Take The Blade Away From Me

It's still self harm.

Made a promise i wouldn’t cut again to two different people… Does it count if I got really angry at myself and scratched too hard…more than once…

There’s no blood…the skin is just a little broke… Y'know

Faxx 🌚🖤

TW really deep dark thoughts..

I want to recover… but I’m too scared. I want to eat… but I’m too scared. I want to live… but I’m too scared. I’m just too scared of the thought of gaining weight. Of showing myself out there in the world. I want to hide. I want to silently vanish away somehow.. yet I know that that isn’t possible. I’m in a constant fight in my own brain. As if there’s a own dark world in there where there’s pure chaos but also pure silence. Its like a dark neighbourhood at night and i walk through it but it’s so mf silent but it’s that scary type of silence where you know the next second something’s gonna happen. That terrifying type of silence. Where you don’t get a single second to breathe and relax. Always on the run. As if there’s something constantly behind you hunting you. THATS my brain.. I’m not living unless I feel.. pain. I’ve been in a constant numb mode where I just can’t cry. Even if I try and want to. I can’t. Fucking. Cry. When all I want is to have a good cry to let it all out. Instead, it develops into anger against myself and that’s when selfharm and starvation happily Hand in hand enter and punish me. For what? Existing???? What is this bullshit… I’m getting to a point where I don’t think I will ever be able to recover. I want to… but I’m just too… scared. Because all these dark thoughts are so damn familiar and in a way comforting bc it’s all I know. I wish I could experience the good. The happiness. The warmth and light so I can find comfort in there instead..

And I don't want to be okay. I'm used to it.

Fucking hell I’m not okay

I never was

Same

Cant remember how my arms look like unscarred. It feel like I always had them.

This.

Everybody thinks I’m so happy.

And I’m like : « Ok, but I won’t show you my arms and my thighs. You won’t see me crying the whole night and fall asleep at 4am. Neither when I can’t breathe because of my anxiety. Neither when I go to the toilets to cry. Neither when I have a binge eating episode. Or when I throw up in the toilets. Neither when I put a fake smile on my face when I have to meet people. Neither when I wake up and think about dying. You will never see this part of me. »

Why do I always come back to this

Relatable

The crazy thing about me hiding my depression is that my family and my friends don’t think I’m happy. No. They actually think I’m a REALLY happy girl. Like sooooo happy. Always smiling, always laughing, always making jokes.

My friends already asked me : « Is that actually possible for you not to smile !? »

It’s kinda funny to ask this to a depressive, insomniac, binge eater, self harmer, suicidal girl.

This is my hand after relapse for everyone wondering.