I Think It's Appropriate That I Changed Out My Head Lights Today. God Probably Knew It Would Be Harder

Do you think that Eurydice ever forgave Orpheus? I know I would. I can't help but think we all would look back. Maybe it's just the way we are born? Already gripped and snatched into worry, fear, anxiety and uncertainty. But Apollo gave his Son the gift of a Heavy Heart. And the Courage that comes with it. Even Eurydice made the mistake to be distracted and wrapped up in the clouds, only to be bitten by what's on the ground. But how could you not be? The songs of creation that made even trees dance and boulders sing, the beats were to her name. Eurydice. A Muse to the Highest Order and Element. Orpheus was always meant to lose. Because his Love for Eurydice would always compel him to look back, and his Failure only Proves that. I could Forgive them.

A gentle breeze rustles the trees. A Streetlight’s light casts yellow over green leaves. Your head on my Shoulder. Mine in your hair. In a backyard. On a trampoline.

I sifted through thousands of Faces only wanting to see yours.

Decided to make another splice and thought I’d document it. ._.

I had a pretty terrible day yesterday. I woke up in the middle of the night, and my brain was like "Why don't you make a self portrait but make it plum?" So I did. And this is what I landed on. I made this after a terrible day in a terrible year, where I have felt lost and confused. What I've learned while making this is that Identity and Narrative are things you have to give to yourself.

Another love letter, I'll likely never send.

I think of people all day long. There are peoples whose names are written in the valves of my heart and with every beat and measure their meanings send my lifeblood through my veins. However, recently my thoughts are falling on you. I feel like I've wrote this letter-of-sorts to you a thousand times, and sent it to you none. For most people I can enumerate exhaustively every grievance or alternatively adequately admit any appreciation. But for you it has been consistently hard to find and define. For sometime I have been mixing up every word and position, it's definition and connotation trying to form something coherent. But I fear somewhere from heart to head, from head to hand, or hand to paper, it is getting lost in translation. Unfortunately I am acutely aware of my own mistakes, and I can say that I have committed many transgressions both purposeful and otherwise, big and small. And the greatest of these, at some point in my life I intentionally removed myself. For far too long I have remained silent and absent. Exclusive and Elusive. Now I am trying to write myself back into the narratives of many people. You are one of them. My thoughts and moments for you are variable and different, some are as the rosy fingered sky brings dawn to day, or as a quiet snow blankets a patient night. As the warmth of my heated seat reminds me of a shivering passenger. Or even now, as I'm writing this, your smile the sound of your laughter. I cannot say for certain if the formality of my words widens the gap, or closes the distance. But I know at least I've tried to convey some semblance of the reality that is, in a single trite expression "In my heart." I know that eventually, at sometime a bell will toll for my name, and my sins tallied. I can only pray that the ground remembers my name, and forgives me and just allows me to rest in the sun and grass, under my own vine. Then my body burned and ashes spread. But in a life, I can know this one victory. That I did not regret to shower the people I love with love. You are one of them. I would willingly give to you my days, hours and minutes. However I fear, that you, like most cancers put on shell, or an armor to protect something. And that's okay there is no fault or shame in that. You are allowed to be as guarded, defended or distance as you are comfortable with. You have opened yourself up to me before, and in that touching moment you impressed on to me an image. Something worth protecting. You are not fragile. You are sturdy. You've known pain, and adversity. What vision I received is one I will covet, cherish and hold sacred. You do not ever have to make yourself vulnerable to me, but I would like to make myself to you. If you give me the chance to, I'll give you those things my days, hours and minutes. If given your permission, I would be in your narrative. I see you, I hear you, if you would allow me, I'd hope to help you feel those ways. I am not here to defraud, defame, or even deshell you. My only motivation is to care, love and to get know you better. I only hope you don't misread my intention.

I often have my own moments where I feel like I'm both the storm and the sea that rage all at once. Then a kind soul or comment will come and humble me into nothing more than a paused breath. Reminding me of my place in the shoal of souls that we are. We ebb and flow in and against the direction of all other people. If we all opened our hearts a little more than our egos. I think we could find ourselves in much better places.

"Yet then again," This was a phrase commonly muttered by my now deceased Grandmother Pat. She used it often as either contradiction or conjecture. It was her verbal crutch that tethered her thoughts together. "Still even in addition to what has already been mentioned" I guess is much more a mouthful than the previous statement. But I keep on thinking about that Yet. How it could also mean "by now or then". Then "Afterward" and Again "Once More". I wonder if she knew all the while she was also saying a secret comfort to us, something that was analogous to Love and how it is omnipresent in our Lives. Love is "Here and There, Now and Then. Afterwards, Once Again."

If you ask me if I was made in God's imagine I would adamantly decline. However, if you asked me if she was made with some grander plan or design in mind, I would affirm because that is the opinion of mine.