Reading The Articles Of Confederation For My Con Law Class And Wanted To Let You Know That Paupers, Vagabonds,

turn it on in a new kind of bright, it's solar

Solar Power; Lorde 2021

Journal

And its all in my head, (our past, our future)

I can’t get you out of my head

Mind reader, you can see inside my head

Seeing you it all comes to a head

The thought comes into my head

I’ll love you until I’m dead

There’s a part of me that’ll always love you.

The part of me that’s still 13, the part of me that was the beginning of who I am now, not the child but the person. You watched the change, you changed yourself, and we survived that terrible process together, the death of the old us, the horrors of becoming, the fear and loneliness and hope and desire.

And that’s the foundation of who I am today, and you’re there too, imbedded in the cornerstone, along with all the joys and disasters, and I can’t not love you. I love you like I love summertime, or old musicals, or a favorite book. But it’s more than that. I don’t love you like a friend, or a brother, or a lover. Maybe I love you like I love myself. You’re a fragment. You’re a coin I flip, tails for a grudge and disappointment and bitterness, heads for overwhelming tenderness.

And our bodies never meet, you’re so careful to stay a few feet away, but the meeting of our minds is tangible enough for the brush of your fingers to seem irrelevant. And it’s so tragic and so romantic and then tragic again, isn’t it? You’re divorced and too young for that, I’m a virgin and too old for that, and we won’t say those words but we know it in the sidelong glances, in the shapes we draw around in our conversations.

In the scandalously intimate front seats of the car, in the dark and deserted corners on our evening walking, in the quiet of the galleries where we pick apart the art like it will tell us something about ourselves, I can’t bear to look at you for fear of what I’d do. And we’re two ships in the night, a long day together and then a long year apart, and maybe a year becomes forever, because despite our best efforts and egos we aren’t psychic, or perfect, but I think, I hope, we both want otherwise.

And I think about other things too, about your fingertips through my hair, about how we’d laugh, and it would be so strange, wouldn’t it? But if you were the last man on earth, I think we’d be grateful for the apocalypse to leave us to our own devices. And you’re nothing without an audience but I would laugh enough for a whole auditorium, just you and me and the end of the world. But these are foolish things, flights of fancy that die in the sunlight, in the statistics. So I stop thinking about them, about you. And I can go without thinking about you forever, but you’re always there anyway, in the map of my subconscious, in chess and in that christmas card, in showtunes and in shame and in shivers, in dialects and old sci-fi and always, always, in dreams. I hope I’m more than just an old face to you.

My depression is slowly being replaced with anxiety, my nihilism with fear of losing it all, I experienced a brief moment of absolutely buckwild animal fear today when my philosophy professor mentioned the word evil, and I remembered that in fact I am evil and everyone else is too, I had to turn my brain off to concentrate again

Saw that my bio says 19 but I am now 20 and I had a cognitive dissonance moment,,, I’m twenty? I am in my twenties? I survived teenagerdom not in a funny memey haha yeah I made it way but in a I am alive in my twenties and glad about it way? Like the people who said it gets better weren’t actually punking me and I am alive and breathing and excited for the future and actually starting to get choked up just thinking about it. We made it, past self. I’m so proud of you. You were very brave. You were so little and had no direction but you were so brave. And now, you can have a little travel the world, as a treat. And no more math! Maybe you’ll meet the love of your life this year! Maybe you’ll meet him this month! Maybe it’ll be 10 more years but actually it doesn’t matter because you are alive RIGHT NOW. In 2023. Which sounds fake. But I am telling you the truth. I love you even more than I ever hated you, which I am sure you know was a lot. Past tense. Rest and keep on plugging and chugging. It’s all waiting for you.

I am so happy I don’t ever want this period of my life to end and I haven’t slept in 38 hours I’m afraid of losing even a second

Drank double strength black tea at 1 am during finals week and the Hat Man Is Here

Hello Void I went to the Lorde concert tonight and my life literally changed I am healed, so many bangers, divine unmatched vibes, top 10 life experience chefs kiss

I can’t believe Russell T. Davies just invented camp

Is anyone else like frantically and painfully nostalgic for the fall of 2013, which was TEN YEARS AGO??? Unbelievable

Another poor sport quitter toddler tantrum everyone, feeling real convicted right now