Accepting Is Easier Than Hoping

On that day, the viscera of God fell on the world.  Stringing itself up across the sky and into everything.

Белые ночи

Disheveled and lost

this post was mainly about ford trying to convince himself that he isn't stupid and he used bill as much as bill used him. instead of accepting his feelings or fully admitting what happened, he uses this 'reassurances' as ways to cope. he was the genius who will change the world, and now he became the genius who saved the same world. i imagine him being a little vulnerable around his family and admitting things but mostly he is overly protective about this topic

oh, of course ford might have been naive for believing bill's manipulations but that doesn't exactly mean he is stupid too. sure, bill's intentions were far more different than what he told but regardless, he chose ford. out of every human he could use, he trusted ford's intelligence to build an inter-dimensional portal. and mind you, he succeeded.

"bill was using you" then what? ford was using him too. they were on a deal, actually. that means both parts get something out of it. plus, he was a little too much focused on his feelings, his admiration. if not he would've definitely realized something is off with bill.

would he though?

when bill told a story about how he cut a disrespectful garbage's head and displayed it on a square, a lesson to all, ford murmured. when bill sectioned human kind in two; people like ford & others and talked about how much of a material waste others are, how they will never understand ford and exploit his intelligence, ford thought about certain someone who looks just like him. he nodded in agreement when bill casually kept going on how it would be better if they erase out of existence.

he had similar thoughts after all. bill was just more open and violent about them. but wasn't bill always like that? ford never saw those ideas as cracks in bill's mask or slip-ups from his manipulation. he was just bill.

even now he doesn't think bill lied to him all the time because he didn't have to. ford felt himself shiver. those weren't cues for him to realize. he knew and admired bill regardless. admired him with them. admired him because of them.

Quote from never let me go, Kazuo Ishiguro

“I had thought of suicide when I was much younger, as, possibly, we all have, but then it would have been for revenge, it would have been my way of informing the world how awfully it had made me suffer. But the silence of the evening, as I wandered home, had nothing to do with that storm, that far-off boy. I simply wondered about the dead because their days had ended and I did not know how I would get through mine.”

— Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin

Artwork by Deryk Thomas. His artwork was also seen on the album covers by Swans on their albums White Light From the Mouth of Infinity and Love of Life. 

ohg. did a little animation

nothing complicated. guy angry about being trapped in a gif.