Compulsive Heterosexuality Is Truly One Of The Worst Things You Could Ever Experience Not Only As A Lesbian,

compulsive heterosexuality is truly one of the worst things you could ever experience not only as a lesbian, but also as a feminine woman. i have been a christian for as long as i have been existing in this planet—raised with catholic knowledge, scriptures, grew up with religious family—therefore, i always thought that women are only meant to be with a man as they are meant to be with a woman. women are meant to submit, to be whoever i am today, while men are meant to protect; to which i do not mind because being feminine is amazing, being feminine is special! it makes me unique, it makes me powerful. i wouldn’t mind being clingy to you, i wouldn’t mind cleaning the dishes for you, i wouldn’t mind being left alone at home for you to come back home with our children, but i always find myself in tears whenever i try to envision myself with a man.

you know this by now but it’s been a year since i assembled the puzzle pieces of my identity and finally figured things out like yes, i am lesbian and i have never been so happier to finally call myself one! i am sending all of my love to all the bisexual people; it is a label that i was once comfortable identifying myself with until i have felt that i know i could be something more than that. most of the time, i am super confident in my skin. sometimes, i feel like throwing up.

the moment i find a man attractive, i get so confused that i start to despise myself ruthlessly. a part of me is terrified, deeply terrified.

will i ever be happy with the decisions i make in my life if i keep on swaying back and forth like what i’m doing today? do i really like girls? am i just playing with their feelings the whole time? are they an experiment all along? am i an experiment? am i actually a lesbian when i end up finding certain men pretty? what if my sacrifices for being bold boils down to the drain and at the end of the day, i’ll settle down with a man? will i actually burn just because i am being who i really am? will i be that kind of a lesbian who will be despised for having this compulsion? maybe i do really like men? will all of this boil back down to me being a christian? will my parents tell me that they told me so and i’ll find myself crying, telling myself that they were right all along? am i meant to suffer from the constant loop that repeats all of these questions again? the moment i find a man attractive and try to envision myself leaning my head against his shoulder, arms wrapped around his; i can never see the same sparkle in my eyes when i love a woman. what am i? who am i, truly? does it ever get better?

this is my biggest fear. you could bring me cockroaches; the insects i always despised since i was a kid, you could take me to the tallest building since i am terrified of heights, but to constantly doubt who i really am and realize that i still haven’t figured it out yet is what would kill me.