Dennis Calling Himself Nancy Boy. Saying It In His Own Mind, As He's Having A Breakdown Where The Only

dennis calling himself nancy boy. saying it in his own mind, as he's having a breakdown where the only thing listening in on him is an automated system. as he's asking for help, deprived of human connection, doomed to isolation, trying to keep his emotions in check.

dennis grew up learning that he was abnormal, queer for being soft, weak, effeminate; he can be these things inside, be these things in private, be these things, but not too obviously. he can wear makeup, but not too much, or he'll get jeered at. he can carry around his stuffed elephant, but one day dee might rip off it's head if he lets on how much it means to him. he can be into "early eighties glam rock femme shit", but only in charlie's apartment, or he'll get called "gay" and booed off stage.

vulnerability is liability, giving people too much of yourself will only lead to you getting hurt. bottling it up and pretending its not there makes you numb. so your best bet is to pivot to being useful. act as if there is a greater purpose for everything you do. you become a leader, because you want so desperately to avoid being out of control, but soon you find that you've amassed a responsibility. people rely on you. people that you care about. and you can't say no, because you need to feel wanted, you need to feel accepted, and now you need to live up to everyone's expectations of you... and thus dennis puts on a mask, pretends that he's emotionless ("[Dennis] does have feelings, he has very deep and strong feelings, and he's actually a very fragile person."), but also unpredictable, crazy, violent ("A lot of his psychopathic behaviour comes from a deep-seated insecurity.") which makes him respected, because he is feared. the gang's psycho. brain, brawn AND looks. when in reality, he has been driven to this point by a number of different factors, all stemming from him being misunderstood. it's not his nature. it's part of that "cold, calculated, heartless shell" he put up at fourteen. he's not strong enough to withstand the pressure, not by himself, but he can't ask for help, and he can't clue anyone in to what's really happening, because they'll reject him, leave him, or use it against him. in his mind, he's screaming for someone to help him, but the gang isn't around (he pushed them away to keep them from seeing the truth), and if he becomes a burden to them, if they lose confidence in him, if they think he's weak, they'll leave.

they'll keep him around until his usefulness runs out, without ever seeing that he's desperate for their help, their support, and for them to ease the hell up and stop putting so much responsibility on him.

he's talking, but no one is listening. even in a group, he is isolated. he is the cold and unfeeling monster. he is the inhuman. he is the one who can't get through.