My Scars Are Fading.

Doesn't matter how much effort I put in, right? It's hard to love me.

Buying my coworkers lunch and gifts as if this is stardew valley and I can bribe them to be my friends

I wanna burn down every single bridge I built cause I’m tired of being the only person that makes sure it doesn’t fall apart

unfortunately for the both of us, i really like you

I think I wanna get better but what if I'm no one under all the mental illness?

Kind of don’t want to have to be strong and keep fighting anymore just want to give up and give in im so tired

Does anyone else feel lonesome?

Not lonely. Not alone. Just... lonesome. Like you don't feel connected to anyone. Like you never feel that you will find anyone that understands you, that will see you truly, let alone someone who will even like you. You see friends everywhere, but you don't see yourself in their place, like that is not for you, like you're not made for that and that's not made for you. You see people having fun and laughing and dancing and getting drunk and falling in love and you just... don't feel that for yourself. Like you're not supposed to have that, like you can't because it's not for you and you're not for it.

Like you're supposed to be seeing all these beautiful things in the world but not experience them yourself. Like you want to experience so much, experience everything, but be overwhelmed by it so you don't do any of it.

Like you want to be everywhere and do everything, but you don't belong anywhere and can't do anything. Like you're not supposed to be here. Not in a self-deprecating way but in an incongruous way. You want to live you want to be alive, but you feel you're not supposed to be. Not here at least, not like this. Just a presence in the world, not an active member of it. Even your body doesn't feel like home, your face isn't a face you recognise, like you're not supposed to have either. Like you're just supposed to be.

Like you're supposed to observe, but not experience.

thinking you're being overdramatic and paranoid over nothing only to be proven completely right is such a sickening feeling.