Vposledniyraz - Vero

I need a haircut. Like desperately need a haircut. But my hair is what makes me feel like me. It reminds me of who I am. It's my closest connection to source. I hope somebody else in this head takes it into their hands cuz as long as I'm here, it's just gonna get more and more out of control.

I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy he has friends. I'm so happy he can go out and hang out with people and be happy. But I'm not happy. Why is there somebody else he can be happy with. I'm his best friend. Why does it hurt so much. Is it the jealousy that I can't have relationships like that? That I can't make friends or have people that understand me/are on my wavelength? That all of my relationships are face-value/meaningless except for him, we have a deep connection, how can he have a deep connection with other people that he hasnt known very long? I have known him for 5 years, I'm the only friend he's had for so long, surely I have the privilege to be the only one that can make him happy?

I can't let him know I feel this way. I can't ruin my relationship with the only person I have. It fucking hurts whenever he talks about the friend he met abroad that's coming over to see him. When he talks about friends, about being in active group chats that he participates in with friends in his local area. Why can't I be in his local area. Why can't I visit him more than 3 times a year. Why can't he make the effort to come visit me like I make the effort to go visit him.

I'm serious when I say we have a deep connection, but it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

It's not fair. None of this is fair.

So scared of myself that I've chained myself to the bedpost out of reach of anything that could harm me.

ok im really getting sick of my "bestie" leaving me on read !!! why the fuck aren't you talking to me as much as you used to !!! i wish you didn't fucking control everything i do even when you're not fucking doing anything at all to me !!!

Did not drink. Need to drink if we get like this again. And it will be blackout drunk. I can't handle him even saying that thing's name.

i miss him. he doesnt understand how attached i am to him

Fractured. I’m about to kms and I’m so close to being serious.

Everything was so fine until right now.

I’m going to drink so hard to forget it and try to ignore it.

Things r so good so far this week.. waiting for the inevitable fracturing. Though, if that can happen AFTER next week once he's visited me (a SUPER recent development. I'm so excited.), I'd be very grateful. World, hear my plea.

It happened. He fell asleep on call with "American friend". How could I have guessed that would happen. I'm going to bed.

That explains why he wasn't talking to me last night. Or sleep call with me. Cuz he was sleep calling with another person. And it wasn't even his weird American friend thing. I'm going to do what he did last night and ignore the message. Purposefully ignore it so he knows I'm not happy. Is it so hard to communicate with me that you're going to be with someone else. Is it so hard to tell me what you're doing and what your plans are. Asshole.

He really just makes my good days worse. I don't know if it's on purpose or if he's just oblivious. I burned myself for him and he doesn't even care. No praise, no degrading, no disappointment. Nothing. It feels like everything I do is all for nowt. I just want him to fucking look at me. He's lucky he doesn't live near me.