𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓕𝓻𝓾𝓲𝓽𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼 𝓔𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓪𝓿𝓸𝓾𝓻
𝟏𝟗𝟓𝟗.
𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓕𝓻𝓾𝓲𝓽𝓵𝓮𝓼𝓼 𝓔𝓷𝓭𝓮𝓪𝓿𝓸𝓾𝓻
𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎
Julia’s Diary
Today was wild.
So, I was doing my chem homework, organic chemistry (drawing all those silly hexagons) when I hear the doorbell.
“Julia, get the door please, I’m in the bathroom washing the clothes.”, Mimi ordered. I sigh.
“Fine.”, I ran downstairs to the door. Opening the door I see… Paul!
“What are you doing here?”, I ask him.
“Have I come at the wrong time? I wanted to surprise John, I had a great idea for a song.”
Well, he surprised him.
“You appeared so suddenly.”
“John does that to me so much.”, Paul remarked with a soft smile. I blushed.
“What’s that song like? I ask John about your songs, but he always wants to finish something to the end so I never get the feel of your process.”
“Johnny being secretive, of course.”, Paul giggled, “I have listened to Elvis recently and I decided to move his chords down on me guitar and I liked the melody… I wish I could show ya, but I forgot the dumb thing, not thinking. I just wanted to get to John’s as fast as possible.”
“The melody just dawns on ya?”, I asked him for fun… As John I never got to talk with Paul about this in a more formal way, “I know the feeling, I write poetry in my freetime, the text just appears before me. Don’t worry about the guitar. You could always play on John’s.”
Paul was staring at me.
“You’re right, Julia.”, he smiled wide, “And you write too? Maybe you could help us two with rhymes or somethin’?”
“No, I trust you two can get the job done.”, I wanted to disappear.
Paul frowned.
“Will you at least give me some advice? Or critique?”
I cackled, “Of course, you git!”
I mentally facepalm myself for this, because John usually says that.
Paul took it well. He entertained me with some more topics and I didn’t notice when Mimi put a hand on my shoulder.
“Oh, it’s your-young man himself, John’s little friend.”, it was the most effective save.
“Hello, Mrs. Smith.”, Paul politely greeted my aunt.
“I should go get John.”, I said.
I went to John’s room and saw his clothes on the heater. Wet.
“Okay.”, I thought, “Second solution; get bandages and some of my clothes that can pass as masculine. I feel sorry for John.“
And half of my masculine clothes were dirty and the other was wet like John’s clothes!
“Fucking hell.”, I swore.
It looked like I would be spending most of the day at home and without Paul. My thoughts were “God fucking damn it! I need to be more careful! I was reckless as John and Julia. I failed twice. And now I have to send Paul home.”
I go down the stairs with sadness. I somehow got myself together and told Paul, “Paul, John is not here currently.”
“What? He is always home at this time!”, Paul panicked because he liked when his plans go exactly how he imagined, “God. Mrs. Smith, do you know where John went?”
Mimi’s eyes widened.
“I don’t know… He didn’t tell me where he went.”
“Oh, he could be anywhere! I have to find him!”, Paul decided.
Why must he complicate things!
“Paul, he is fine really, trust me, I’m his twin!”, I told him.
“No, I have to check some places, and that fact makes me think you should go with me!”, Paul smiled.
“No, I’ll wait for him.”, I rejected his offer. But his offer couldn’t be rejected.
“Mrs. Smith, us two are going to search for him!”, he dragged me off.
“Paul, Paul, what do you think you’re doing?”, I asked him, while he didn’t slow down.
“I am taking another person with me to balance out my panic? Smart, huh!”
“Yeah, you’re smart but you’re mostly cute.”, I regret that compliment.
He turned his head toward me.
“John could be at the Cavern Club so we’ll go there first.”, he slowed down to a walking pace.
That’s when I knew this was going to be a long day. I wanted to escape that situation and tell Paul I’m John. But John would be compromised so… A long day was the better choice.
“Wait here, I ask them if John has appeared.”
I waited for Paul. Paul calmly asked for John and the owner answered he hadn’t seen any of the Beatles since the last gig they played. Paul was sad.
“John wasn’t here.”
“Of course, it’s day, it would make more sense if he’d gone to Cyn’s.”, I mumbled.
“Julia, you’re a genius!”, he took my hand in preparation to run like a madman again.
And that’s when I furiously blushed.
“Let’s go to Cynthia’s.”, he began running and made a hard stop, “Wait, I don’t know where Cynthia lives.”
“It’s lucky you got her best friend by your side.”, I told him, letting go of his hand and leading him.
“How does it feel to have your brother date your best friend?”, this question made me laugh inside but I decided to be serious and make up a story about jealousy.
“I dunno, I think he could be brash with you and I’m afraid it will affect Cyn.”, I answered.
“I think he is quite sweet with her!”, Paul stepping into John’s defence was cute as hell, “I know he could be violent and agressive, but he always defends Cynthia and honours her desicions, privacy and time. Though I admit, he is possessive. But Cynthia could be clingy and possessive too.”
“You can’t say that against her!”, I defended Cyn, “Cyn barely sees him because of your practices.”
“You have a point, but sticking around during that time could be distracting for Johnny.”
“Well, John making a mess in front of her parents could be distracting for Cyn.”
I made a reminder to write in here that I shouldn’t be that overreactive to Cyn because it makes her look bad, even though it solidifies our “relationship”.
We arrived at Cyn’s.
I rang the doorbell, and her highness, Cynthia Powell, or Lennon if we continue doing this forever, came out with her hair full of curlers.
“Jules! What is the occassion?”, she noticed me first, “I didn’t think we were going out today?”
“Hi, Cyn, have you perhaps seen John?”, I asked.
Cynthia began laughing because I just asked where I was.
“I wish I had… We haven’t gone out in a while…”
I gave Paul the look of “See?”
“Perhaps you could give us some more information where he could be?”, Paul asked with a scoff.
“He isn’t at Jules’ so… Because Paul’s here you checked the Tavern… You could check the record store!”
Paul lit up. Cyn did me a favour. At least I could see some new records.
“Bye, Cynthia!”, Paul dragged me again.
“Hey! Cyn, bye!”, I shouted for Cyn to hear me, “Why are you leading again!”
“Too slow.”, he said, “We were just fast walking! He could’ve got to the end of Liverpool by now!”
“Paul! Don’t worry your pretty head about it!”, I made a hard stop!
“Why’d ya stop!”
“John wouldn’t run anywhere. He’s lazy about stuff.”
“I’ll slow down then.”, he still held me by my hand, “But we are faster walking!”
I chuckled at his behaviour. I love him so much, my dear diary, I do.
“So, Cynthia calls you Jules?”
“Yeah… Almost all of my friends call me that. Even though my name isn’t shortened in anyway.”
“But it is cooler.”, god, my heart melted for that boy right then.
“Right on the mark, fella’”, my John was showing through.
We entered NEMS, a music store which began selling new records. I wanted to check it out for a while. Inside were two people, an older gentleman and a younger man who was becoming an intern I guess? The fresh intern went to the staff room. I was starry eyed! Records upon records upon more records! Paul felt like home too by his expression.
“John and I have to check it out together! I could even bring George here.”
“Yeah, I’d love to look at this too.”, I sighed.
“You can come with us!”, Paul looked into my eyes.
“I dunno.”
Paul used the “puppy dog eyes” on me.
“You think we aren’t cool enough? Or maybe that we’re boring! Or… small?”
I remembered I was two years older than him.
“You are a bunch of nerds, and I am, so deal.”, I made an unfulfillable promise.
He happily leads me to the counter to ask for John.
“Hi!”
“Hello.”, the older gentleman said.
“Um, have you seen about this high-”, he pointed to me, “boy with a quiff like me and similar outfit enter today?”
The older gentleman gently smiled.
“No. I’d remember a teddy boy if I saw one. My son, Brian, always points them out, today is the day he becomes the director, so you’ll see him more. It’s a shame he isn’t working at the cash register today, he is great with this new record craze.”
So, that younger man is his son.
“Oh congrats.”, I politely congratulate him.
“I hope you find your friend soon.”, he wished us luck.
“I hope too.”, Paul said, “And thank you, good luck to your son.”
Paul is always so polite. It was already lunchtime, and I think Paul is hungry. Paul and I would usually go for a snack right about now so I knew where Paul was heading. Our favourite restaurant spot wasn't far from NEMS. I wanted to curse Paul for pulling me everywhere, but I didn’t have time. Paul headed to our favourite waitress which John relentlessly teased. Paul was intelligent, of course he’d head for her!
“I didn’t spot any Lennon.”, she infeciously giggled, “Except his sister behind ya.”
Another fooled woman. Just how charming was my illusion?
Paul came close to me grabbing my hand.
“John’s not here, time to go.”
“Paul, you need to eat something!”, I said sternly, “You’re hungry!”
“No, I’m not!”, he was angry.
His stomach grumbled.
“Your digestive system says otherwise.”, I made a medical pun! A medical pun. So uncool.
Paul sighed, “Then we’ll grab some grub and continue searching. I hope John’s okay…”
He cares about me so much…
We sat on our… John’s and his favourite spot. Usually John would make some unnecessary puns at the waitress so I decided to do the absolute opposite.
“So, what’ll it be for you and Lennon?”, she was joking.
“I would like the usual.”
I would love to say the usual, but.
“I would like a burger, no fries, with a Coke. That’s it.”, I was straightforward with listing my favourite order.
“Siblings have similar taste.”, she chuckled and then she gasped.
“What?”, I panicked.
“Nothing nothing, just a funny little thought.”, she looked at Paul, “I mean you even share friends.”
“This is just pure coincidence, your Johnny went missing.”, I explained.
“He went missing!”
“Yes, why would I, his best friend, be asking if he was here?”
“Then we will hurry up with your orders, lovebirds.”, she’s done it.
“What?”, Paul was pink from embarrassment.
I facepalmed myself.
“At least our food will come faster without a prolonged battle of wits.”
“You really are something, Jules. Never seen a girl be this direct in my life.”
I raised my eyebrow.
“You haven’t met enough of us lad.”, I pat him on the head unconsciously.
I realized it when he said, “Haven’t had a good chance to talk with you.”
I quickly got my hand off, “Oh.”
“Usually I look at birds, I mean girls as people who like cute clothes, organizing themselves, having fun, following trends, wearing makeup, doing their hair… Geo would describe a typical girl as “Cynthia”.”
“George isn’t right. Cynthia is a great girlie, she loves art and enrolled into a great college and is doing gear.”
“Not in that right, but like… What I said before that. You are not like that. You are… A girl's girl, though, hum, you’re into records like John and dress more casually. You don’t draw attention.”
“Are you saying I’m not feminine enough?”, I got angry.
Paul got more pink.
“I-I jus-just think you being different is cool, because you-you aren’t interested in men, um, noticing you. You are just you.”, he calmed down. I didn’t see him mutter so much, except when he lied to Dot and when a cute girl approaches him.
“You are lying.”
He got pink.
“No. I mean it! Cross my heart. Which girl has such a cool nickname? Only you.”
My dreams came true, I could’ve died at that moment. I was red for sure.
“That’s enough. You need to hang out with more women.”
Our food arrived hot from the oven. We take it out.
“Bye!”, Paul and I say.
“When you find Johnny, tell him he shouldn’t disappear on you like that ever again!”
“I will teach him a lesson.”, I told her.
“Oh, Paulie, you should watch out! The stories are true! While Johnny is too intelligent for his own good, she is too intelligent for our good.”
I roll my eyes, while Paul laughed. I couldn’t help but smile.
“I know where we should go! You were right, this literally was food for thought!”
“Where?”
“Strawberry Fields!”, Paul took my hand and blushed…
“I won’t drag ya this time… Just keep up.”
“Alright, Paul.”, he led and I trailed behind him, quickly catching up.
Strawberry Fields was further than any spot we visited so far. Paul wasn’t up for a talk now, I could see by his focused face and huffing. He was really worried for John.
We arrived in record time for us two, just ten minutes of “faster walking”.
“JOHN!!!”, Paul shouted scaring people in the park, “Julia, you take the left side of the park and I’ll take the right, we’ll meet at the fountain okay?”
God, I will have to scream an imaginary person’s name to convince Paul and the others. This seems so fucking funny.
“John!”, I shouted everytime before entering another part of the park.
I asked around for myself. I wanted to die of embarassment and laughter everytime. I had to go to some bush to laugh it out. My search was of course fruitless and I gave up pretending and went to the bench. I got my worried face on. I had to act. Because this really was the last place I would think of going. Paul came with a deathly afraid face without hope.
“Where is John, where the hell is he?”, Paul loudly elaborated.
“I know he’s fine. I’m sure of it. He is home surely, we just didn’t have any luck to run into him-”
“HOW COULD YOU KNOW! YOU HAVEN’T HAD A REAL CONVERSATION WITH HIM FOR MONTHS, JULIA!”, Paul screamed, “WHO KNOWS WHERE HE COULD BE! MAYBE HE WAS SADDENED BY YOUR NONCHANLANT ACTING!”
Paul put his hands on his mouth. I sold the image about Julia and John’s relationship too well.
“Paul… I didn’t know he felt that way. I could be naggy and too logical sometimes…”
“We are emotional too! We’re not queer for being that way.”, Paul got upset real fast.
“Paul, Paul…”, I pat him on the shoulder. I made my angel upset. I did that. My lack of planning made this day awful. Paul felt insecure for being called queer.
“People call you that?”
“My eyes… My eyelashes to be exact.”, he pointed, “My "pigeon" chest. My dainty figure.”
“You are not dainty.”, I defended him, “You are a man like any other!”
“I don't think I'm like John.”, oh Paulie…
“He is so brave and strong. He can stand up to anyone… Don’t tell him, but I really think he’s my coolest and my biggest idol. He is George’s too.”
I’m an idol? I’m like Elvis already. Jokes on me.
“That’s why he is fine, Paul. I won’t tell him, I promise.”
You told him yourself Paul.
A small pause.
“You know.”
He looks into my eyes.
“He respects you a lot too. He told me last time we spoke. His words were “Macca can play so well he could best any Liverpool player.”. I trust him on that McCartney.”
“He even in private calls me Macca…”, his words wandered off, “I’m glad you told me.”
He hugged me. It was late afternoon.
“If you want, we can go to my house and check if John’s back? If not, we could ask aunt Mimi to make us some tea. John bought a tin of Digestives for when you and George come by.”
“That’s nice of him.”, Paul smiled, “I’m sorry for dragging you so suddenly… I was so drawn in by my best friend going missing that I didn't even want to listen to reason.”
“It’s alright. I should’ve gone with you and searched, you did the right thing. And I had fun. Though it was stressful. I have seen the new NEMS record selection and had time to talk with John’s little friend.”
Paul blushed profusely.
“Not so little aren’t I?”
I wanted to kiss him on the lips at that moment but I held myself together.
“Yeah. You aren’t. You're a big boy now.”
He looked at my chin.
“Yeah, yeah.”, he let me lead the way.
“What a gentleman.”, I chuckled.
“Only for a lady like you, Julia.”, he smiled sadly. His day did go to waste. John’s clothes are dry for sure so he will see his Johnny today. Now I was speeding up.
“Oi! Now, you are going too fast! Aren’t you tired?”
“Exactly why I am “faster walking”.”, I lied.
“I follow.”, he giggled.
“I love your smile, Paul.”, I regret that too.
“I love yours too, Julia, it’s beautiful. It suits you as it suits John.”
He called our smiles beautiful! Paul loves us! And respects us!
We ran and arrived at my house at sunset. I rang the doorbell.
Aunt Mimi didn’t get the door and we heard some shouting.
“JOHN WINSTON LENNON! YOU ARE GROUNDED! GOING TO STRAWBERRY FIELDS THEN COMING BACK DIRTY AS A PIG! AND TO THINK MY INNOCENT LITTLE NEPHEW WOULD DO THIS!”
Aunt Mimi was smart.
“Looks like we found Johnny.”, I sighed full of relief.
“You were correct about him being fine! Oh, Jules, you’re so cool!”
Wow, now that I write that down, I can’t believe that happened, but it did.
We heard some steps and aunt Mimi opened the door.
“No need to explain, auntie!”, I said.
“I’m glad you don’t cause so much stress, Jules.”, she patted me on the head, “My innocent little niece. Your poor little friend can sit down. John will come down, Julia will go and help him clean himself up.”
I hug her. I sent her a “thank you” look.
“Yes, auntie!”, I tried to go upstairs.
“Julia, I had fun!”, he said without reason. Maybe he knew I wouldn’t come down. So. I did the unthinkable.
“Me too, thank you for this day Paul.”, I hugged him and ran upstairs.
I knew my aunt was going to pester him about this.
I went to John’s room again and the clothes were dry. I got some already dirty towels and clothes on the floor. I put on my bandages, dressed up, fixed up my hair and put on makeup. And I was done! Great! Just great. I didn’t get to spend the whole day working with Paul! I haven't heard his idea yet! Maybe he lost it by now. Just because of mine and Julia’s poor planning.
I left my room and went downstairs just to be greeted with Paul’s hug.
“JOHN! YOU GIT!”, he squeezed me hard.
“I missed ya too lad.”, I said.
“YOU WENT OUT WITHOUT ANYONE KNOWING! YOU IMBECILE!”
“I went outside for a ciggy and inspiration, and everyone gets their knickers in a twist? Though outside meant some bushes in Strawberry Fields.”
“Where’s Jules? Can you ask her to come down with the guitar?”, he got pink again.
“You want her or the guitar?”, I joked.
“Um, I want both!”, he got defensive.
“You like my sister?”, I am a special kind of cunt.
“NO. I was wondering where she is…”
“She has become one with the bed, bloody tired from runnin’ after ya. Literally heard ya dragged her to find me, knight in shining armour.”
He blushed again.
“I apologized.”
“I know.”, I let off, “I’ll get the guitar. I hope Mimi isn’t too mad.”
“From what I’ve heard, she is.”
I get my guitar quickly. I’m back to see that Mimi is letting me hang out with Paul.
“I convinced her to let us work.”
“You are still grounded.”, Mimi stated.
“I’m not a kid anymore.”
“Until you’re 21, you are a child, John.”
I sighed. Thank you for looking out for me.
“I have this melody I have to show ya.”, that was the reason he came.
“Great. I have some text and melodies to show ya too.”
“We could combine them. Oh, do you know your sister writes poetry? It’s similar to you. Both of you start with text.”
“Oh… She didn’t tell me.”, I faked being disappointed.
“And she has some mannerisms like you, and she speaks her mind, and she has a good taste in music, her smile is similar and”
He paused for a second laughing.
He knows too much! Distraction, fast, distraction!
“You indeed like her.”, I spouted not thinking. Though this would be so nice if it were true.
“I wanted to say, that that makes you siblings for sure and shows how much time you spend together.”, Paul rolled his eyes, “Do you want me to get with your sister? You think people like your sister are my type?”
“They aren’t…”, I sighed, “I’m joking Macca. You know me.”
“It isn’t a very nice joke.”, he pouted.
“Oh, now jokes have to be nice?”, I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Jokes have to offend somebody otherwise they aren’t funny.”, a nugget of knowledge from John Winston Lennon.
“What’s next? It’s okay because the ends justify the means.”, Paul made a great joke worth a laugh.
We went to my room and sat on my bed discussing the melodies and text… We had a blast.
“You sure we aren’t too loud for Jules?”, he was worried.
“Oh, no… She sleeps like a log.”, I made up some new story on the spot.
He chuckles.
“I know now why you can’t stand each other!”, he thought to himself.
“Why Macca dear?”, I came closer.
He closed in, a hair away from my nose.
“Because you are too similar.”, he turned around, making me jump! God, I was being queer again! Stop!
“Yeah.”
Late night. Meaning Paulie has to go home.
“I must head out.”, he poshly elaborated.
“I’ll see ya to the door, Mr. McCartney.”
“You know, your aunt has been making eyes at my behaviour because your sister thanked me for a great day.”
“So, I’m not the only one. Mimi is a queen.”
“Mr. Lennon, you drive me crazy.”
“Crazy? I drive you mad huh?”, I played with the word.
Paul rolled his eyes.
“Wanted to say mad with love?”
“Mad with power! God, Paulie, you and your love stuff. And you have to stop setting yourself up for queer jokes.”, I ruffled his hair.
“Thanks Lenny, now I have less ruffling to do.”
“Always at your service, Macca.”
“See ya, Johnny.”
“Goodbye, Paulie.”
I closed the door and was relieved.
“Julia Victoria Lennon, I trust you won’t be going out as John for two weeks?”, Mimi was washing the dishes.
“I promise, Mimi, I’m so glad you exist. How did you know we were coming?”, I went to the kitchen.
“Oh, I was watching every couple of minutes to check if you are near. When I saw you in the distance, I began screaming a bit earlier and repeated the whole sequence in a circle.”
“Auntie, you are very smart and I promise you as your smart niece that I won’t get into this mess again.”
“John is still grounded!”, Mimi was difficult.
“That sucks!”
“Your little friend understands. He respects John and respects me, so he’ll wait out.”, she put down the sponge.
“And my gigs?”
“Go and cancel them.”, she looked me straight into the eyes.
“Not even the gigs?”
“Not even them. Learn your lesson.”
“I’ll help ya around the house, just don’t make it two weeks.”
“Maybe I’ll look over next week's gigs, but this week no.”
“Oh! Great. Good night, Mimi.”, I put the chairs in their places and went upstairs to tidy up my room. I got out of my outfit. Always a nice feeling when I get off of bandages, almost as good as when I get in them. I take off my makeup. I wash and dress fresh.
And now I’m here writing this down. What did I think of this day? Exactly what I wrote at the beginning plus…
I’m not letting myself make the same mistake ever again.
Rest of Sacrifame
More Posts from Winstonhenderson and Others
a long overdue hug for the Beatles (aka only way to get to Jules) - 𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎
My upload schedule sucks so I'm doing more drawings (yay, a chance to play with artstyles!)
This is a drawing of the short segment below from one of the parts of my fic "Sacrifame" which is called "Skipping Practice":
... “Let’s get packing then boys-” Ah, what are you doing, hey, no, we see each other every single day- You already hugged me today! “Oh, what is happening?” “Julia, we missed you so much!”, Geo no. “Can you be more active like today, please! Please!”, Ringo stop. “Julia…”, Paul finally decides to hug me, “my Julia…” “People, this is just for today. I’ll be sure not to mess up again, and I’ll come as John-” “No, don’t be away! Please! Don’t go to some place where we can’t reach you!”, what is this man, "Geo is right, we can’t reach John.”, Ritch is spilling bullshit- “We are exactly the same person.” “NO, YOU ARE NOT! John hates me!” “And you think I still love you?” Oh, Geo and Ritch didn’t know we had a fight. Fuck. “Lads. I promise I’ll be more active. Even as John, who has a big ego.” “Arrive on time please, that’s how I’ll see you care!” “Macca, I promise.” “Alright, Lenny.”, a bit too tight of a hug! We have to pack. Well, I’ll hug ‘em a bit more. ...
You can read it in full here.
If you want to read some other story within that fic just click here.
i'd love to but my money for disney plus is nonexistent
Anybody watching Beatles '64 with me right now? 💕🥳
"I slept with John A LOT."
Paul when he's asked a direct question
Forced to install Twitter, free to choose icon.
the right headspace for making an impact on music, just an amazing thing to say
“we didn't give a flying fuck”
— sir paul mccartney, 2024
𝟏𝟗𝟕𝟎.
𝓢𝓲𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓻𝓮 𝓒𝓸𝓷𝓭𝓸𝓵𝓮𝓷𝓬𝓮𝓼 𝓣𝓸 𝓛𝓮𝓷𝓷𝓸𝓷𝓸
𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎
Yoko Ono’s Workbook
20th June 1970.
We were in LA for the past week. Two months passed from the shitshow that was 10th April- no scratch that- the whole month for John and me. John kept running around Starr and Harrison trying to ease the wound McCartney had been pouring salt on for the past few months recording Abbey Road. McCartney and him got along well when I got with John, but things took a turn for the worse when John went with me on their practices. But who can blame him for asking! God, if I was stuck with McCartney because of a ten year contract I’d be bored too. McCartney is a genius for melodies, but he really behaves like a peasant. I cannot believe I liked him at first! I liked him more than I liked John, which is offputting.
Today, we went to San Francisco with our friends, the Wenners, for a showing of the thing that is… Well it is like this year's April, movie Let It Be.
John was not ecstatic and dragged me to the side while the Wenners were busy formulating the route.
“Can we not?”, John turned away his eyes, not something John does.
“We didn’t watch it the first time. You have to face it someday.”, I tried to convince him.
“But does that have to be… today?”, he shifted his composure from relaxed to stiff.
“Kinda does love.”, I chuckled, “By delaying, you are going against your image.”
“That your right, Yoko.”, he patted me with a sad glint in his eyes. Melancholy didn’t suit him in the slightest. John went to them and joyfully told them to lead the way, embracing denial.
John grabbed me under my arm and we followed the pair to the theatre. We avoided the crowd which were excited to see another Beatles movie. He saw their smiling faces and barely held himself together. Thankfully there weren’t many of them. We went inside and grabbed first row seats which John hated very much but there was a smaller chance of being seen from the front so he obliged.
“I always wanted to see how you practice-d.”, Jann Wenner said to John.
“Oh, nothing much, could’ve just asked me directly, not see everything through the rosy lensed glasses of the director.”, John smiled.
“Maybe the director is more objective.”, Jane Wenner assumed.
“We’ll see.”, I ended the conversation before John would get heated, stubborn and try to defend his point.
John, like always, understood I was diffusing the situation and did nothing else?
The film began and I’m reminded of the chaos, suffering and pain I went through with John. Everything came back. Though that movie had only the nicer parts, McCartney's treatment of my husband was getting on my nerves and making me want to break something in the vicinity. I understand Harrison, he is a very pampered talented child who, at one moment, realized he didn’t want to be treated like that forever and he spends the whole movie trying to prove himself. I understood why I was disliked by him, he had less time to talk with John to show him his achievements. And my behavior didn’t help. Starr isn’t like either of the three that were in the band, so he didn’t deem me a threat. He liked me less because I was causing Harrison and McCartney to lash out.
But why did McCartney dislike me so much? Doesn’t he have a lifelong friendship with my husband? He even brought his own wife, Linda, and that still wasn’t enough for him to stop making inappropriate comments about John and me. They all brought them, why would I make such a difference? John always bites, of course. He would always defend me, like he used to defend Powell before he left her. Both of the Lennon/McCartney famous duo were perfectionists, even though I didn’t know that at the time because of John’s image. McCartney went into overworking while my husband went into laziness and disinterest, which was pleasantly being jammed down my throat with images of McCartney arguing to work, while John strummed into nothingness.
During those painful rehearsals, John and McCartney would always go and have a short private talk from which both of them would return equally angry. John was always visibly angry and aggressive, while the other one was passive aggressive like the snake he is.
One of them came back to me with full force, one which I witnessed when they thought no one was around. I never wrote it down in full.
“Why do you keep bringing Yoko with you?”, McCartney and John were standing in the “private” room.
“I dunno. Same reason you brought Linda? To show the fuck off!”, John went mad.
“You would never show off a woman! You always say there is more to a girl's girl! So, tell me why, John?”, McCartney most of the time fluttered his eyes when trying to pry.
“You forgot who you’re fucking talking to Paul.”, John was defensive and boiling from anger while trying to control it.
“Snap out of it, Lennon! Where is the lovely John I knew during the fifties? Who gave a shit!”
“Stuck in Strawberry Fields, musty gel quiff, overheating and asphyxiating in his stupid teddy boy getup. He is dead for all I know.”, John looked him straight in the eyes.
“You are avoiding the goddamn question Lennon.”, McCartney returned the favor.
“But I answered it!”, John shrugged and smiled.
McCartney pinned my husband to the wall. Tension reaches its boiling point, Lennon staring him down, huffing from anger, McCartney being cold and strong with his laser focus on my husband's eyes.
“You know what the hell I’m talking about smartass!”
My husband creeped awfully close to McCartney’s face… McCartney took on a heat red color.
“Maybe if we didn’t work like slaves in this sweatshop… Maybe if Brian wasn’t dead and kept you in check… Maybe if you for once listened to my suggestions too, not wanting to… I dunno, ask a third party which I won’t mention here because they are close to your heart… Maybe I wouldn’t bring Yoko around as my stress ball.”, John trailed around the room looking McCartney in the eyes.
“Oh, poor Lennon, being stressed because of his own stupid mistakes! Having a clear solution given to him in 1968! Having a perfect chance to do something with his fucking life: to not be a burden on the third party he won’t mention out of pity for himself! No wonder I don’t ask you for anything anymore! You have taken everything away from me.”
McCartney was by this point bawling.
“Still spewing the same bullshit during those ten days. For me it was becoming more clear I had to continue.”
“And I’m using that too, I truly am trying to work with you. I am trying, John.”, McCartney tried to pull himself together to no avail.
“Without you, Paul, without you… It’s clear now.”
He caressed McCartney’s face in a brotherly way.
“John… You’ll see that I’ll leave first.”
“I know. I know that well.”, my husband let out a tear, “You have to get yourself together, Paul, we have more stuff to shoot and rehearse…”
“You don’t need to remind me, John, you really don’t, I know that much better than you.”, McCartney rested his head on my husband’s shoulder.
They stared into the abyss that was the window. I went back to the main room forgetting what I was doing. They didn’t come back for the next fifteen minutes.
The same thousand yard stare was present in John watching what felt like a painstakingly long movie. When it was time for the concert his eyes were full of tears. He loved that concert even if it was huddled in the lowest point of his mental health. He was joyful, he was hopeful, he forgot what it felt to play live. McCartney singing made us both tear up… The songs he played were one of a kind and I’ll always respect him for that. John knew that none of the other members went to see the movie. His glasses glistened with tears. My hair got in my eyes. I wanted to hide. I was glad we were out of the toxic hands of McCartney’s overwork schedule yet looking back... He left for nothing. He left and didn’t feel proud. He left and made an album at his house, not even a studio...
John was hiding behind his hair too. He was reaching out for McCartney’s face. He was weeping, he was splitting. The movie was over and we didn’t wait any longer to get the hell out of the theatre.
Jann and Jane were sad and shocked. They saw us cry for the first time. But they did not know what sight awaited us.
John was brushing his tears constantly trying to stop crying, not succeeding. Again and again he would dry his tears, but his face would be wet. His eyes were red, his movement stiff, his face filled with worry and regret, his mind going to some other place.
“I’m sorry.”, Jann said, “We shouldn’t have brought you to the cinema… I feel so guilty.”
“No… It’s fine.”, John tried to play it cool, but his red and tearstained face said more than his words.
“It’s a great loss to music…”, Jane muttered, “I see that you think that too.”
“John really needs to spend some time away from them.”, I sniffled, “Some time. I did not want to make you breakup… It was your band, remember?”
I looked him in the eyes.
“I know, Yoko, I know.”, he kisses me on the lips. His lips were salty and warm.
We found a lonely bench somewhere in a city park and huddled in a foursome. Staring into the starry sky.
“You know, Paul and I used to stare into the sky together… We even had a star.”
“What star?”, Jann asked.
“It’s a secret, love.”, John smiled into the darkness.
“He told me that too, so you aren’t missing much.”, I joked.
John was in awe of the sky this night. Running away again.
“We passed the audition, but gave up.”, John referenced his joke.
John became absent, which was rare when I was around. Me and the pair talked while he hummed something. Only one part of him knew how to put me on hold and that was… Someone I didn’t see for a good while. Someone I kind of miss when John begins to malfunction. John struggled out of the group after a while when he calmed down.
“Thank you, that helped.”, he told our friends, “Should we head back to the hotel?”
“We should.”, Jann agreed, “And sincere condolences for the movie.”
“No condolences needed, love.”, John smiled feeling sad for all of us.
We headed back to the car, the pair leading the way, leaving John and me a bit behind.
“John is a fast walker so what is happening?”, I asked myself, “Could it be?”
“Yoko. I need to be serious for a moment.”
This isn’t John serious, John serious doesn’t mean getting awfully quiet and slow.
“Okay, what do you want to tell me, John?”
“I…”, he took me by the hand, “You know when Paul and I fought and he mentioned ‘68?”
“You told me that in 1968. Paul and you had a fight about Julia.”
John gulped.
“See, the reason why Paul was so, um, adamant about Julia was…”
“He liked Julia. That was reason! That was fucking reason for hell we went through!”, I thought.
“He loved her.”
“I cannot believe that man! You made your choice, John, why did he force that on you so much!”
John stopped me from ranting further.
“I’m not finished, Yoko.”
My heart skipped.
“I…”
“Oh god, please no. Love songs upon love songs… All written for… Were all of them written for…”, my mind got more and more occupied with bad thoughts.
“You loved him.”
“loved him for a while.”, he finished at the same time I said my conclusion.
“And when did you want to tell me this? Never! You! I accept you! I love you! And you betray me! Why, John, why?”
“I love you too!”, he hugged me, “I do. I had to tell you now. I couldn’t tell you when the Beatles were together, because of Paul! And I couldn’t get to tell you during April and May. I was depressed! You couldn’t see that!”
“I see that! I see! I feel! I am human too! I am wife! I make everything good for you! I try! I try my hardest to make John happy!”, I was losing my speech, I was losing my marbles, I was crying.
“You’re right…”
“Are you leaving me for that pushover! That no good McCartney! Are you leaving me! Are you?”
“No.”, he bit his lip and sorrowfully caressed my face like he did Paul’s, “I cannot ruin your life too. I ruined Cyn and Julian’s. I’m not ruining yours and mine.”
“Julia… You would leave… I know you would… You’re just lying!”, I screamed at her.
Julia, or the “real” part of John would always look at me neutral instead of lovey dovey like him. Although she is always welcome, I liked John a bit more. She never seemed to mind that.
“No, I am keeping him with you.”, she chuckled, “You’re silly, Yoko.”
She twirled my hair with her iconic melancholic look.
“I am not silly! I am serious.”
“I am not leaving, you are crucial to John’s survival.”, Julia laughed, “And I am serious. Just in a John way.”
“You're confusing.”, I started to calm down, “Great to see you still exist, Julia.”
“We are close hip to hip, but great to see you too, Yoko. Jules is fine also.”
Got a point there.
“You were in denial for so long I didn’t see you that much.”
“John would be very very sad if I showed meself.”
“We can be sad together.”, I offered.
“Now that both John and I are sad, it means that I can sort some things out… John is so unbreakable I sometimes forget he needs to act like a human.”
“He is… He is…”, I sniffled, “He is not some kind of idea. I wouldn’t marry him and be stuck with you too…”
“We are the same person are we not?”, she was being a smartass.
I was silent; were they really?
“Speechless huh?”, she smiled more.
“John was in denial, while you were fully aware of the feelings you felt”, I made a theory, “Before this year I used to see you a lot more… I mean, I know how you work Julia, I know when you become John and vice versa, but I never saw John switch for the past half a year.”
“Become? What… I was just… Being myself.”, she was thinking out loud, “Um, Yoko, I dunno, maybe it was my defense mechanism to remain like John for months on end.”
“I adore John. I do. But… He needs to relax. He needs to cry, and you are not letting him do that. Let him be vulnerable when he needs to! When he was today, because of his buildup, he couldn’t help wiping off his tears, in the meantime ruining your precious hard work or makeup. Imagine if our friends saw you, thankfully for you it's dark. You were lucky.”
“More like having the luck of the Irish.”, that response made me jab her softly on the shoulder.
She played with my hair… We continued walking.
“You plan to stay like this?”, I asked.
“I do. I am tired of being John Lennon for half a year.”
She held my hand close to her. That was the quality of my partner, even though it looked like John on the outside it would be obvious to me by the mannerisms that it was Julia, an overly sensitive, talkative, sarcastic and lovable woman.
The pair arrived at the car and they showed us to go faster.
“Couldn’t you have picked a better moment, Lennon?”
“That was the best moment to tell you, I wouldn’t have told you otherwise.”
“Maybe it sounds to you like normal talk…”
I ruffled her hair.
“At least you told me.”, I was thankful.
We went inside the car. The lights were dim and I fell asleep immediately. Julia’s lap was a very comfortable spot to lie on. I always wondered if she wanted to be a man from the beginning… I mean, who in their right mind would, if they were rejected from many bands run by men, conclude pretending to be a man to form a band is better than just waiting for the women to show interest? Was he the physical image for an escape from reality? She is a perfectionist in the same way as my husband but more… Stubborn. McCartney and even John could ask for help, but Julia… Julia would never let anyone tamper with her ideas and ideals, especially John (even though I consider him his own thing). Except me. Privilege carries between them… Though I wonder, does love count too?
I wake up to find Julia bent over waving a hand in front of me.
“Wakey wakey, wifey. We have arrived.”, the whole car chuckled.
“John, you are a pleasure.”, Jane commented.
“See you then tomorrow, we have so much to show you.”, Jann said.
“See ya.”, Julia went outside, opening the door for me.
“Ladies first.”, she giggled.
“You are all smiley.”, I added.
We went inside the hotel, Julia for the first time in forever, undressing after me. Usually she would go when I wasn’t looking so it felt like John was always there lurking, even in bed. I felt great but I felt like he was trapped. She relaxed in a chair.
“Why do you let me influence you?”, I questioned, my curiosity piqued.
“Scared I’ll disappear too early?”, she asked.
“Answer with an answer, Lennon.”
“Hm, I like that you can keep John safe and sterile.”, she admitted.
I was shocked by her statement! But that was Julia, Julia was always so out of the box.
“You don’t think I’m breaking any molds? I want to do the opposite!”, I was uncomfortable.
“No, no, your work is great, just John needs an anchor and you fit the description. Also, safe and sterile doesn’t mean not socially active, just not as impulsive as most of the times during Beatles.”
“You’re impulsive? But you seem so calm and collected?”
“I am… Everything is based on a hunch. That’s how I write.”, she explained, “I had a hunch that Beatles were going to break up because of me, I had a hunch you would keep John on the right track, I had a hunch that Cyn will be better off without John and I had a hunch I had to continue pretending I was John all those years ago. Gosh, for how long now… Thirteen years. Wow.”, she stopped, “I’m old.”
I laughed, “No, you’re just right. And if you are, then what am I? A grandma?”
“Always liked older women-”
“Oh, stop it!”, I pinch her cheek half seriously.
“Exactly why you can tend to Johnny boy. You’re not afraid of pushing the limit. I love that about ya.”
I blushed without realizing then. I realized moments later when I began stumbling over my words.
“Um, thank you- for noticing. Only normal for me.”
We were quiet for a moment, while Julia grabbed a book to read.
“What did you think of me when I met John… When we first met…”
“I thought you were a great gal doing her own thing and surviving in a man’s world.”, she gazed into my eyes, “Also that you are a very capable and funny person.”
I was proud.
“What did you think of me, darling?”, she asked me.
“I thought you were the wrong Beatle. I wanted to meet McCartney, instead I ended up with you of all people. Then, I didn’t know about Julia so I thought you were more than you show and was I ever so right.”
“Tsk, tsk, I am always the right Beatle.”, she scoffed like she hadn’t heard my answer a hundred times, “I asked for plain me.”
I remembered the moment when John told me about Julia.
“I told you then… You revealing your photos, your clothes, your books, your feelings made me conclude that being with John was going to be more interesting. Your presentation is always so grand.”
“Thank you, oh Yoko.”, she told me.
Another small pause. She got her pair of cat-eye glasses and began reading. I stopped her with a serious question:
“Were McCartney and you ever together?”
She closed the book and plainly said,
“Yes.”
“How long?”
“Seven years.”
My mouth dropped. McCartney and Lennon were together even though Lennon was married.
“Wait, wait, Julia, how were you two together when John was married to Cynthia? You are a cheater!”
Julia was heartbroken.
“I realized that a bit too late. For the public it was two different people so it didn’t matter but… It was so fucked up. Exactly why I ruined Cyn’s life. She even knew it and let me do it. Because she had John.”
“Julia. I am now dead serious. Are you going to do that to me?”
Julia’s usual poker face disappeared.
“I don’t love him anymore. I got over him.”, Julia was depressed.
I embraced her.
“Look, if you are still bummed about him and his plans, you can always write about that alright… Your venting to me about Paul has gained a new quality to it.”, I sighed.
Julia was always so complicated underneath her songs. I have to admit she is the one in control whenever John is writing.
“I have to get meself together…”, she said under her breath.
“I’ll help you.”, I caressed her face.
“You help enough by just being there.”, she gave me a weak smile.
I sat in her lap. She was comfortable with that.
“You never told me more about yourself, only stuff I’ve seen.”
“You know John well, so you- I’ll stop using this joke.”
She put away the book.
“Ask away.”, she stared at my figure.
“What was the relationship between you and Powell?”
“Us two are best friends.”, she smiled, “She had a soft spot for John so we had an idea to pretend we’re together when I’m him.”
“You mean she liked him.”
“Yeah.”
“So she knew everything you did?”
“John and her were together for so long. Of course she knew.”, she was direct and that hurt. I was… Jealous?
She found that amusing.
“Oh.”, I continued, “Did you sleep with any other women as John?”
Her eyes widened with suppressed laughter.
“I had to because I needed to uphold his image. But I didn’t like any of ‘em. I like men more.”, she collected herself, “Don’t worry, John is just yours. And I’ll tell you if he sleeps with anyone like I told-”
“Powell, who is your best friend still!”, I pouted.
“But who is with John?”
“I am.”
She booped my nose. It was obvious she valued me the same as she valued Powell.
“Did John like McCartney too?”
“Hm… In a small part.”, Julia told me, “I was the one doing the liking mostly.”
My jealousy was worsening.
“Paul was jealous of us for a long time, maybe he still is. Since I broke up with him, left Cyn and got with you, he was unbearable.”
So McCartney was jealous. He didn’t dislike me because of my character, but because I was with Julia all the time. Well, that is so-
I bursted into laughter.
“And he’ll never admit that, that bastard.”, she clucked.
“Guessing he’ll blame everything on me.”
“No, he’ll blame everything on John. Then on you.”, she proposed.
We both laughed.
“Julia, did you ever wish to be just John?”, I asked.
She raised her eyebrow.
“I wouldn't be able to wear me dresses then. And that would suck. Why ask that?”, she looked me up and down.
“Why would you spend so much time as John then?”
She was dumbfounded. It looked like she never asked herself that question.
“Huh… That’s a good question to mull over.”
She put a hand on her chin and looked into the window behind us. She was thinking over everything. She hugged herself with one hand while holding me with the other.
“It would certainly be easier…”, she barely uttered, “Everything would be simpler…”
She glanced into my lips.
“I would be able to be an ideal in full.”, she pressed her lips onto mine.
I succumbed to them. Those tearstained lips felt chapped and rough like John’s. She stopped and charmingly remarked,
“But life is not like that is it?”
I infectiously grinned. She was beaming.
“We should spend more time like this.”, I suggested, “I never get to spend time with happy Julia. Only serious Julia, only Julia that has to deal with John’s problems.”
“Then grab some poetry and let's read together.”, Julia put her book on the bed.
I went to our bookshelf and grabbed some of Oscar Wilde’s poetry. Lennon always had books.
“Oh, good choice.”, she noticed my choice.
I sat on her lap again, making myself comfortable.
“If you’re now comfortable, choose a poem.”, she opened the page with the names of poems.
“Hm, let’s just start from the beginning and read from there.”, I played with her hair.
“Alright, Yoko.”, she passed a few pages to the first poem, “Ravenna.”
She began reading. Her voice flowed differently than John’s, much more silky and relaxed. She was mesmerizing and showed she cared about making the poem interesting the story beautiful and exciting.
“And England, too, shall glory in her son,
Her warrior-poet, first in song and fight.
No longer now shall Slander's venomed spite
Crawl like a snake across his perfect name,
Or mar the lordly scutcheon of his fame.”
This verse stuck with me…
She began yawning after ten poems. It was already early morning.
“Looks like the warrior poet lost her stamina.”
“I’m no warrior, maybe a bad poet.”, she hugged me, “We should sleep.”
I went and jumped onto my half. She lied down onto hers.
“Good night, Jules.”, I said her nickname for the first time.
“Good night, raven head. Sweet dreams.”
“When will be the next time?”
“Whenever you want.”
I kissed her.
“Then tomorrow.”
“I thought you’d miss John.”
“We’re helping him.”, I snuggled into her chest.
She was a bit uncomfortable.
“Relax. I’m your wife remember?”
She snorted.
“Yoko, you’re silly.”, she snuggled me further.
We fell asleep like that. Writing this now, I have a plan. I need to get Julia to let down her walls so John could be more truthful to me… He needs to heal. And knowing her and fixing her is the only way. I wonder where Jules would like to go out the most, maybe she made a plan already…
Rest of Sacrifame
oh god no🫠
This is so me
No wonder he was called "the cute one"
hello! would you mind explaining the "it'll be fine" pic? don't think I've seen it!! thanks!
Hi anon - I assume you mean in reference to these tags?
It’s from their 1966 interview at London Airport - after Manila, and before going to America. John gets asked about his ‘religious controversy’ and couldn’t look more uncomfortable, until Paul pops up with his trademark optimism and John instantly relaxes…
(the lip bite!)
Every time I write Paul saying ‘it’ll be fine’ in a fic, this is what I’m picturing, by the way
(reader, it was not fine)
And if you enjoyed this, check out You Didn’t Run by @adriennefrombrooklyn
Understandable have a great day.
get back:
goddamn they are so cute🥺
I wanted to invoke the feeling this song brings and I hope I achieved that
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"The imaginary quantities are “shall” and “will.” The product is called morals and leaves no doubt of its reality." - Spring's Awakening, Frank Wedekind (the account of a theatre and Beatle obsessed 19 year old)
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