Depersonalisation: Rambling #18
Depersonalisation: Rambling #18
21st April 2022, 21:29
I woke up this morning feeling incredibly weird. When I climbed out of bed, my feet were not my own. They seemed so far away from me. When I looked at my hands, they looked like hands I had never seen before. I tried to use the bathroom, but I felt like I was driving a car. I was inside my skull and watching the world around me on a movie screen. Everything was out of place and foreign. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing. Strangely, I felt like I was floating. People call this depersonalisation. I guess that is what I was feeling, but it’s the strongest I’ve ever felt it. I truly didn’t feel like I was attached to my body. I felt robotic, like a sim being controlled in-game. It was nauseating. My problem is, though, is why does this happen? It has to happen for a reason. Am I having a moment of clarity? A blip in the system? Am I experiencing who I truly am? Was this body ever really mine? Or was this body given to me? I don’t remember becoming who I am today. I just arrived. Who am I?
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)
More Posts from Tokidokioki and Others
Bonnie and Clyde: Rambling #14
19th April 2022, 00:31
Dear God, my last rambling made me start thinking about this. A lover. A crazed lover. Somebody who is obsessed and head over heels for me. Somebody who spends every minute thinking about me, plotting scenarios about me, dreaming about me, who would do absolutely anything for me. Just as I would for them. In love. Wholly in love. Wildly in love. Our love would be messy. Bloody. I want us to elope and become Bonnie and Clyde. I want them to look at me, sparks behind their eyes, with a knife in their hand, blood spattered across their face, and a corpse by their feet. I want to walk forward, clutch their jaw, and press my lips firmly to their own. I want to make love in the blood of our victim. But, are they really a victim? We’re only ridding them from this horrible, horrible world. I think I would try and kill the bad, worst people of this world first. The animal abusers. The pedophiles. The parents who beat their children. Rich people who don’t donate to charities. Oh, and that one girl who lied about me hurting her when I was about six years old. You fucking bitch. I didn’t touch you. But, now I will. I’ll hurt you in the way you said I did, and then my partner will slit your throat and your blood will coat my naked body. I’ll glisten black under the moonlight. My lover, their eyes dilated in admiration, would drop their knife and come to me, tender hands leaving trails through the blood across my chest. Oh, how I would fall for you even further. I would kill for you. I would do anything for you. I would grow you roses fed with the blood of my enemies. They would be the brightest, most healthiest, deep red roses you have ever seen. All you have to do is let go and trust me. Just let go. Let your inner demons take control of the steering wheel. Join me in my instantly. Together we can dominate this disgusting, pathetic world. After all, it’s not fun to be insane when you’re alone.
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)
Fever: Rambling #12
18th April 2022, 02:18
Do you know what else is incredibly annoying? The illness that is still in my body. To give you context, I got sick around mid January. Not covid, although it mimicked covid. It is almost May and I still have the damn sickness. Granted, my snotty nose and coughing is much less, but I still have a damn fever. It’s awful because I’m always freezing cold. I want to be known as the freezing cold person. It scratches a part of my eating disordered brain, “ooga booga, if you’re cold and pale, people will notice you and ask if you’re okay, ooga booga”. I don’t know, I guess I just want shot of this bug. I even got blood tests done last week (damn, I need to post a rambling about my health problems at some point), and the virus showed up in my blood. It was actually pretty scary because they phoned me and I thought they were going to tell me I had cancer or something. I shouldn’t have to worry about shit like this, I’m only 20.
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)
The saddest thing is when you are feeling real down, you look around and realize that there is no shoulder for you.
Do you ever feel like everyone around you is annoyed by you, they want you around cause they'll feel bad if you're gone. But they don't need you and you feel toxic, you're just HERE. Hahaha cause yea I want to die
History Essay: Rambling #8
18th April 2022, 00:21
I’m proud of myself for once. I’ve written 1,000 words of my essay and I still have a week before it needs to be submitted. I’m never like this. I usually take two extensions on my essays so that I get two extra weeks to write (and then leave it until the day before it’s due still). My psychologist says it is ADHD. I think it’s just laziness, no motivation, and exhaustion. I don’t find things fun anymore. I have such a short attention span. I can’t even watch a 10 minute YouTube video without growing bored. It’s like growing up has sucked the colour from my life. Everything is grey. Food tastes like cardboard. The sun never shines. It is a permanent winter. I know the only reason I am doing my essay early is because I have so many other assignments I have to submit, but I am still proud of myself for actually doing it. The essay is about hierarchy and stratification in pre-modern Korea. It’s actually quite interesting. I’ve learned about the kolp’um system (bone ranks) and the yangban system (basically scholars). It was an amalgamation of aristocracy and bureaucracy. The funny thing is, I love to learn. I’m an intelligent person and doing nothing all day is boring and draining for me. Yet, I can never find the energy to actually study. Once again, I am a walking contradiction, and I just want to smash my head through a glass window.
~ 化け猫 (Bakeneko)
Does anybody wanna do a Scaramouche x Kazuha x Heizou roleplay? We can be a group of three, or we can play one of the characters together. I only roleplay on Discord.
Like or message me!
