Concerning Lilith, And Of The Lillum:

Concerning Life

I really have 30+ plus more years of this shit?  Probably closer to 30, but holy shit.  I dunno if it’s because I’m smart, or because I’m dumb, but it seems like traditionally we all died by 40-50 for a reason, holy shit is this life thing a mind numbing experience.  Buy shit ya dont need, pay to much for a roof to sleep under when ya not working, dread work the time ya under the roof, work to keep the roof, and so on and so on.  Just fuckin, just fuckin kill me already...

“ Sometimes i feel so happy, sometime I feel so sad.  Sometimes I feel so happy, but mostly you just, make me mad, baby you just, make me mad. Linger on, your pale blue eyes, linger on, your pale blue eyes.  Thought of you as my mountaintop, thought of you as my peak, thought of you as everything, I’ve had but, couldn’t keep, I’ve had but couldn’t keep.”

O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams.

William Shakespeare - Hamlet

I Really Hate the “ I Can’t Help it Attitude “

I come from a long line of drunks, my Mothers family were Swedish Immigrants and my fathers family was German and Irish.  Not giving validation to stereotypes, but, all these people have drinking problems.  If you read say Angelas Ashes, Frank McCourts dad would work long enough to get paid, drink away all the wadges and lose his job for not showing up, over and over. 

He has a way with the drink they say.  That’s bullshit and I’ll tell you why, i can remember stories of people in my family drinking canned heat ( that alcohol based fire in a can ) and you’d think that would kill you but scientifically if you mix enough regular alcohol with rubbing alcohol it cancels out the formaldehyde digestion process, though I wouldnt try it...

My family on ALL sides, came from dirt, just, the poorest of the poor, and they ALL had drinking problems, but they all went to work, and they all raised their kids and they all did what they fucking had to do, period.  This whole “ Im a junky, I’m an alcoholic, I have no control over my actions because I’m drunk and or on junk “ is horseshit and the worst part is, you know that, even when you’re plowed you know you’re being a selfish asshole.

The root cause of your problem isnt substances, abstaining from said substances is just a crutch, a facilitation of excuse, you need to learn how to drink or smoke or whatever with a little fucking decorum and discipline.  A fat person may lose weight and say well im never eating bacon again, the bacon didnt make you fat, the fact that you had to eat 4 plates of it did, the bacons not the problem, the drugs arent the problem, the economy, the people around you arent the problem, your family isnt the problem, the fucking problem is YOU, and you need to change you and not just eliminate all the things that make you a dickhead about life, because there are alot of things...

Chi non beve in compagnia o e un ladro, e una spia, He who doesnt drink in company is either a thief or a spy

This was actually played on a kids guitar, with one of those cheap stretchy capos, it turned out well besides the usual shitty audio quality (again I suggest headphones), anyways, here’s me playing John Prine’s “ Hello in There “ Mistakes were made, i can live with them, Bob Dylan only ever did one take, why should I do more?

You know if i was in therapy I’m sure I’d be set back in it by now.  I cant believe 30 years into life all i have to show for it is a drug habbit, bad dreams, a pile of broken used electronics and a 7 year failed relationship.  Wasted life was the perfect title for this blog, I think my feelings would be hurt had I any left.

Before all my feelings were dead anger would be what I feel right now i guess, just waiting for death.

The Human story: When you’re very young, the world is confusing, you struggle to understand the meaning of life, and therefore life is an abstract, fairly meaningless.  In the middle of your life, you have brushes with death maybe, health problems, near OD’s, your parents die and suddenly you’re very alone.  You work through it, but you start to fear death. 

Maybe I skipped a chapter already but at one point if you’re lucky you stop fearing the unknown, you realize everytime you sleep you die and hope you’re reborn, some people find god, and try to right all their wrongs out of fear, but death is the great equalizer, and is necessary.  Unlike Humans, Earth recycles everything and there are only X amount of resources therefore only Y amout of things can live on X. 

Do I fear death?  Sorta, do I also contemplate death as a release from the sufferings of the world?  You bet, but really it all comes down to how stubborn you are, I’m not in love with life, life has been shitty to me, and now that I’m old enough to do something about it I’ve lost all ambition therein.  At the same time, unlike some hot topic teen goth I dont romanticize death, death is grizzly and horrible. 

Most adults make a life via their vocations and families, they dont have to contemplate their mortality or the nature of the universe, not often, but I dont have that luxury, and as I sit here in my little self made cell, high or drunk on whatever, I think my perspective is different than alot of people. 

Every angsty teen is in love with death because they have a goldfish like brain, and they’re just finding the ocean, most adults are affraid to swim, so they only swim for reasons they make up, money, career advancement, what have you, and some pull the trigger and sink.  Death comes to us all, how you handle it is what makes you you, and everything you say do or think will be defined by this one basic premise, youll either be reckless or fearless, and both are really a sham.  You WILL die, your loved ones will die, in 200 years no one will remember your name, anyone who would will die, invent a heaven or live with it, live to youre old and pissing yourself in a bag, die at 20 from an OD it really doesnt matter you’re just a building everyones waiting to fall down so they can use your bones to shape a new building, you matter completely and you dont matter at all.

I refuse to cry for the people I know that have died young from drugs, i refuse to cry for the people that lived to be old enough to drain excess resources to prolong their inevitable demise, I refuse your concept of reality, I refuse.

Sharpest View of the Andromeda Galaxy, Ever.

The NASA/ESA Hubble Space Telescope has captured the sharpest and biggest image ever taken of the Andromeda galaxy — a whopping 69,536 x 22,230 pixels. The enormous image is the biggest Hubble image ever released and shows over 100 million stars and thousands of star clusters embedded in a section of the galaxy’s pancake-shaped disc stretching across over 40,000 light-years.

Use the ZOOM TOOL to view in full detail.

(WARNING: May cause existential crisis)

Even the most courageous among us only rarely has the courage to face what he already knows.

Nietzsche