Woah. It's A Me

mourning a mirrored soul

part of the reason why i've avoided tumblr so long is because it's always felt like a place a more innocent, socialized and accepted version of myself would've felt at home. in my tweens it was looking like i could maybe be a weirdo but peaceably, without the abuse of ages 7-10. maybe the rough patch was over.

i didn't end up here in that time, hadn't heard of the place, barely had a computer. by the time i was really online i was a teenager and ready to die. the joy of the tumult of a chain of false diagnoses and brutal hospitalizations ending gave way to the dread realization that this was life forever- solitude, joylessness, isolation, alienation, and the lobotomy drugs that if i ever refused i was sure would see me raped again. when i finally rebelled it was off to the camps.

but in that window of time, that tweenage lull, i can see some spark of hope and joy, transient and brief, bound up in memories of bionicles and repressed jealousy of the emo girls who still existed in those days. i had a soul once.

every time i experience tumblr first or secondhand i am forced to confront the fact that that joyous spark was a fucking imbecile rich kid in the making, the sort of save the whales girlie i rag on endlessly for their subconscious fascism and petty bourgeois insularity. i'm a decent and upstanding friend of the people because i was tortured into it.

i don't want to defend my abusers. frankly i think they should have their hearts ripped out atop Chichen Itza. it just doesn't make much sense to abuse a child because they might grow up to be a conformist otherwise. i wouldn't wish it on the conformists here.

the world burns and people here are happy, moisturized, in their fandom lanes. its skilltober, dontchaknow? here's more art of two fictional men chastely kissing. if you were kicked around less, maybe that'd satisfy you too.

Terry Pratchett

well here i am in the now-least-shit shithole

Dear Diary,

Negotiations have broken down. I think my head will be split open shortly.

Warm regards, girlwyrm

"""literature"""

when i signed up for an account they held a gun to my head and made me pick from a premade list of fuckawful tags to follow. literature made the cut of one of the five least evil. already it is utterly odious. nobody here reads- they take screencaps of braindead coffee table poetry. meanwhile i have delusions of being captain yossarian. we are not the same

making a disco elysium spiritual successor that's just an .exe that opens a video of me jerking off set to the disco elysium OST with the words "THIS IS SERIOUS ART FOR SERIOUS PEOPLE" overlayed on it

every progressive lib vid analyzing conservative thought nowadays is like "first, The Greatest Generation saved the world from Hitler and Stalin, then created an unspoilt paradise in the form of Suburban 1950's USA, only to be ruined when The Great Satan Regan passed the USA Is A Bad Country Law, turning the USA into a bad country for the first time."

realest one to ever do it