Me: *does A Little Twirl* *blows A Kiss* *throws Up A Peace Sign* *turns On My Heel*

Energy: Rambling #11

18th April 2022, 02:12

Do you know what is really annoying? The random surges of energy that I can get. But, do you know when it is? It is always during the middle of the fucking night when I can’t do anything. Bake food? I don’t know how to work the new oven. Clean? The hoover would be too loud. Dance? My footsteps are heavy. Try on new clothes? My wardrobe door sounds like I’m dropping a nuclear bomb. I wish I had this kind of energy when I woke up and throughout the day, but when I wake up, I feel like I have been beaten up and had my head held underwater.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

“What if I slept a little more and forgot about all this nonsense.”

— Franz Kafka

Love: Rambling #9

18th April 2022, 00:35

There is this girl that I love. She knows that I love her. I met her last summer, and I have loved her since the day we met. She is kind, funny, and she genuinely cares about me. The problem is, this girl lives in Ukraine. She lives in Kharkiv and is directly impacted by the war. I am so terrified something is going to happen to her. For your information, I live in Scotland. However, there are a lot of controversial thoughts I have about this girl. I’ll list them:

1. She’s 17. I don’t really care. 16 is the legal age in the UK. I am 20. The problem is, I like people who are older than me (preferably 25+). I can tell that she is still immature. I can see my 17 year old self in her mannerisms. It’s weird, though, because I’m jealous of her age. I feel like I’m mentally stuck at 17 and I haven’t grown up since. I think this is because I was isolated since I was 14, so I never got the opportunity to socialise and grow up. I know I will forever be 17. I suppose a good thing is that she is taller than me. I like that in a partner, too.

2. She’s very talented. She is brilliant at music and can draw wonderfully, too. Of course, I’m impressed by this and I like to see her work, but at the same time, I am jealous and it makes me feel insecure. I started guitar when I was 4. I was called a prodigy by my guitar instructor, but I never progressed. I was forced to work at the level of my peers. Now, I am only average at guitar. This girl, she attended a musicians school. It’s the same for her art. I bet her parents paid for her to be tutored. Either that, or she had so little worries that she had time to practice properly by herself. I had to work for a living, I didn’t get time to work on the things that I loved. Plus, I’ve never had a damn art lesson in my life. I have so many things that I want to draw, but I can’t draw for the life of me. I know it is just practice, but I don’t have the energy or the time to practice. I keep saying I’ll practice in summer, but we all know how that ends up.

3. She’s not serious. I want to flirt with her. Whenever I do, it’s always brushed off with a joke. It’s frustrating. I want her to smirk at my words. I want her to feel flustered. I want her to make me feel the same. I want to feel that ache in my chest when she says something hot. Not even sexual, just romantic or flirtatious. Though, I really do like making out. I want to make out with her, but that’s something I cannot suggest because it will scare her away.

4. She is asexual. Don’t get me wrong, I support people who are asexual, but fucking hell. What am I supposed to do? I’m not asexual. I want to touch her. I want to trace her body. I want to kiss the back of her neck. I want to make her stare at me while I walk. I want her to feel me. I want her to love every aspect of me. And, again, not even sexually. I want to skim her body like ripples on the ocean. I want to count the freckles on her skin. I want to see her nude to appreciate the beauty of her body. I can’t ever ask for something like this because she in asexual, and I cannot stand rejection. I still have hope that she will change, or that I can turn her sexual, or that she just hasn’t tried being sexual with a ‘female’ before. When I was 17, I thought I was asexual, too. I hope this is just a phase. I want her to love me. Love me hard.

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

The saddest thing is when you are feeling real down, you look around and realize that there is no shoulder for you.

— Franz Kafka, “The Metamorphosis and Other Stories”

Sometimes it takes courage to open up to kindness

The Truth: Rambling #22

17th May 2022, 01:17

(The following is a message I wrote to my friendship group in my notes at the beginning of May. For context, I read through a groupchat that they had made without me. I had a mental breakdown and told the truth, but people don’t wish to hear the truth. I revealed that I was counting my pills and was going to kill myself. I explained that I had blocked my door so no paramedics could enter. How did they react? They ignored me and went to comfort X because she was ‘upset’ about the messages I had sent you. The truth. How come somebody with a paper cut gets all the attention and love while somebody split in half is completely isolated and alone? The only reason I didn’t kill myself that evening was because I fell asleep before I could try from absolute exhaustion from freaking out, but my body definitely suffered the consequences. I had a black eye and my knuckles were very fucked up.)

You know, after you’ve dealt with abuse, you’re extremely good at reading people. When I get a bad gut-feeling, I’ve learnt to trust it. It’s usually always right. This time, unfortunately, it was right again. When I learned X was very empathic, I immediately saw this as faux for attention. I now believe that this is the case. X is empathic because that’s how she wants other people to view her, she does not actually care for somebody’s feelings. I know this because she prioritised her own feelings above mine. She also loved the gossip that was involved with W, creating memes and spreading misinformation, just being an all-round instigator while maintaining the innocent act by apologising and acting hurt. X is manipulative. She has convinced everything that I am this horrible, disgusting person and slandered me behind my back. Not once did I ever say her feelings were invalid. Yet, this is one of the prime reasons why everybody now despises me. I explained why my feelings where hurt, but that I wanted her to be happy and do what was best for her. I bet she didn’t tell you that part, did she? Apparently I’m not ‘the friend you thought I was’, no, I’m just manipulative.

What part of being autistic do you not understand? I. Do. Not. Like. Change. It doesn’t matter how many times you say things won’t change, I know for a fact that they will. By dating, you have fractured the group and changed the dynamic FOREVER. You hang out without me, you lie to me about where you are, you leave me waiting for hours for you to arrive, you tell everybody my secrets, you make group chats without me so I’m unable to defend myself, and you convince everyone that I am the perpetrator. I trusted you to open up to you about how I felt, about how I am suicidal, and you used that to victimise yourself. You are not the victim, and you never have been. You say that I’m putting all this pressure onto you, that my life is in your hands. Don’t be so full of yourself. You are not worth me killing myself over. Everybody thinks that you were always there for me. No, you weren’t. Your words are superficial. You never tried to help me. You never stayed up late with me. You never held me, or watched me cry. I did that for you. I held your hair when you were throwing up. I hugged you when you were having anxiety attacks. Everybody seems to forget about that. You will never understand the way I am feeling.

You lied to me about how you felt about Y. You lied to me. You lied. I cannot trust you. Then you twisted everything I said. Why can you not understand that this is painful for me? My two closest friends care more about each other than me. I’m not asking to be prioritised, as Z kindly said (thanks, by the way, feels really good). No, I’m asking to be EQUAL. Yet, when you date somebody, you’re equal no more. I am no longer equal to you both. I am no longer comfortable around you. Z didn’t tell Y about their feelings for him because they knew that it would rupture the group, and yet, here you both are, being entirely selfish because you want to feel something superfluous.

I find it hilarious that my disabilities and mental health are no longer something you can deal with when it becomes something you cannot relate to or romanticise. I apologise that my mental health isn’t just getting cold or shaking from anxiety. I apologise that I’m dealing with serious problems that you can only dream of facing. I apologise that you will always only ever be shallow individuals with no real understanding of the outside world. ‘Not as good of a friend as we thought he was’. Are you kidding me? I slaved for you. I went outside almost every damn day to maintain my friendships with you guys. I didn’t admit a single thing wrong with me until I TRUSTED you guys. And look where that got me. Now you are using my mental health to convince everybody that I am manipulative and inconsiderate.

Tell them the truth. Tell them that I said I want you to be happy. Tell them that I never once invalidated your feelings. Tell them that I was being realistic and your fairytale (which you were willing to go after and to completely toss your friends aside for) was something I had a problem with. Tell them how I said I didn’t want to lose you. Tell them how I said I didn’t want us to get different accommodations. Tell them of how you BETRAYED me. You lied about me. I am not manipulative, X is.

It hurts because everybody I care about is miles away from me. Everybody is leaving me. My friend hasn’t replied for a week. My family is dying and breaking apart. Yet, when I tell you this, when I confide in you why this is hurting me, you convince everybody that I am manipulative. When YOU break me, I’m in the wrong. ‘I shouldn’t have told you those things’. ‘I should apologise’. None of this was my fault, you were just so reluctant to listen to my opinion, and then you stomped on my opinion and tossed me to the dirt, making sure that everybody else would stomp on me as well when I was already down. You dare say you care about me? What a load of bullshit. You are nothing but a snake. A cunning, manipulative little snake. You’ve got everybody wrapped around your finger. But I’m smarter than you, and I see exactly what you’re doing. You can’t out manipulate the manipulator after all, can you?

No way in hell do I want to live with people as toxic as you. I hope one day that the others will realise what you are truly like. I pity that they have not gone through the same abuse to be able to see things as clearly as I can.

(Here is also the note about the medication I had counted:

Paracetamol: 90

Gedarel: 140

Naproxen: 6

Imodium: 28

Loratadine: 7 (went off in 2017)

Amitriptyline: 37

Citalopram (40): 55

Citalopram (10): 17

Together: 380

I have more medication now, and I have also bought alcohol; a deadly combination.)

~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)

girl i am so deeply unhappy

When did "Suicide is still an option" become a comforting thought ?