Hello Google Chrome Refugees

COOCHIE CAVE.

it bites.

"that time of the month" "monthly visitor" "feminine hygiene products" GRRAH!!! SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! PERIOD!! MENSTRUATION!!!! TAMPONS!!! PADS!! MENOPAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!

I used to follow genderqueerdykes years ago before the whole .. "transandrophobia" thing reached its current peak as discourse on this site.

I considered myself uneducated. It isn't my place, I'd say. I was afab. I'm white. How dare I speak this way about it. Who claimed to be a mixed black trans lesbian. No more.

I once considered it somebody who knew more about gender. About orientation. About the punk scene. Somebody who could teach me, a confused traumatized college drop out, how to accept myself. I was in it's server. I admit this.

This is a front Equinox puts up to morally grandstand over those it squeezes money out of.

So here is my repentance for having ever considered it anything but a grifter and a fraud.

I've archived on my blog the accusations against Equinox.

Racefaking (links to SA allegations)

Sexual assault

Transmisogyny and sexism (links to SA allegations)

This post will be updated as necessary. My intention is to dedicate this post as a collection of information related to Equinox. Please note it uses "it/its" pronouns as of the writing of this post.

bpd culture is feeling a little bit unwanted and immediately shutting down and isolating from everyone even though you know all it does is make things even worse

mushroom burger

long kinda vent ahead hooray. it's kinda system-flavored this time. tastes like lemon. 🍋

sometimes it's really hard being a system, especially one that is so, like, hyper-aware of everything i have. every disorder, every disability. thing is, i can't do anything to fix myself!!

i've literally told my own mother about separate identity states and the memory loss and whatnot. she said to my therapist that i "was right about the dissociative thing," even if we were only diagnosed so far with unspecified dissociative disorder. the dmdd diagnosis typically leads to an adulthood diagnosis of bipolar, which i'm actually scared about. i fit much more into borderline, just like my mom.

ugh, i don't know. i don't even know what i'll be diagnosed with, come adulthood. i mean system-wise. we're a trauma-endo system (which some fuckheads will already think is enough to not warrant a diagnosis, thanks for that) that doesn't switch from the main host a lot. we have good communication when i can switch out from the front, but we don't have complete memory loss. if anything, it's more like emotional amnesia and the memories are kinda gone too, but they can come back at a later date.

for example, our medic fictive had to call the cops (they didn't even do anything either, but it was our mom's last resort) one night at 2 am last year. i don't remember it well, but i remember it happened. he was terrified that night and he couldn't switch out.

but what the fuck could we even be diagnosed with? i want a diagnosis. i want to figure out exactly what is going on with my brain. most of my parts aren't exactly same-y. they're different people, at least most of them are. sure, we have to mask a little bit, but they think and act a little different than me. we have the memory loss, but i've always had a horrid memory, even before our late syscovery in january of 2021. but i sometimes feel like it's not "bad enough" to warrant a full-on did diagnosis.

it just confuses me. a lot of the times before, my mom would see me looking up disorders and go "oh, shi's just looking hirself up again." but i'm just that aware of what's wrong with me. people either see me and disregard my research, or i just don't know how to help myself. those are the 2 results. yes, i have a therapist. yes, i open up to her and she makes me feel safe, much more than any other therapist i've had in the past.

i just don't know how to help myself. to help us. i want to live in functional multiplicity, mostly because i get so tired and i get so lonely. i don't want these people to be gone at all. if anything, they give me someone to talk to, even if our headspace isn't permanent and we don't remember our own conversations, even if we jot them down. my memory absolutely sucks. i can't remember faces, names, or even voices sometimes. i can't remember people.

basically, i love and yet hate being disabled by anything my mind and body throws at me. i like the community, i like learning about myself. i hate the symptoms, i hate the confusion and the doctors not being able to do their fucking job. ahem, looking at you doctors who only tested me for SLEEP APNEA, which i definitely do not have. now they want to test me for narcolepsy... which i probably don't have, either.

sometimes i wish what it was like to be of sound mind and body, even if it was for just one singular day.

reminds me of that one part we had years ago before our system randomly fused out of nowhere and reset again that was literally just like. stemmed from eating a pretzel? their name was literally pretzel. and they fucking loved pretzels. mostly the stick ones actually

cringe system culture is..

why tf do we have a headmate bc of eating a candy cane?!

~🌑🍄 sys

.

@confettisketty oh hey it's you (gonna call you a SLUR.)

..me too actually.

techtum: objectum attraction to mobiles/phones, computers, and televisions

needed this for a request - definition from here! i just went with tech-y colors.

flag id: a flag with 5 vertical stripes. in order, they are dark blue-grey, yellow-green, silver-white, blue, and dark grey. in the center of the flag is a large white circle with a black outline. end id.

dni transcript here