaxy print. evgenia, now with bionic joints, teleports into the middle of the ladies event and wins gold. She, Yulia and Alina start a support group for teenage russian figure skaters. Eteri is put on trial for child abuse and excommunicated. She pays fifty million dollars to everybody ever associated with her. 

Life is good.