𝓐𝓲𝓷’𝓽 𝓢𝓱𝓮 𝓢𝔀𝓮𝓮𝓽?

𝟏𝟗𝟓𝟖.

𝓐𝓲𝓷’𝓽 𝓢𝓱𝓮 𝓢𝔀𝓮𝓮𝓽?

𝙎𝘼𝘾𝙍𝙄𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙀 𝙎𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙎

Notes of Cynthia Powell

A year ago I went to the Tavern as an adventure. I knew Julia let steam off in that way and hoped that this would have the same effect. I was about to enroll into college, which was a struggle on its own. Jules helped me convince my parents to try to finish art college. Julia always tells me that I am brave for doing that and that she is proud of me… Well, on the stage there was a new small band from Liverpool that was performing. I knew the band from people’s stories; they were practically the city’s little rascals. Best on drums, Sutcliffe on bass, Harrison on solo guitar, McCartney and Lennon on guitar. Julia’s twin was the leader, and that bloke was handsome. 

“And this one goes out to Ms. Prim in the back. Nice vermouth you got there!”, he noticed me.

It was love at first sight I thought. 

They sang “Ain’t She Sweet” and it was surprisingly a great cover. He has a shrill voice that suits this kind of rock. Fun movements. He is baaad, and really looks like a teddy boy. But what do I say, opposites attract. They played a bunch of songs and got ready to leave.

Some drunkards remained while the rest of my peers went home. This was my first time going alone to the Tavern, usually Julia would involuntarily pull me here. I wondered why she never wanted to bring me to the Silver Beatles’ practices?

The other members noticed I was left alone. They looked like they were picking on John. John was more than embarrassed, am I that…

He looked at me very softly. I assured myself and drummed up the courage to ask:

“Do you need any help with that?”

The others were suddenly too busy to answer, except that Paul looked at me with some kind of jealousy? I waved off that feeling.

“Not really.”, John began, “Let men do all the hard work, mon cherie, and go get some sleep. You got to look your best.”

He didn’t think I wasn’t good looking.

“You sure?”, I asked, fluttering my eyelashes.

John got a bit defensive all of a sudden, backing away.

“I’m sure…”

“Maybe he doesn’t like me afterall.”, I thought.

“But the way you could help is by coming by during our next gig here… I’ll find a way to let you know!”, he excitedly grabbed me by the hand.

I blushed. He let go just as quickly.

“Um, alright then!”, I chuckled.

“Yeah.”, he softened, “See you then, Ms. Prim.”

“Goodbye.”

He always liked preppy girls… Maybe that’s why earlier he and Jules got along so well, as Jules told me. Before they were split by their parents for some time…

The next day I saw him and he lightened up immediately. 

“Cyn-thia, or I mean Ms. Prim!”, he said, “I have found out the time for the gig, and it’s drumroll please, at 9pm at the Tavern. Don’t you dare miss it!”.

“Oh, you know my name? And I won’t.”, I chuckled.

“Of course, I’ve heard Jules call ya that.”, John elaborated, twitching. God, he wasn’t private at all.

“I’ll be sure to bring her by next time!”, I promised.

He lit up, “That would be nice.”

“Bye then!”, I smirked.

“Farewell, missy.”, he left saluting me on the way. 

I went to that gig and every next one I could catch. Sometimes I had a feeling he would look for me in the audience. I always felt kind of special in a way.

That’s when I realized I began to harbor feelings for that silly lad. He was brash and rude. I was blushing whenever he passed by, whenever he glanced at me. College was great, but it became even better when I saw him in the halls. He always borrowed his art equipment from others. Sometimes from me. I think it was obvious to everyone that I had a soft spot for John even Aunt Mimi. She looked at me with protective eyes, though I couldn’t understand why. She was always nice to me when I hung out with Julia… Why be so overprotective? So, yeah, everyone seemed to get the picture, except Jules. 

I was always anxious to talk about John with Jules, because they were a complicated pair of siblings. They were never seen together. The only one that ever saw them like that was their family. They would always be in a fight everytime I visited and Jules would always be angry at him for making another mess. At first I agreed with her but now, I started to think his little escapades weren’t that bad. I never brought up John as a topic. I was scared of what would happen. But what I didn’t expect was for her to bring up John a month after I had fallen for him.

“Um… John talked to me about um… Seeing you in his college… ”, she began, “And inviting you to his gigs…”

She was nervous and was twitching in the exact same way her twin would.

“Yes, and what? He has been nice, don't worry too much Jules!”

She got serious.

“He was nice? Well that’s refreshing. Or are you blinded by something else, Cyn?”

I got red.

“I know what you mean and I have to admit, however embarrassing this may be, I like your brother!”

Julia was absolutely furious.

“Jules, I’m sorry, but you of all people would understand why! He is stubborn, he is funny, he is amazingly creative and brave!”

Julia raised her eyebrow.

“He… He is dangerous. I don’t want you near him. End of story. I got too… Too careless… You got too close! He’ll break you! Like every girl he broke before you!”

“He had no girls, I asked his friends.”

Jules fixed her posture.

“I cannot fathom his stupidity! He lied to me! Why would you want to be with a liar!”

“So, what? You lie all the time! You lied to yourself that you wanted to finish medical school, but you wanted music all along!”

Julia got mad.

“I am NOT like my mother and brother. And never will be. I play my role. And you should play yours.”

Jules at that time didn’t even sound like herself.

“You should be happy you got into the thing you love. Life is unfair. Life is cruel. Life has its rules.”

“Jules. What are you talking about! You always want to come out of your shell! You helped me so much…”

“Go. Go and fucking pursue that fool.”

“I’m sorry, Julia.”

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you, Cynthia. He has a lot to hide.”

I exited her room and she snapped out of her delusion for a second, unsure of what to do.

“Cyn, I’m… Just… Think about it… Don’t get too close… You’ll get burned.”

“Julia…”, I looked at her and she was sobbing.

“Go… I need to be alone… I need to think of how to… How to…”

“Okay…”

Did she despise her brother that much? I was afraid. She was my closest friend and mostly right when she felt something was off. So… I tried to stay away. John was from then on, whenever I saw him, visibly mad for some reason. Maybe he found out about Julia’s whole ordeal. I noticed that he flirted with other girls too. I noticed he didn’t really look at women that much at all, more focused on keeping the band together than getting the girls. I noticed he got violent after a couple of drinks. That’s what she meant by mean and dangerous. But he was also overly kind to his bandmates. He was generous and hardworking, which was funny to say about John, because he had a nasty reputation. Though he was mad, for some reason, when he saw that I wasn’t looking, he would mutter something.

I decided to read his lips one of those times.

“It’s for the best.”

Why? Did he think the same as Julia? Did he hate himself as much as Julia hated him?

His hollow eyes would then shift to someone else and light up. He… Valued me. Was he mad at himself?

After three months of liking him and one hangout with Julia I decided to tell him everything. He was drunk after one of his gigs I came to uninvited. His band was packing but he decided to stay.

“Augh, could this day get any worse?”, he talked to the room.

“Um. Maybe it could get better?”, I joked.

“Cynthia… Ms. Prim. Haven’t seen ya in a while!”, he shrugged, tired and sloshed.

“You look absolutely hammered.”

“Thank you.”, he improptly bowed.

I had to chuckle.

“I’m sorry, Cyn… I’m sorry that…”, he took my hand again.

“Why are you sorry?”, I was confused.

He kissed it.

“This is a kiss of apology. Now tell me. Is anyone here?”

I looked around. “No.”

It looked like his mind was fighting. He was beating himself up because of something. So I used the chance to tell him.

“John… Listen, I know you are impulsive and sometimes even violent but I love you nontheless. I liked you for some time now.”

“I know!”

“So you were planning to reject me. That’s why you have avoided me.”

“Yeah. That’s the only thing. Nothing beside that.”

“Well, if you wanted to reject me, why not do it earlier?”

“Because… I dunno.”

“Why then give me such attention?”

“Because I wanted to be friends with ya, you prissy bird!”

I blushed.

“That would ruin everything. And maybe I should’ve told you. I couldn’t stay away. And I planned to because as John I should stay away from Julia’s friends so they-”

“Julia is behind this! Of course!”

“No, I didn’t mean it in that way-”

“Why does she hate you so much!”

John looked like he wanted to tell me something so badly but he couldn’t. His brain was telling him to shut up, but his emotions were overflowing.

“Cyn, stop.”

“Why does she always belittle you so much? Why is she jealous of you? Why do you hate yourself because of her?”

“Cyn, stop this nonsense. She doesn’t hate me. She can’t hate me that much. She can’t hate…”

He looked at his arms and chuckled.

“Cyn, hug me, please, I’m dying for hugs.”

His tone of speaking completely changed. I hugged him. I couldn’t help but feel close to him.

“Cyn… I’m sorry but I can’t ever love you back. Legally.”, he smirked, “I didn’t want to break your heart. I wanted to be friends with you as John as well without you knowing a thing.”

He booped my nose. Is he too drunk for this?

“Could you accompany me back home please, it’s been such a long night…”, he asked, “As my final request.”

“Are you going to kill yourself!”, I got scared.

“No, you git, I have to tell you something private.”, he chuckled.

“Alright.”

He couldn’t walk straight so I carried him to his house.

“Imagine John Lennon being carried by Ms. Prim to his house. A man that cannot help himself… Haha, pathetic excuse for one.”

“Don’t be like that, and why are you laughing so much!”

John got serious.

“Yeah I shouldn’t.”

“Of course!”

I dropped him off at his room, his messy bedroom with records all over the floor, but he said,

“This is the guest room. This is not my room!”

“What are you saying, John?”, I chuckled.

“Because, my room is… The one on the far left.”

“Your room is… Julia’s?”

“Yeah, mine!”

“And this one?”

“No one sleeps in here.”

He booped my nose once again.

I dropped him, confused.

“Alright, I’ll lead you to it if you are so lost!”

“God.”, I sighed. Julia, I’m not even feeling sorry that your room is about to be wrecked by a drunkard.

“Bed. I missed you. End this fucking nightmare.”, he rolled in the bed, leaving… Makeup stains?

“You wear… Makeup?”

John smiled.

“And what is wrong with that? I wear clothes too.”

“You classify it as…”

“Oh. Oh, she still hasn't… Cynthia. Do I need to get undressed for you to connect the dots?”

John what? HE NEEDS TO WHAT!

“I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING REJECTED HERE! NOT FUCKED TONIGHT!”

John facepalmed himself.

“Should’ve seen that one coming. NO! Cynthia, I am not inviting you to a bang session”, he felt proud of that joke, “but to help you figure out why Julia absolutely dislikes me.”

I was even more confused.

“So. Help me undress.”, he ordered, “The top first.”

“The top first.”, I helped him get the top off. Instead of a nude male torso I was met with nicely tied bandages.

“And what do you see?”

“Does she hit you?”

He bursted into laughter! The insolence!

“No, Cyn.”, he chuckled, “Let down the hair next.”

“Okay… Hair.”, I tried to get his quiff off. It was hard but I managed to untangle it. The amount of hair he had was unreal for a male. It was quite fluffy.

“John, you have such nice hair…”, I brushed it and found a set of bangs quite musty from all of the gel he used.

“You have bangs? I thought you didn’t…”, that was weird. He always told everyone he had a middle part. Not bangs.

“Well. Do you now understand?”

“She is jealous of your hair and she beats you up?”

“NO!”, he turned around, “She is…”, he twitched.

I fixed his bangs and I didn’t want to admit it.

“I guess the pants are next.”, I took them off and… No.

“John. No. I am too drunk. This is not happening.”

“Cyn. I’m sorry.”

“Jules?”

HE, no SHE weakly chuckled.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you the moment I noticed!”

“God, why must you make me suffer!”

“And this was the worst way to inform someone. Never doing that again.”

“Julia! I don’t know if I should be angry, or sad or happy! You are doing what you like the most! But you are not doing it as you!” 

“Cyn… I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know what to think.”

“Yeah, so I didn’t want to hurt you.”, Jules explained, “The point is John and I are the same person. You should find someone else to like.”

“Alright!”

“And keep this a secret, okay!”

“Okay!”, we agreed.

My biggest crush was my best friend all along! Just great! And she put me through this! But, I still couldn’t help myself from fawning over John. John as an idea was everything to me, and I expected to find him in every man I tried to like. It failed. Julia meanwhile shared with me some problems John had. She didn’t seem to hate him as much as she once told me. Maybe it was to keep up the lie.

John’s friends, as time passed on, all got themselves a bird. And that leads us to this year. I could hear them hush about them and try to pry John off by admitting he had one or trying to get John with someone. John would either make an absolute scene when he was set up or would politely reject the girl. It was truly based on how well Julia knew the girl. And every rejection was well deserved. I got jealous…

“What about Ms. Prim, John? You seemed to like her?”

John or, um, Jules blushed.

“No… She was just a friend.”

“Looks like we found her.”, Pete chuckled.

“Best. Shut up.”

He got quiet.

“Ms. Prim is prissy.”

“More like you are too prissy to make up your mind!”, Paul chuckled.

“Says the biggest princess.”, and that’s when I noticed John blush faintly and remembered.

Julia liked Paul. That means. John liked Paul. Does Paul know? Is that why he got jealous or…

I snuck away, and John noticed.

“Oh, running after the princess I see?”, Stu said.

“Prick.”

“Leave some room for us, Lennon.”

“You are a baby, Harrison, no birdies for you.”

Jules ran after me catching up.

“Are you fine?”, she asked.

“You still like Paul? Does he know?”

She got fired up.

“He and the lads ESPECIALLY can’t know! It’s hard enough that they are begging me to get a girl! How do I even explain to them that I don't like birds? I don’t.”

“Why don’t you tell them you like me? I’ll be your alibi.”

“You are a genius, Cyn!”, she grabbed me by my shoulders, “It will work! I respect you and that’s why it will be believable.”

I couldn’t help but blush.

“Jules… I wonder, what would it be like kissing a girl? And have you ever kissed one as John?”

She flushed a bright pink.

“No- How could you even- Of course you’d go there! Cynthiaaaa!”

I chuckled at her whining, that was Julia in there. She smiled like she thought of the most clever move.

“And for the first question, I don’t know? How about we change that?”

Fuck, I should do something, but I’m really curious. We are close friends. Nothing to worry about.

She pressed her lips on mine. Oh, hell yeah. And just pecked them.

“Answered your question?”

I was dumbfounded.

“Oh, fuck, oh, shit I went too far- But got ya back!”

Heh.

“Don’t get too cocky, Lennon.”

“Well, am I not John Lennon? I am the cockiest.”

“You are not.”, I tapped her on the shoulder, “But you are bold, Jules.”

“You like bold men. Always did.”

Yeah. That’s right.

“Right, we’ll act like this never happened.”

“Okay, alright by me, Ms. Prim.”

I think I can’t get over it.

“Did you kiss any men before me?”, Jules asked me dumbfounded.

“Yeah.”

But they never felt… true.

“I never kissed anyone before on the lips.”, I knew that Jules.

I knew that look.

“So you want me to rate it?”, I sighed.

“YEAH! That sounds fun!”, Jules got overly excited.

“God, Julia stop.”, I thought, “It would be aaaa solid 3 out of 5.”

“Not bad for a first!”

“Would’ve been perfect if it weren’t a peck though!”

“Oh, you really love to fuck with me, Cyn!”

Jules really doesn’t think some stuff through. She looked me straight in the eyes.

“Is it okay with you to, um, pretend with me?”, she got serious all of a sudden.

God, how could I say no to that face.

“Yeah, it’s like a fun adventure. And if it’ll help you for a few months I’ll do it.”

Her eyes lit up.

“Um… Alright, I’ll try and figure out a way to let them know!”, Jules smiled, “I just need to make sure they’re supportive of me.”

Julia…

“In the meantime, bienvenue mon cherie.”, Jules or John joked and left.

I heard his bandmates whisper about us. John fanned the rumors up by consistently writing me poems. Julia liked being extra and in John I noticed it more and more. The Beatles got closer to me and became a bit irritating to handle.

And that makes me think what did I just get myself into? Still, it’s harmless fun! And I get to be with John, didn’t I want to be with him? His songs… His voice… Her mind reflects in his actions… What could possibly go wrong?

Rest of Sacrifame