It Is Father’s Day In This Foreign Country, And I Miss My Dead Father, And I Didn’t Intend To Bring

And it’s summer again

Sun like tangerine juice

Sky as blue as candy

Days are long and lazy

Speeding to an old song

Flying down the highway

Palm trees in the rearview

Sink into the ocean

Sparkles on the surface

Oldnew freckles darken

Grass is green and dying

Want to skin my knees by

Running on the asphalt

Close my eyes and breathe out

Sweet tea, sticky fingers

Melting ice cream, longing

Sprinklers, seafoam, swimsuits

Everything is all wet

Undercurrents, secrets

Wild, charged, electric

Whispers, laughter, screaming

At the top of my lungs

Sand between the bedsheets

We’re alone together

Only in my mind’s eye

Heat stroke made me drowsy

Home at last, I’m woozy

Piano in a dim room

Fingers fumble, keys sing

Journal then forget it

Playlist, dance, cry after

horizontal body

Everything becoming

Young, but now I’m older

Want to be a kid and

Want to be a grown up

Somewhere in between, though

Endings are beginnings

Time’s a shifting seascape

This enchanted country

Infinite and dreamy

invincible in sunshine

Weak knees in the moonlight

Nothing so romantic

As a joke and shy grin

from a boy with straight teeth

Learn the lines in all things

think I might’ve found a

Paradise right here, now

All divine, eternal

Suspended in summer

Surely it won’t end, right?

Sad and selfish and sulky today, everything is going to change and I’m half-heartedly going through the motions of grief. Figured I would update the void

When there is no more depression like a stone around my neck, rare and treasured happiness becomes commonplace, and the euphoria of joy now feels like nothing, nothing at all, and contentment is not a mountain peak overlooking a panoramic view, but a flat and featureless plain. With no depression hiding me in a little pit, away from the sun, there is no shade or shelter, Just the glare, an undefended and uncharted expanse with room for dread to creep in unhindered, for uncertainty to reign when all directions look the same, and when there is no more up, no more climbing out, how do you decide where to go?

Listening to Suzanne by Leonard Cohen repeatedly and I am sick I am SICK, she feeds you tea and oranges that come all the way from china and the sun pours down like honey on our lady of the harbor.. unwell quaking astral projecting screaming into this void etc.

When Lorde said every perfect summer’s eating me alive until you’re gone and when she said summer slipped us underneath her tongue and and when she said it’s time to let go of this endless summer afternoon and when she said there’s a humming in this restless summer air and when she said that slow burn wait while it gets dark, bruising the sun and when she said we roll in every summer when there’s strength in our numbers and we roll in every summer like it’s shameful to be underneath a ceiling or a roof and when she said this is summer playing dumber than in fall and when she said you’re all gonna watch me disappear into the sun and when she said when the heat comes something takes a hold and when she said my hot blood’s been burning for so many summers now and when she said I just hope the sun will show us the path and when she said brain so hot it’s a summer body every day is blue and never cloudy and when she said I don’t wanna get lost I wanna worship the sun and when she said every perfect summer’s gotta say good night and every perfect summer’s gotta take it’s flight

Oh look its just me and my grief and my jealousy and my bitterness and my fruitless wishes to be better again <3

My depression is slowly being replaced with anxiety, my nihilism with fear of losing it all, I experienced a brief moment of absolutely buckwild animal fear today when my philosophy professor mentioned the word evil, and I remembered that in fact I am evil and everyone else is too, I had to turn my brain off to concentrate again

On today’s episode of listening to astral projection music after midnight and feeling like I’m literally going to claw out of my skin with intense emotion, I am literally home alone in a foreign country and have to be awake in 4 and a half hours and the song is Malibu 1992 by coin <3 someone please help me I am in the grip of demonic forces

Am I being unhinged? Mishinged even? Only time and the memory of a version of me that no longer exists could tell you

Hi Pals, I’ve been observing Tumblr for years and I never really had a presence on here, but I’m 19 and having an identity crisis and this seems like a pretty excellent place to do it. I’m treating this blog like a diary, and I have no idea how often I’ll post or how active I’ll be, and I’m still trying to figure how to actually use this app, so wish me luck! Might share some poems, might do some web weaving, might fandom blog, might have a mental crisis, I don’t even know! Brave new world! Hope to make some friends maybe too so ask me anything I am starved for literally all interaction. Glad to join the hellsite in the year of our Lord 2022, however belated that might be.