LIKE TO CHARGE REBLOG TO CAST LET'S GET THIS FUCKER EXPLODEDED

Reblog to make him lose another 200 billion, like to make him lose 1 billion

A Drunk Video

Rating: Teen and up

Paring: Harry Styles x fem!reader (platonic pairing only)

Word Count: 3,641

Summary: You and Harry get absolutely wasted and make a decision to make a YouTube video. It was probably a bad decision

Warnings: lots of swearing, sexual themes but they’re all joking, WAP, small slut shaming

A/N: listen this was a fic I wrote aggggges ago. I just suddenly remembered it and wanted to share my sins with the masses. I’m not going to apologise for doing what’s RIGHT.

You hummed as you trotted up the stairs of the very modern apartment building. The grey walls were spotless and the bright white lights hung low.

You furrowed your eyebrows as you stepped onto the fourteenth floor landing. Why the hell did Harry even have an apartment? He was rich enough to buy a mansion. You contemplated this as you moved along the hall. Looking for the familiar 1402.

You smirked to yourself and knocked on the door. A few moments passed and the door swung open revealing the rock star himself. Harry’s Los Angeles apartment was very sleek. Harry in plaid pajama bottoms, a black jumper, and fuzzy socks, was not.

“Well someone looks comfortable for four pm.” You teased as he smiled at you. He nodded and opened the door wider to let his friend in.

“Had a rough night so I just wanted to be comfortable.” He said running a hand through his hair. You watched him out of the corner of your eye, not wanting to openly stare.

“Rough night hmm?” You teased again, a grin on your face. Harry rolled his eyes and nudged your shoulder.

“I might’ve binge watched that show you like. The entire show.” Harry mumbled as he fell on his couch. You snickered as you slid down next to him. Harry groaned and moved so his head was on your smaller shoulder.

“You binge watched Sherlock in one day? I’m impressed.” You laughed out as you ran your hand through his messy hair. Harry nuzzled more into you, trying to feel more of you scratch his head.

“Benedict Cumberbatch is.” Harry moved away slightly to put his hand in the air. He made the ‘okay’ sign and you laughed.

“That he is.” You nodded as Harry settled back down onto you. You two laid like that for a few minutes. You absentmindedly twirling and scratching Harry’s hair as you stared out of the giant windows making up his far wall. The busy Los Angeles evening greeted your site. It was comfortable.

“You want to order some food?” Harry spoke, his voice completely muffled by your shoulder. You smiled down at him. You were sure that if anyone could see you, they could tell how much you cared for the man. It wasn’t a romantic adoration, just true love for another person without expectations or further meanings. You just simply loved him.

“If you want. Pizza?” You asked, making you feel Harry’s smile press into you. He shifted so his head was lying on your lap. Harry stared up at you before closing his eyes peacefully.

“Read my mind.” He hummed as you ran a hand through his thick hair again. You smiled softly and brought your phone out of your pocket. You two ordered a pizza each and remained cuddled up until the doorbell rang.

Harry sighed and untangled himself from your lap. He padded over to the door as he ruffled his hair, trying to get it to appear less flat. He opened the door and greeted the delivery man with a smile.

You picked at the threads of your ripped jeans and flowed into the kitchen. As Harry was talking, you grabbed some plates and cups and brought them to Harry’s small glass table.

“We should film something for your channel.” Harry said as he closed the door behind him, the boxes being clutched in his arms. You smiled at him and nodded. You always felt a little guilty whenever you featured Harry on your channel. You never wanted for him to feel as if you were clout chasing. You were friends with him before you became big on YouTube and you wanted him to remember that.

“Yeah, we could sing some songs. Make it stupid.” You mused propping your chin on your hand. Harry smiled as you, dimples popping. He served you a slice and sat next to you in his seat.

“Make it stupid.” He agreed. The two always made sure that if they were going to post something, it had to be for laughs. Anything serious between you two was unheard of.

You had been a part of the Eroda music video. You had actually helped direct it. You and Harry had been drunk in Peru when the thought struck you both, and it was a collaborate idiotic idea that created the music video. To say that a few months later, you were dressed with weird hair as Harry sang to a fish, was serious? Absolutely not. You two just wanted to make something stupid. And you both fully succeeded.

As you two ate, you brainstormed on what you were going to sing. With a few glasses of wine in your stomachs, you had both equally bad ideas.

“Fuck.” You hissed as you accidentally spilled your wine on your clothes. Harry giggled as he eased the glass out of your hands.

“I think you drank too much,” He smiled and you couldn’t help but smile back. “I’ll go get you some clothes. You probably have some here anyway.”

You tried to dab the wine off you, but rolled your eyes. It was pointless. As you started to drum on the table, Harry chucked some clothes at your back. Your mouth opened in shock and you flipped him off.

You just pulled your shirt off and put a loose grey shirt then your short shorts on. Your usual go-to sleep clothes. You didn’t really care that you were changing in front of Harry. Lord knows you were comfortable enough with each other to see each other in your underwear. You looked up and Harry wiggled his eyebrows at you.

“Let’s get this show on the road then, pop star.” You giggled as you leaned over and ruffled his hair. Harry looked at you lazily and watched you with half closed eyes. You wiped your hands on your shorts and set up your camera, focusing it on the two couches by Harry’s TV.

“Looks like we’re filming a porno.” Harry snickered, a wide smile on his face as he wiped his eyes. You smiled at him and flipped him off.

“You wish.” You sang as you put your laptop on his kitchen counter. You leaned forward and began typing with a smirk on your face.

“Imagine if we did have sex though.” Harry said. You furrowed your eyebrows and turned to look at him over your shoulder.

“Boy, I love you, but you are not touching me. Especially when we’re both drunk.” You said with a slight grimace. Harry pouted and leaned back in his chair.

“You take the fun out of everything.” He giggled and leaned his elbows on his table. He continued to watch you and a big smile spread over your face suddenly. You looked over at him with an evil glint in your eyes and Harry gulped. He especially didn’t like it when you gave him that look. The last time you turned to him with the evil eye, Harry had been convinced to be strapped onto a helicopter for the Sign of the Times music video as you laughed from behind the camera.

Little did Harry know you had picked a song conviently called Harry by Kelsey Karter. Kelsey wrote the song about your friend here. She posted a picture on Instagram with a tattoo of Harry on her cheek promoting the song. You had found it when the picture came out and it was honestly a banger. You also adored that Kelsey did it all for a publicity stunt and the tattoo wasn’t even real. Genius.

“Come to the couch H.” You teased as you hit record on your camera. Harry narrowed his eyes at you and fell over the back of his couch and laid down long ways.

Harry watched as you said your intro a few times. You kept stumbling over your words in your intoxicated state and that for whatever reason made Harry giggle. You flipped him off and smiled at the camera sweetly.

“This is my friend Harry,” Harry smiled, his dimples popping as he waved to the camera. He slouched down in his comfortable clothes, matching your attire. He was sure that once this video aired he was going to be clowned for how domestic you both looked, but he didn’t care. The sight of you two so content and in a state of bliss was very rare. You scrunched your nose at him. Something he returned happily.

“We’re going to sing you some songs, if you like. Harry, you want to go first?” You asked him as you cocked your head to the side. Harry tapped his chin in mock thought and shook his head.

“Your channel, you can go first.” He said, his voice drawing out slowly. You smirked and nodded.

“I’d like to just say that me and Harry are both pretty drunk. Also we were talking about porn earlier so there is slight context to why I’m doing this.” Harry put his head in his hands and groaned. He knew that you were carefree enough to be okay with putting that on the Internet and he just had to accept that. And be prepared to put twitter on silent.

You walked over to Harry’s kitchen counter. Your laptop was opened and shining brightly in the slightly dim room. You tapped on it, making sure to keep it from the camera and Harry’s pryful eyes.

You smirked as the music started and fluffed your hair as you walked over to Harry. You tugged him to sit up on the couch and began to sing.

“I blacked out, passed out, first time we met. It wasn't drugs, could be love, but it's probably sex.” You sat on the couch next to him and at ‘sex’ you put a hand on his thigh. Harry raised his eyebrows at you as you smiled and continued to sing along with the recording.

“Cool stare, greased hair curled around your eye. I wanna take a dirty picture, send it to your mind, I'm not just thinkin' 'bout you.” You ran your hand through his hair again and Harry smiled a little wider. You moved your hand down to his neck and ran it down to his chest.

“I'll treat you better than the girls you're hangin' out with. Take you to heaven and I'll show you all around it. I'll never ever let you down. Ooh.” You moved off the couch and circled to the back. Wrapping your arms around his neck and leaned down and sang into his ear. You blew in it making Harry giggle as a drunk flush came over his features.

“Harry. I'm gonna make you love me, you’re gonna make me breakfast. It's a secret just between us we can keep it low-key. I ain't being funny, you should be so lucky to put your, put your velvet arms around me.” You fell over the back of the couch like Harry did earlier. But this time you put your legs around his waist as you made him wrap his arms around your shoulders. Harry laughed at this and bobbed his head to the music, showing to you and the camera that he didn’t care for your sexual intentions just as much as he knew you didn’t care to really make it sexual.

“I'm g-g-g-g-gonna make you love me.” You sang and they both tried to not burst out laughing.

“Yeah, I'm staring at you in the magazines every day. Feel like I'm seventeen never been touched this way. I'm thinking 'bout you.” You rolled off him to sit on his coffee table. With idiotic acting you crossed your legs and pulled up one of the magazines that was laying there. You gazed over the top of it with a smirk and Harry wiggled his fingers in a wave.

“I'll treat you better than the boys you're hangin' out with.” You bit your lip and leaned back on the coffee table. You knew you looked like an idiot, but that was the point.

“Take you to heaven and I'll show you all around it. I'll never ever let you down. Ooh Harry.” You rotated your head like a snake charmer and at the beat dropped, you sunk to your knees in front of Harry. He laughed and spread his legs so he could look at you.

“I'm gonna make you love me. You're gonna make me breakfast. It's a secret just between us we can keep it low-key. I ain't being funny. You should be so lucky to put your, put your velvet arms around me.” You tried not to laugh as you stood up and started to dance ‘erotically’. Harry leaned back and pretended to make it rain on you.

“Oh, Harry, Harry. Mmmm, Harry.” You got back on the floor and crawled the short distance to the couch. Making sure to overemphasize your shoulder blades moving.

“Oh, baby, I'm gonna make you love me. Yeah. So put your, put your, put your arms around me.” You sat next to Harry and pushed him to lay down. As you hit the end of the lyrics you laid across his body as Harry laughed obnoxiously.

“I'm gonna, I'm gonna. Gonna, gonna make you love me. Harry!” You sat up and started to twerk horribly on him making Harry cover his face with his arm and he tried not to cry laughing. You made your voice crack on the last note of the song and Harry couldn’t help himself. He tackled you off the couch as you doubled over laughing.

“Are you trying to get me hard in front of all of these people?” Harry joked hovering over you. You snickered and looked behind you at the camera. You caught your breath and nodded at Harry with a grin to match his.

“Mmhm.”

“Well it didn’t work so that’s embarrassing for you.” Your jaw dropped in mock offense and Harry narrowed his eyes at you. You both stared at each other in silence for a few seconds before Harry lost it and you both started laughing again. Harry rolled off you, still giggling.

“So that was Harry by Kelsey Karter. I actually showed this song to Harry. We both had a very entertaining time.” You said, popping up to talk to the camera. Harry put his head on your shoulder and smiled.

“My song is a lot less suggestive. Because this is a family show,” Harry cut you off and you covered your face with your hand. A bright smile spread across your face. Harry leaned forward to look at you.

“Or is itttttt?” You both said and were sent into a new fit of drunken hysterics.

“If you could take that seat there,” Harry said as he pulled you back onto the couch that he was sitting in earlier. He skipped over to your laptop and began typing.

“Get ready to get your panties wet.” He said loudly, making you laugh. You knew you were going to have to edit that out but for now you just laughed at Harry’s brash, drunk personality.

He cleared his throat and clicked play on you laptop. Your mouth dropped. He was not doing this on camera for potentially millions to see. Holy shit.

“Whores in this house. There's some whores in this house.”

You covered your mouth as Harry moved around and danced like a weirdo. He started doing the robot and you leaned your head back in a cackle. You were so fucking glad you were filming this.

“I said certified freak, seven days a week. Wet-ass pussy, make that pullout game weak!” Harry rapped out choppily and started dancing again. You watched him make up horrible moves and he started doing the dance routine One Direction always did which made you almost jump out of your seat.

“Put this pussy right in your face. Swipe your nose like a credit card. Hop on top, I wanna ride I do a kegel while it's inside. Spit in my mouth, look in my eyes. This pussy is wet, come take a dive. Tie me up like I'm surprised. Let's role play, I'll wear a disguise.” Harry rapped, gaining more of a flow the longer he rapped. You were surprised at how well he knew the lyrics. He spun around his living room and you laughed again.

“I want you to park that big Mack truck right in this little garage.” He yelled, dropping to his knees. You shoved a pillow over your face to keep from screaming as tears of laughter rolled down your face.

“Gobble me, swallow me, drip down the side of me. Quick, jump out 'fore you let it get inside of me. I tell him where to put it, never tell him where I'm 'bout to be. I'll run down on him 'fore I have a n**** running me. Talk your shit, bite your lip.” Harry spit out. He put his hand over his mouth when the n word came up and then he slid forward grabbing your hand. He put it to his heart as he rapped.

“Now get your boots and your coat for this wet-ass pussy. He bought a phone just for pictures of this wet-ass pussy. Pay my tuition just to kiss me on this wet-ass pussy. Now make it rain if you wanna see some wet-ass pussy.” Harry winked and lay on the coffee table with his arm propping his head up as he laid down.

“Look, I need a hard hitter, I need a deep stroker. I need a Henny drinker, I need a weed smoker. Not a garden snake, I need a king cobra with a hook in it, hope it lean over.” He pointed at you and your smile widened as you wiggled your shoulders and mouthed out ‘Yass’.

“I don't wanna spit, I wanna gulp. I wanna gag, I wanna choke. I want you to touch that lil' dangly thing that swing in the back of my throat.” At this Harry slid off the table and brought you to stand with him. He moved around and horribly tried to ballroom dance as you laughed so hard you could barely hear the blaring music of Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion.

“Your honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashes. Switch my wig, make him feel like he cheating. Put him on his knees, give him something to believe in. Never lost a fight, but I'm looking for a beating.” Harry twirled you out of his arms and punched the air to the sound effect of the fighting bell. You were feeling inspired and started to twerk like Tina Belcher. Harry tried so hard to not laugh, he almost stopped rapping.

“In the food chain, I'm the one that eat ya. If he ate my ass, he's a bottom feeder. Big D stand for big demeanor. I could make you bust before I ever meet ya.” Harry spun you around and winked obnoxiously.

He dipped you and you pushed him off as you fell to the ground. Your laughter took over you. You did not expect him to rap about getting rimmed, but you were so glad you were recording.

“If he fuck me and ask, "Whose is it?" When I ride the dick, I'ma spell my name. Ah.” You couldn’t help yourself and you started rapping along with him.

Harry jumped on his couch and pulled you up with him. You both just jumped around and laughed as the music continued to play.

“Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussy.” Harry wiggled his shoulders like ‘the wobble’ as he slowly snuck to his knees on the couch.

“Now from the top, make it drop. That's some wet-ass pussy.” At this, Harry grabbed the back of your knees and pulled them to him. You shrieked as you fell on his body and you both laughed as you fell onto the couch.

“I'm talking WAP, WAP, WAP.” You couldn’t help but shout this with Harry and you rolled off him and onto the floor.

You propped your chin on the couch as he circled it and stood behind it. With his hands on the back he leaned down so you were a few inches apart.

“That's some wet-ass pussy. Macaroni in a pot.” he whispered leaning way to close to you. You fell back and hit the coffee table with a bang. You clutched your elbow in pain, but kept laughing at him. Harry couldn’t help himself and as the song finished up. He just doubled over the couch and cracked up.

The song started over, but you both were too far gone from laughing to pay attention. Harry’s apartment was full of laughter as your faces went red and you gasped for breath.

“Harry oh my god!” You shrieked and threw a pillow at him. He slapped his thigh and as he giggled.

“We’re making ourselves appear as a pair of sluts.” You said and pushed off the couch to stand up. Harry giggled and nodded.

“Less suggestive my ass.” You teased with a smirk and Harry snickered.

“Yup!” He exclaimed. Harry hopped over the back of his couch to sit down as he tried to regain his breathing. You moved to sit next to him. You were both flushed with big smiles and you waved at the camera.

“Bye!” You yelled and Harry waved too. You moved to turn the camera off and you plopped back onto the couch.

“What the fuck even was that video?!” You exclaimed and Harry smiled at you and shrugged.

“Just say we’re drunk. Then everything makes sense.” He said, throwing an arm around your shoulders. You nodded and covered your face with your hands. You knew this was going to break the internet and honestly you couldn’t wait.

Something Had Happened

Part 1 of ? of How series

Rating: Teen and up

Pairing: Peter Maximoff x fem!reader

Word Count: 3,700

Summary: As the person in charge of hiding and rehubilitating superheroes, you never expected to be tasked with hiding someone from another reality

Warnings: swearing, bad understanding of how the U.S. Marshal Service works, Tony is still alive :(

A/N: This was inspired by this post, wandavison, and my bullshit understanding of the X-men and the multiverse. This is set a year and a half after Civil War. And 6 months before the events of Infinity War. This fic spans from that time period all the way to WandaVision. So get ready for a slow burn fix-it fic. Because the dick joke was offensive.

Sunlight streamed in from the gaps of your curtains. You sat on the floor, back against your desk as you watched the dust particles swirl around, never settling on your cluttered room. Your head had never felt heavier, but you slowly turned it to stare at the cup of water sitting next to you.

You took a shaky breath and brought your hand up slowly. With a flick of your wrist a perfect circle of water rose up from the cup. You felt tears gathering in your eyes and you had to squeeze them shut to keep from completely breaking down. You heard the water plop back down into the cup as your concentration broke.

“Fuck fuck fuck.” You whispered, bringing your hands to yank at the roots in your hair. You tucked your head into your chest and drew your knees up, effectively turning yourself into a ball. You felt the tears finally roll down your face and you cursed again knowing you wouldn’t be able to stop. Your throat hurt from the sob you choked down and you tore your hand away from your hair and covered your mouth, trying to keep your sobs hidden. They wracked through your body and you pressed your forehead more firmly into your knees.

This couldn’t be happening. You couldn’t have powers. Half moon crescents from your nails digging into your cheek, throbbed as you pulled your hand away from your mouth.

In a pathetic fury you lunged for the cup of water and threw it at the wall. It shattered against a poster and the water and glass rained down on your floor.

You sniffled as you stared at the mess you made. Pity and misery washed over you again and you pressed your back, back to your desk.

-Ten Years Later-

You felt your blood hum as you strolled across the little bridge over the man made pond. You smirked as your fingers gave a little twitch, longing to be able to play among the water.

A large rectangular building lay ahead of you and you strode ahead with confidence. Your shoes crunched against the gravel courtyard. The Avengers Compound loomed impressively in front of you. It had been a year and a half since the “Civil War” happened and the compound hadn’t felt the same since. With people like Captain Rodgers, Agent Barton, Dr. Banner, and Thor, on the run or at their homes, nothing felt quite right.

Of course you knew where Agent Barton was, that was your job after all. You worked closely with S.H.I.E.L.D from the United States Marshal Service to utilize the operation, Witness Security Program, or more commonly called, The Federal Witness Protection Program. You were the sole person in charge of the link between the superheroes and the U.S. Department of Justice.

You shifted your briefcase from your right hand to your left and placed your palm on the door scanner. You bounced on the balls of your feet awkwardly as the tech read your prints. You leaned forward to do the same to your eye before the door buzzed open with a welcoming noise.

You strolled into the building with your head high, not wanting to look out of place. Not today. It wasn’t often that you visited the Avengers Compound, but something had happened.

You didn’t know exactly what it was, but your team had all been called in under the instruction of Mr. Stark and Director Mace.

You lamented losing not only Director Fury but Director Coulson, but you shook your head to clear the thought’s away. There were a lot of events to the two of them “leaving” the way they did.

You breezed down the corridors of the compound, wondering idly if your team had showed up yet. Agent Iyer definitely was, there was no doubt about it.

There were two members of your team, excluding you. Agent Iyer and Agent Tareen. You three occupied a very small part of the S.H.I.E.L.D. operations, called H.O.M.E., but the work you three did was top secret. Only the three of you, Director Mace, and the client you were assisting, knew what you did. And the Avengers of course. Just so they knew they had options. You wished more of them would come for help.

You along with Agents Tareen and Iyer worked at the U.S. Marshal Service helping normal people into the witness program. But you three were also available at the drop of a hat to work with S.H.I.E.L.D. and get their heroes in a safe home or witnesses away from supervillains.

It was like your normal job, just a little more extreme.

You rounded a corner and let out a huff once you saw both Agent Tareen and Agent Iyer sitting in the conference room. You checked your watch.

You were twenty minutes early.

Jackasses.

You eyed them through the window for a second, feeling nothing but pride for your team. Agent Tareen was wearing a beige hijab that was intricately wrapped on her head. A power suit adjourning her body. A comfy looking undershirt covered any skin that may be exposed and she looked incredibly bored sitting there. You smiled at her and looked over at Agent Iyer. His dark hair and dark beard matched his suit perfectly. You raised your eyebrow at the vest sitting underneath his jacket, but you weren’t surprised. Iyer would wear a three piece suit to meet with the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. You smiled at your smartly dressed associates and readjusted your grip on your briefcase.

You put on a ludicrous smile and shoved open the door. It banged open and you were surprised to see Mr. Stark standing there with them. You hadn’t noticed him from the window by the door.

“Agents. Mr. Stark.” You greeted, making your smile seem more charming. Mr. Stark looked up and nodded at you. Agent Tareen shot you a playful glare and you repressed the urge to stick your tongue out at her. You eyed a bowl of peanuts that sat in front of you before you quickly snatched a few and popped them into your mouth.

“Agent Y/L/N I presume. Right, now that we’re all here I’ll start,” Mr. Stark said and clapped his hands. He pulled out his phone and with a few taps holograms burst from it. He tapped around them, you tried to follow what he was even looking at, but it just looked like blue lights to you.

“Here we go, the wonder boy.” He said, dragging a specific picture on his phone to display onto the TV sitting across from you three. You slowly sink into a chair, placing your briefcase down quietly. You wheeled in next to Agent Iyer and looked up with morbid interest.

You really hoped it wasn’t a child.

Instead pictures of a man maybe a little younger than you flood the screen. He had blonde and silver hair, a silver jacket, goggles on his head, and headphones around his neck. He looked peaceful as he laid on the forest floor. You swallowed, not wanting to see a dead body this early in the morning.

Agent Tareen leaned forward in her chair and narrowed her eyes, studying the images carefully.

“A couple of kids found him. They were playing in the woods when they saw a man lying on the ground. They thought he was dead and their parents called 911. Local police and EMTs discovered he was indeed alive. Except he then moved away from them.” You furrowed your eyebrows and nodded along to what Mr. Stark was saying. This was weird right? What did this all mean? Did the kids or their parents need to go into hiding? Why was Mr. Stark the one relaying the information and not your usual boss at the Marshal Service?

“And how is this a concern to us?” Agent Iyer spoke up, resting his chin into his hand. Mr. Stark seemed to light up and leaned forward and popped one of the peanuts into his mouth.

“That’s the thing. He moved three miles away in half a second. Speedy got super speed.” You snapped your attention to the TV screen in astonishment.

“So you found a hero, is that it?” Agent Tareen said, looking almost bored at this briefing.

“No, it gets worse.” Mr. Stark said and clicked on his phone again. He swiped his finger across it and pictures of lab data swirled across the screen.

“S.H.I.E.L.D. did some initial testing on him at the site and apparently he isn’t from our reality. He’s from a different form of Earth. Says his name is ‘Peter Maximoff’ and he’s a member of something called the “X-Men”.” Stark said using air quotations on the word.

“A Maximoff with superspeed. No shit.” You echoed and fell back in your chair. Suddenly feeling like you couldn’t breathe. Mr. Stark grinned with his mouth full and then clicked on his phone again. A side by side of Pietro Maximoff and this Peter Maximoff appeared and you raised an eyebrow. They didn’t look anything alike except for maybe the blonde hair.

“So here’s the thing, Mace doesn’t actually know about any of this. The only people that know about this are me, you three, and a team of doctors. S.H.I.E.L.D doesn’t,” he paused and put a hand to his chest. “Pardon my French, know shit and they didn’t do any tests. I did.”

You glanced nervously at Agent Tareen and Agent Iyer. You didn’t want to be involved in any schemes with Mr. Stark. Especially not after the Sokovia accords and the “Civil War”.

Mr. Stark watched as the three of you looked unamused and apprehensive. He sighed and sat at the head of the table, wheeling his chair in close. “Listen, I don't even know if Director Mace is actually in charge. I don’t know where Director Colson is. I don’t know if S.H.I.E.L.D is going to fall to Hydra again. I don’t know if someone’s going to come looking for this Peter guy and be more powerful than anyone we’ve ever seen. I don’t know who to trust here. And to be honest I don’t want anyone experimenting on someone from a different reality. This is the kind of thing we weren’t even aware existed until now. We don’t know what will happen. So for the time being, I’d like you to keep this man safe somewhere that isn’t a jail cell or an experiment lab.” Mr. Stark wheeled his chair closer and turned to look at you now.

“I understand your line of work is keeping superheroes safe and away from super villains or otherwise threats.” He said, raising his eyebrows. “So until we understand more about the multiverse or whatever, keep him safe and hidden”

And with that Mr. Stark wheeled far enough away from the table to stand, tapped on his phone again, and left the two pictures of Peter and Pietro staring at you three. He gave you one last look and left the room with the pictures staring at you.

The briefing room was dead silent before Agent. Iyer put his head in his hands.

“Fuck.” He said and you and Agent Tareen cracked a smile.

Fuck indeed.

“Someone’s gotta tell Ms. Wanda Maximoff,” Agent Tareen spoke up, biting her bottom lip. Agent Iyer nodded and miserably raised his head. He brought his hand up to rub at his forehead. You leaned back in your chair and sighed.

“I know that’s probably the best thing to do. But this is not her twin brother. This is a random person who happens to share her last name and brother's super power. Do you all think that hunting her down and telling her this would honestly be a good idea? To give her such intense false hope before she sees a stranger who has her brother’s name and powers? You don’t think that would be an insult to her twin and only family member since she was a kid?” You ended your statement by gesturing to the TV displaying the pictures of Peter Maximoff and Pietro Maximoff. Agent Iyer sighed as you did so.

You had made your point.

“So we keep it from her? Is that what we’re honestly planning on doing?” Agent Tareen sneered leaning forward in her chair. Her beige hijab shifting around her shoulders at her sudden movement. You turned your gaze to your friend and sighed.

“No I’m not saying we never tell her. When she comes out of hiding, yes I think we should. But now, when we haven’t even met him? That is not a good time.” You stared at Agent Tareen with pleading eyes. You were technically their boss, but the three of you were a team and you did not want to make a decision without all of you on board.

Agent Tareen sighed and looked away from you.

“Fine. But you will be the one to tell her.”

You nodded at that. That seemed perfectly fair.

You all adjusted your chairs to look at the screen. There was a file folder on the briefing table and you reached for it. You raised an eyebrow as you skimmed the pages.

“Apparently Peter Maximoff is in the building.” You muttered looking up to your team. Iyer raised an eyebrow while Tareen suppressed a smirk. You glanced between the two of them before the three of you burst out of the conference room.

“Where is he?” Iyer said, tucking a long black strand of hair behind his ear. You hastily opened the file.

“He’s in the west wing. Room W17.” You said closing and hugging the file to your chest. Tareen nodded and took off speed walking in the proper direction. You shrugged at Iyer and took off after her.

It wasn’t long before you three skidded to a stop. To your surprise it was a very large room without any windows. The only way to see the man was to go in. Tareen took a step back and put her hand out to stop Iyer.

“Well boss, warm him up for us. Don’t want to freak him out with an immediate power imbalance.” She said smartly, giving you a mock salute. You handed Iyer the file, repressed the urge to huff like a child, and turned to the door again.

You took a deep breath, showed your clearance to the door, and opened it.

Well. This wasn’t what you were expecting. Not even a little.

Mr. Maximoff was lounging back on a bean bag with a Nintendo Switch in his hands. He didn’t even glance up at you as he blindly reached down to his side and brought a Coke up to slurp through the straw.

You looked at him awkwardly for a minute or two before he finally glanced up.

“Agent Y/N Y/L/N. Gotta be honest, didn't expect a U.S. Marshal. I don’t even know what that is. You in the military? Cause I don’t really like em, sorry.” He said, cocking his head to the side.

You blinked a few times and looked at him helplessly.

“Um, what?” You floundered before it clicked that Mr. Stark must have told him you were coming. You cleared your throat and crossed your arms.

“Yes I am from the Marshal Service. As Mr. Stark must have said. My name is Agent Y/L/N. I am in charge of the H.O.M.E. sector of S.H.I.E.L.D.” He cut you off by suddenly leaning against the door behind you. You whipped around and stared at him. Eyes wide, not expecting a display of his power so soon.

“Nah I read your ID and then went through your wallet. Twenty bucks is kinda embarrassing. What does H.O.M.E. stand for?” He said leaning into your personal space. You narrowed your eyes as his nose was only an inch away from yours. You were friends with Agent Tareen for fuckssake, you could handle a game of chicken.

You tilted your chin up and looked him in the eyes. They were a deep brown that seemed almost black. It didn’t add to his slightly creepy atmosphere and like he could read your thoughts, his mouth twitched in a smile before he leaned back against the door.

“The Heroes Obscure Maneuver Extension.” You recited making Maximoff furrow his eyebrows. He crossed his arms and stared at you with an incredulous expression.

“That barely makes sense-.” You cut him off with a wave of your hand.

“This doesn’t matter. Mr. Maximoff-,” this time it was his turn to cut you off. He turned his head lazily to the side and frowned slightly.

“Call me Peter.” You stared briefly at the pronounced tendons in his neck before realising what was happening and taking a step back.

“Mr. Maximoff,” you stressed, staring at him intently. He blew some air out of his mouth in a childish horse impression. “It is my understanding you come from a different Earth. I regret to inform you that our faction of government isn’t exactly the most secure at the moment. If anyone finds out where you come from there will be an uproar, and you will be in danger. Mr. Stark has trusted my team to keep you safe until we understand more about the Multiverse to send you home.” You recited thinking back to the first sentence of his file. Objective: Get Maximoff home.

He seemed to ponder this before you blinked and he was missing from in front of you. You sighed and spun around trying to find him in the larger room. The white lights seemed too bright as the only thing really in this room was you two, and the stupid beanbag. You squint your eyes to see him holding the file that you had previously trusted to Agent Iyer.

He sat on the floor comfortably and thumbed through it. Humming every once in a while. You decided to sit down too. Just letting him read the file. It didn’t hold any groundbreaking information, just his blood work and the basic data Mr. Stark and his doctors knew about him.

You stretched out your legs and leaned against the wall maybe five feet from where he was sitting. After he finished looking at the entire thing he placed it down and then appeared sitting next to you. You were starting to get used to the way he could move faster than you could realise. You suppressed a smile.

You turned your head to you right to see him sitting with his knees drawn up.

“Alright Agent Y/L/N, whatever you gotta do. I gotta be honest this version of Earth ain’t so bad. You got cool games,” he gestured to the abandoned Switch next to the bean bag. “I’ll stick around for a while.”

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding and smiled warmly at him. He seemed slightly taken aback.

“Hey don’t go all soft on me, I’m just here for the free house you’re gonna give me. My parents' basement kinda blows.” You raised your eyebrows at him and let out a little laugh.

“You’re lucky I don’t send you to a tiny apartment. Sonic all contained in a cage.” You mused and pushed off the floor to stand. He wrinkled his nose and looked up.

“Don’t quote Sega to me. They ripped off my power. Was a whole lawsuit in my reality.” He explained, his eyebrows raised and a mock serious expression in his face. You arched an eyebrow as he grinned. You didn’t believe him for a second. You glanced at the door again and gestured to the file.

“You wanna meet my team now? We have a lot of work to do.” You asked, making him purse his lips.

“If that’s what the boss lady says.” He shrugged, and he popped up to stand next to you, the file clutched in his hand. You narrowed your eyes at him in a mocking glare and smoothed down your pants.

You gestured to the door and he strolled forward happily. Iyer and Tareen’s heads snapped up as you both exited the room.

“Maximoff, this is Agent Iyer and Agent Tareen, please don’t use your powers.” You said scrubbing your hand through your hair. Maximoff bobbed his head a few times, strikingly resembling a horse.

The four of you decided that leaving the compound was probably a bad idea. The only people in here were Avengers and a few others, S.H.I.E.L.D. had their own building. Hopefully no one would care if two women and two men walked around. You eyed Maximoff’s white sweater and grey sweatpants.

It’ll probably be fine. People actually lived here. Hopefully no one would notice.

“Uh hey do you happen to know where they put my stuff?” Your thoughts were interrupted when Maximoff leaned in close to your ear and whispered. Your eyes widened and you turned your head quickly to stare at him. Agents Iyer and Tereen walked slightly ahead of you. Their own voices quiet as you four strolled through the building.

“Yeah, we can stop by. They’re probably with Agent Haib, she’s a sucker for free shit.” You murmured, leaning closer for Maximoff to hear you.

“Mhm and we’re is she?” He asked tapping a finger to his mouth. You paused for a moment to think.

“Second floor east wing.”

He groaned and in a second was standing next to you with his headphones on his silver jacket and goggles.

You narrowed your eyes at him. “I told you not to use your powers,” he grinned cheekily and popped the collar. “That’s the one rule, jackass.” He winked at you and tugged the headphones on cutting you off.

You rolled your eyes and crossed your arms. This was going to be a long, long day.

Hey Beautiful

Rating: Teen and up

Pairing: Carl Gallagher x fem!reader

Word Count: 1,388

Summary: Carl goes to buy Nick a bike and decideds this is the perfect time to make your life hell. Set in 6x04

Warnings: lots of swearing, “that’s Carl, he used to be white”, Nick being iconic as always

A/N: I’ve never written for Carl or for anything in Shameless so like go easy on me. Pls

You sat behind the counter with your head propped up on your hand. Lazily looking down on your phone and swiping through your Instagram feed.

The little bell over the door chimed and you looked up, slightly irritated that now you had to talk with someone. Probably some dad with his fucking kid, buying his “little champ” his first bike. Ever since those rich Northsiders started crawling in, business at the bike store your dad owned had been good. On the downside, if you had to suffer through a story about how amazing training wheels were going, you were going to commit homicide.

To your surprise a kid around your age swaggered into the store. Well more like trying to swagger. The short white kid with light brown hair in cornrows tried very hard. You glanced at his hair again. The highlights in the brown could be a dark blonde really. This fucker was a basically a blonde hair, blue eyed, midget and he was trying to act all tough. You rolled your eyes and looked back at your phone, already nauseous from this interaction.

“Shit if I knew this is what waited for me, I would’ve come in earlier. What’s your name, beautiful?” He said. You closed your eyes and counted to five before opening them and giving him a blank look.

“You here for anything or are you going to waste my time?” You drawled, crossing your arms and looking out the window. A very tall dark skinned man stood outside the store. Fiddling with the handles of a brown bike. His face didn’t reveal much, but his eyes were lit with excitement. You smiled softly at the sight and turned back to the kid in front of you.

He leaned against the counter and a smirk appeared on his mouth. “Oh I’m here for something, you took my heart and I want it back.”

You wanted to groan, but you stopped yourself and instead rolled your eyes. Your dad had a security camera pointed at you right now. If he saw you being rude to a customer you’d be in a world of trouble.

“Funny.” You deadpanned and rested your chin on your hand again. “That your friend outside? The bike’s $300.”

The kid, to his credit, didn’t even blink and slapped the money on the counter. Usually the prices scared off the idiots who were looking for an easy ride. You hated that you were slightly impressed. You eyed the money and raised an eyebrow to the kid.

“What just ‘cause I’m black means you're gonna refuse my money? Think all black people are criminals? Shit baby, I didn’t know you were like that.” He put a hand to his chest, acting offended. You couldn’t help yourself and let out a scoff. You reached for the money on the counter before the kid grabbed it back. You instead, put your hand on his and his stupid face moved into a wide grin.

“Yeah that’s what I like to see baby, knew you wanted me.”

“Shut the fuck up. And why are you acting so hard, you’re the whitest thing in here with that wannabe hair and those blue ass eyes.” You spat moving your hand off his like it was made of fire. To your surprise his shit eating grin only got wider. He opened his mouth to say something before the bell on the door chimed again.

His friend walked into the store. One of the bike handles clutched tightly in his hand, and a little kid holding his other. You wondered where the hell the kid came from. He looked to be about four and he smiled brightly at the idiot standing at the counter. You furrowed your eyebrows and looked between the three boys in the store.

“Ay Nick. Little homie.” The idiot in front of you called as he turned to look at the two. The two elder boys seemed to be having a silent conversation. Idiot turned back around and nodded.

“You got any really fancy locks?” He asked. He reached to his neck to fiddle with the gold chain sitting there. You were taken aback by the question and the lack of flirty attitude. Something about the earnest way he asked and the nervousness of his hands threw you off. Your eyes widened slightly as your brain tried to keep up with what was happening. It was as if this guy did a full 180. It was as if you were to admit you didn’t have any bike locks he would be crushed. And for what? He was so selfish he needed to protect his stupid bike that he made his friend lug around? And who was that kid? Why was he looking at this wannabe like he personally hung the moon in the sky?

“Uh yeah, you got a price range?” You asked finically regaining the ability to speak. You pushed back on the chair and tossed your phone on the counter. Moving swiftly to get out from behind it.

“Just give me the best you have. No one is taking Nick’s bike.”

You froze as your hand reached up to grab the Kryptonite Kryptolok from the top shelf. This was all for his friend? The kid was willing to lose $300 on a bike as well as blow $50 on a bike lock? All for his friend? He looked that concerned over the safety of a stupid bike, because his friend wanted it?

You blinked a few times and grabbed the lock. You tossed it to Nick who caught it. His expression never changed from the blank on his face, but he nodded to you. You took that to mean he was happy. You could feel the guy's eyes watching you from the counter. Never leaving your figure as you moved to grab the lock and now walking back. You cleared your throat and slid back behind the counter. Not looking him in the eyes.

You could tell how much this bike meant to Nick. Could see that this was the most important thing. You didn’t know anything about Nick, you sure as hell couldn’t drop $350 on a ride. The fact that his friend did it so easily, without any care, without any fucking hesitation made a blush start to creep up onto your cheeks.

“That’ll be $350. That all?” You said trying to recapture that hardass voice you had earlier. You looked down at the counter and fiddled with your phone that was lying there. You didn’t want to look at him. Didn’t want him to see what his actions did to you. He was glad to spend that much to make his friend happy and that made your heart stutter. He may look like an idiot in that ghetto getup, but his actions were something you couldn’t ignore. You bit the bullet finally and risked looking up at him.

He smiled this time. An actual smile. Not that stupid cocky grin or that dumbass smirk, a cute little smile. You shook your head to clear the word ‘cute’ from your mind. He slid the money he put down earlier across the counter and dropped another hundred on top.

“Keep the change beautiful.”

Him and his friend turned to go before you did the most embarrassing thing possible.

You called him back.

He froze and his black puffy jacket shifted as he turned to look back at you. That stupid smirk was back on his face and you hated that you thought it looked good on him. You took a leftover receipt off the counter, jotted your number on it, crumpled it into a ball, and tossed it at him.

“Text me sometime, tough guy.” You teased as he bent to pick up the paper ball. He laughed as he tossed it between his hands. He shoved the ball in his pocket, fiddled with his chain and smiled at you.

With a wink he pushed open the door and called back to you, “See you around beautiful.” And with that Nick, the kid, and him left your store and made their way out of sight.

It wasn’t until later when your phone buzzed in your pocket did the grin on your face finally ease up, if only a little.

Hey beautiful. The name’s Carl

we're doomed by the narrative quick let's fuck nasty to subvert it

MASTERLIST

All my shit is also on archive of our own if you vibe with that better

CARL GALLAGHER:

Hey Beautiful: in which Carl goes to buy Nick a bike and decideds this is the perfect time to make your life hell.

LIP GALLAGHER:

Whatever the Outcome (Complete):

1. Not Alone: in which Lip needs your help to convince Amanda to speak to the board regarding the picture she leaked of Helene, and you’re coming for blood.

2. Breaking the Glass: in which the hearing of Lip Gallagher and Professor Helene Runyon is today. You watch it all unfold, it seems, with your hands clasped tightly over your eyes.

HARRY STYLES:

A Drunk Video: in which you and Harry get absolutely wasted and make a decision to make a YouTube video. It was probably a bad decision.

PETER MAXIMOFF

How (On Hold):

1. Something Had Happened: in which you occupy a position in S.H.I.E.L.D. As the person in charge of hiding and rehubilitating superheroes, you never expected to be tasked with hiding someone from another reality.

2. Brown Eyes Unsure: in which Maximoff is a stranger to this reality. What were your options, and could he be trusted?

STILES STILINKSKI

The Poly Teen Wolf Rewrite No One Asked For or PTWRNOAF for short (please don’t call it that) PTWR? Idk just say Poly Teen Wolf and I’ll get it. ):

1. Bodies, Bites, and Bitches: in which you and your best friends prepare for sophomore year only for corpses, animal bites, new abilities, and a chilling red head keep your gang from having a normal first day.

besties aren't gonna like this one

bert and ernie go to ikea

if grug honest grug a bit of a faggot.