Thesassymarquess - The Sassy Marquess

At least the Mayor cares about some people's medical needs. Though a crutch might be more helpful

Limb-destroying sock

Don’t act like pidge is not the favorite

So, I've been playing Dwarf Fortress for a while now, and tbh, the game will never cease surprising you with the things that go on. Maybe this is tame to someone, but what happened here in my 4th fort threw me for a loop.

So, I was trying to figure out what was going on with my dyer and why my dying isn't really progressing. I've been paying a little attention to the dwarves going into and out of my nearby clothiers, and notice one is a metalcrafter, which is kinda odd, but I recall authorizing them for that work detail. A moment later I see a notification pop up saying that she just had "Dwarven Babies" to which, I immediately think "Aww cute, I'll check out her twins real quick"

Wait triplets? Oh wow, and sure enough she's got three lovely sons clinging to her. I figure I'll check their names under relations, but wait...

So I look at her on the tile, and see Zasit, Olin, and Reg all there, and they're all 0 years old. I click to see Kulet, and it just takes me to their mother's tile. I glance over the tile. No Kulet. I pull up her mother's relations again, and try again. No Kulet. I've got the game paused, and all it does, regardless of which button I push for Kulet, is show me their mother's location. I have no idea where she is, I can't find her at all. I'm like mildly horrified at the concept that she's just abandoned her daughter somewhere, and I just can't find her.

Gabriel: If i put the word ‘Dark’ in front of that, will i still be able to transform?

Nooroo: …yes i suppose?

Gabriel: …Cool

Chat Noir from Miraculous Ladybug is making fucking mac and cheese, and nobody can stop him!

First rule of ranged weapon safety is to have fun

i don’t know what this is

Dimension 52

(View the other chapters here [Chapter 1][Chapter 2])

Chapter 3:

It had been a couple of months since Ford had initially landed in Ooo, Six months to be precise. His records of how long he’d been lost were kept as accurate as possible. He’d had time to meet some of the other denizens including Princess Bubblegum’s friend, Marceline the Vampire Queen. She’d visited for a bit of a prank, namely moving Bubblegum’s bed halfway across Ooo. There was the Ice King, apparently an old senile wizard who came into Bubblegum’s castle with the intent to kidnap her. Ford fought the Ice King back, knocking off the crown that was seemingly the source of his powers (Afterwards the Ice King left sulking over the fact that Princess Bubblegum apparently had a new ‘boyfriend’, a statement that left Ford quite confused for the longest amount of time.) He even ran into a pair of talking dogs named Joshua and Margret who seemed to be paranormal investigators like himself. Ford spent most of his time either training or working alongside Bubblegum on one of her recent projects, some kind of defense robot named RATTLEBALLS.

Recently he’d come to the conclusion that he wasn’t really needed in Ooo anymore, and he had more or less finished his hand-to-hand combat lessons he’d been taking. There was also the rather unnerving issue of the candy citizens that kept calling him Billy for some strange reason.  So Ford grabbed his things, including several devices he and Bubblegum had built and some food for his journey ahead. It was time for him to discuss with Bubblegum his departure from this dimension.

“Hey Peppermint Butler, where’s Princess Bubblegum?”

“She’s in her Lab currently. Do you need me to get her?”

“No, that’ll be fine, I need to talk to her myself. Thank you Peppermint Butler.”

Ford found Princess Bubblegum sitting at her lab working furiously on an invention. “Hello Princess Bubblegum.” Bubblegum silently continued to work on her invention, not really acknowledging Ford’s presence. She put down a soldering iron and picked up a screw driver sealing the case on a piece of electronics. At this point she looked up and noticed Ford’s presence.

“Hey Ford, what’s up.”

“I’m ready to go home now.”

“I understand. I figured this day was coming.” Her tone sounded off to Ford. This wasn’t her typical cheery, bubbly attitude she had.

She grabbed her device off the table, revealing a second one sitting across from it. She gave a push to her desk causing her chair to slide across the room to the Traveler’s Stone. She picked it up on the way past, smoothly exited the chair, and walked over.

“So from what I learned of the it, all you have to do it is hold it and concentrate on your destination.”

“Really? It’s that simple?”

“Yup. But before you go, take this.” She held out the little device in her hand.

“It’s an interdimensional communicator. It’s a pretty basic prototype, but it gets the job done. I’ve got another one on my desk.”

“So how does it send messages back and forth? Is it a full digital interface? I’d say my experience with these is a little behind your tech.”

“The interface is only partially digital, it just sends a physical letter through it. It’s got this dimensions address already programmed into it. All you have to do is give it something to send.”

“Any restrictions to it?”

“For one thing, anything sent has to be less than five inches wide and less than one inch thick.”

Ford looked into the sole slot on the device and noted it matched the measurements given.

“I’ll also need you to send me your current dimensional ID every time you hop to a new dimension, otherwise I won’t be able to reply.”

“Sounds pretty useful if I can get the hang of it. How do I interact with it if I need to change the settings or something? Also can it send anything that fits in it?”

“You can send anything that isn’t alive. I simply think the results would not be pretty. Other than that, size is the only factor.”

“Have you tested it yet?”

“Give me a second.”

She walked back to her desk, grabbed a folded up letter, and inserted it into her device. It continued inside the device on it’s own. After a second, the letter was gone and Ford’s device beeped out a “You’ve got D-mail.”

“Okay so now you push the button here.”

As he did so, the letter emerged from the slot in his device. It read “DMD: Dimensional Mailing Device Instructional Manual.”

“Let’s do a quick test to see if yours can send properly.”

After more than enough tests of Princess Bubblegum’s invention that may have been an excuse to spend just a bit more time together they grabbed the stone and left the lab.

“If my understanding of the Traveler’s Stone is correct being on top of the castle will be the safest location to avoid mishaps.”

A faint breeze blew by as the two of them looked down on the Candy Kingdom. The time to say goodbye had finally come. Princess Bubblegum started to hand the Stone to Ford, but after a moment’s hesitation she set the stone aside to give Ford a  well-deserved hug. Though it felt awkward and unexpected on his end Ford reciprocated the hug.

“I’ll miss you.” She whispered to him.

Ford’s face turned a shade of pink brighter than Bubblegum’s hair. He picked up the stone and a second later it floated out of his hand. After shifting into a vertical ring a glowing portal appeared inside it.

“Goodbye Princess Bubblegum.”

“Call me Bonnie.”

“Goodbye Bonnie.”

With that, Ford stepped through the portal.

“‘Aw Balls’? What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“Man, this is only the second time this has happened. Though it’s kinda weird it’s happened twice man.”

Stanford Pines stood in the middle of Prismo’s time room, with the only other object in the room being a little waste basket with a miniature basketball hoop attached. The rest of Prismo’s room was a bright yellow, except for the pink of Prismo himself. Prismo looked to be nothing more than a shadow cast upon the entire room from a higher plane of existence. Honestly Ford wasn’t exactly sure what Prismo’s true form was, but odds were good he looked more impressive than his results did.

“Okay, explain to me why when I wish to be able to go back to my home dimension, a trash can appears.”

“Well, err… I’m not exactly sure why the waste basket appears. Perhaps your true home could be in the trash.”

Prismo didn’t seem to be very sure of what was going on, but he seemed to be attempting to lighten the mood judging by his tone. However the joke was as tasteless as one of Stanley’s used to be. It had been what 11 years or so since he’d last heard a joke from Stanley. Ford felt a kind of emptiness over this reflection, but he pushed down these feelings and tried to focus on the conversation.

Prismo looked at Ford noting Ford’s complete distaste towards the joke and resumed speaking. “Ok, I’m sorry, I guess that wasn’t that funny. Look I can try to explain as much as I can, but it might be a little long. You shouldn’t need to worry too much though, since it won’t take any time in any other dimensions, which is why it’s called my time room.”

Prismo took in a deep breath and began: “So as you are well aware, there are many different dimensions and timelines and universes in the multiverse, or multidimensional space, or whatever you want to call it. My powers are limited in that I can only alter certain dimensions that are within my domain. So if say someone from the Land of Ooo comes in and wishes that say the Lich never existed, I’d alter the universe for their wish, and insert them into their new Lich-free reality. Of course there can be plural universes for dimensions, so I only change or create the relevant universe. If someone comes in and wishes to go to another Dimension entirely, the new dimension needs to be within my circle of power for me to be able to get them there. Unfortunately yours is out of bounds. I don’t even know where you’re originally from. Theoretically you might never get back.”

“Well thanks for the hope.”

“I said theoretically. You do still have residual traces of your home dimension on you, so someone could track you by the trail you’ve been leaving as you journey around. In addition you might stumble back into your home dimension on accident. Future prediction is a nasty business Ford. You never know when something good or bad might happen. You can only guess the chances that it might happen.”

“What do I do now? I don’t even know how to leave this room.”

“Well all I said was that I couldn’t quite get you home, right?”

“Are you implying that you can get me closer to home?”

“Yep, I’ll even let it be on the house for you. That way you’ve still got one wish left.”

It looked like Ford wouldn’t be back as home as easily as he thought. At least a wish and a push in the right direction would be useful.

“So where will you send me exactly?”

“You followed a certain vector in the 4th dimensional plane. I believe that I can pinpoint it, and boom, I’ll send you right back in that direction. You’ll end up closer to where you left from, but that’s really the best I can do here.”

“Okay, So about that wish…”

[Chapter 4]

Yeah, I probably should have prefixed that the most important one to stop insane dwarves is a craftsdwarfshop, as for new players, that's going to be the majority of their artifacts. Likewise, the threshold at which dwarves start having the moods is 20 dwarves, though I think it can be changed in world settings? I personally find artifacts are really good for sprucing up rooms for either nobles or value requirements, at least when you're new to the game, but that does tend to invite thieves...

Forbidding certain materials during a strange mood is really nice. It took me a while to realize I could do that, but yeah, if I notice an armorer or weaponsmith is having a strange mood, I ban all bars except steel, to... encourage them to make a GOOD piece of equipment. I've had enough of "Zinc gauntlets" for my lifetime I think. Likewise, I tend to ban all iron ores during strange moods for similar reasons. (Yes, strange moods can result in dwarves making artifact items that are normally impossible to make, like non-wood beds, non-weaponsgrade metal weapons/armor, or other... interesting objects. I've seen jewelers make cages out of gemstones before, was actually pretty awesome, because I set it up as my monarch's terrarium in his throne room.)

I don't know if magma forges losing magma still results in insanity, but I did forget that. Weirdly though, they'll use an unpowered magma forge fine from what I've seen, I think it's only if it has magma, and then doesn't suddenly, that they have an issue.

Yeah, the tree thing is REALLY IMPORTANT. Pick big trees, especially if you have a low cutting count... My elves said 5 trees. Damn savage wilds. I still find trading with them worthwhile, but that's usually because I just sell them junk items like stone mugs & low quality pottery. But that's because I love DF's trading system a LOT. So I tend to make a ton of trade goods. I once had a fort that had like 3-4 caravans a season. Elves tend to get my lowest-quality goods, so long as they aren't clothes, animal or wood based. My trade with elves is more training for my broker & craftsdwarves than anything else. I love buying out an elven caravan for a hundred shitty bracelets, rings, & mugs.

Playing Dwarf Fortress, and so are a few of my friends now, so I figured I’d document some common pitfalls I know of, and how to avoid them.

Strange Moods:

-Best way to handle these?

First, build one of each of the following workshops: Craftsdwarfshop, Carpenter’s, Stoneworker’s, forge (either kind), jewelers, glass kiln (any kind), kiln (any kind), bowyers, mechanics, leatherworks, & clothiers. This is all the different types of workshops a dwarf may claim. Don’t worry about fueling a workshop, moods don’t need fuel.

Second, ideally try to keep a supply of at least one of the following items: A boulder, a log, a block, a bone, a cloth, metal bar, an uncut gem, a tanned hide, raw glass, and a cut gem. This is roughly all materials a dwarf may demand for their artifact. Tbh, you *can* cut gems (or polish stones) when a mood occurs, but it’s easier to keep a few on hand prior. Generally they need one item based off the workshop type they claim, then the rest seems to be somewhat random/based on their likes. Each time they collect an item for their artifact, it resets the timer for insanity. Generally in my experience dwarves really tend to grab boulders a LOT. But that’s based off my total experience, my recent experience has been a lot of bars, so it depends on what the dwarf’s workshop chosen is. I’ve been having a lot more metal required because most of my artifacts have come from my metalsmiths

If they’ve been standing at the workshop for a while, bring up their menu and see if they’re crafting the object, or shouting. If they’re shouting, it will cycle through hints or outright stating what the dwarf wants for their artifact. Generally artifacts are WORTH getting a hold of because it gives the dwarf a significant skill boost & a high value item. Worst case you put it in a display case somewhere to boost room value

Animals:

-My animal starved to death!

This only happens to grazers. You need to set up a pasture somewhere with some kind of growth on the soil. At the beginning you’re going to be limited to the green surface grass. If you want to keep them underground, you’re going to have to dig into one of the caverns, which will trigger some sort of fungal growth on underground natural tiles within your fort. Surprisingly as it may seem, this is perfectly safe for your farm animals to eat. Generally a rule of thumb is, if it is egg laying, or smaller than a dog, it is not a grazer, and does not need soil/some grass like substance to survive.

-My animal starved to death in a cage. Why won’t my dwarves move it!

So, going with the above, a pasture zone must be marked, and then animals must be assigned to those areas. After setting up a pasture, click the icon with a plus over a horse to assign animals to it. Any semi-domesticated animal can be assigned to a pasture.

-Why won’t my chickens lay eggs

They need a nest box to lay eggs in. Generally place a pasture somewhere (I like to do it underground as I have yet to find a grazing egg-layer) and build nest boxes there. Dwarves will automatically harvest eggs from the boxes, including fertile ones which may make farming for leather/meat harder. You can seal the room and forbid entry until the eggs hatch, and then forbid them, or have no stockpiles accepting eggs. Then eggs will only be taken by cooks, and only when they’re cooking.

Migrants:

If you are struggling attracting migrants, a major factor is your exports. Basically fortress wealth, and wealth exported are two of the factors that determine your migrant waves, the last factor is the health of your civilization, which is basically just the population. Weirdly enough, migrants are built different, as I’ve played in dying civs (one SURFACE fort with 20 dwarves, this was the only NPC settlement for my Civ) and had migrant waves of 30+ dwarves. Basically the more high value goods you make, and the more you trade them, particularly with the home caravan, the more migrants you’ll get.

Children:

Dwarves only produce children if they’re married, and the parents have time to… get intimate. Fortunately the getting intimate is more “having idle time in a bedroom together” at which point, if it’s a married male/female pair, the female will become pregnant. The game does not display information on pregnancy at all, and all pregnant creatures will just carry on their normal business until they give birth, at which point a dwarf will abandon her current task to “seek infant” at which point they will pop out a baby, you will get a notification of this, and they will pick the child up and go back to doing tasks. Dwarves are capable of having multiples, and I have seen twins, triplets, and even a very weird case of quadruplets… which is its own story.

Trading:

Of the four types of civilizations that exist, you can trade with 3 of them. Elves trade in the spring, humans in the summer, and dwarves in the autumn. Each offer different advantages… mostly… to trading with them.

-Elves:

Generally the most annoying and least useful trading partners. Trading them anything made from wood or an animal product upsets them, instantly ending the trades, and sending them home. If this happens enough, they will declare war and begin sieging your fort. Generally elves are great for selling low-quality stone, (green) glass, or metal objects to. Silk and cloth can be safely traded, but yarn cannot. Generally it’s best practice to only trade rock, green glass, and metal objects to avoid offending them. Due to elves not sending merchant nobles to negotiate, they have no export requests for better trading, and you cannot request imports from them. Despite this, they can make an excellent source of exotic animals, cheap barrels, or offer a way to trade rock crafts for food.

-Humans

Humans know a good deal, and actually care about trade. Humans tend to reach out among the first outsider civs to trade with you. They don’t always send a merchant nobles, but once you have a baron or higher, they tend to much more frequently. Humans are amazing trading partners as they offer unique trading resources from dwarves. They have no offendable rules either, but they actually do defend their goods. They can be reliable for exporting in rare crops, seeds, or other materials, and they will happily trade you pretty much anything they have access to. So while you can’t get steel from them, you can get surface crops, more varied animals, and bladeweed dye and other fabrics.

-Dwarves

Without player intervention, you will only usually receive a Dwarven caravan from your home Civ. You can by contacting other Dwarven civs get other civs to send merchants to your fort as well. Dwarven caravans are much like human caravans, but carry steel. They also only carry crops and items unique to their Civ, which is usually pretty much exactly the same as yours. Dwarves do also send merchants to negotiate import/export deals as well, notably the outpost liaison being your factions representative.

-Getting new trading partners

Send a squad out to an uncontacted Civ and set the mission to “demand one-time tribute” civs either pay the tribute, or reject it, and it seems to have little impact on the civ’s opinion of you/your fort. Once this is done, they can start, and often do, sending caravans your way when the correct season starts.

-Getting better trade goods/merchant nobles

Traders bring more goods the more profitable trading was with you historically. So the more you trade, the more they bring. So if a trader brings nothing of interest to you, you buy nothing, and they leave, next year, they are likely to bring even LESS. So to prevent this, it can be a good idea to buy things even if they aren’t that useful. I commonly try to buy all the food I can from the merchants, as I can usually use it, and it encourages the merchants to take more items, which can end up being items like codexes/scrolls that I really want. Likewise the more successful the trades are, the more likely they are to send a noble for trade agreements. They don’t always send them though, so it is possible to miss them for a few years, even when trading seems to be going fine.

Hospitals:

-You will need a hospital before you think you do. But you do not need a Good one really. A basic hospital is something like a few beds & tables in a room together. You should also have a water source, some buckets, a textile industry, and some splints/canes. The only specialty thing you really need is a single traction bench. Just make a table, rope and mechanism, and combine them for a traction bench at a mechanics. Soap isn’t strictly necessary early on, nor is having security in the hospital. Bleeding out on the hospital floor is a major improvement to bleeding out anywhere else.

-Soap

It reduces infections and will lower mortality rates, but generally a hospital itself will do a more significant job at that. Still if you need to make it, you need at least 5 buildings roughly. Soap needs lye, which needs ash and needs to be made in an Ashery and a wood furnace respectively. Soap also needs either an oil, or a tallow. Oil is made at a screw press from certain plants, tallow is made at a kitchen from roasting fat. Fat is gathered at a butcher from butchering (animal) corpses

This is it for part 1. If there’s other questions or tips, I can do a part 2

Please tell I’m not the only one who instantly thought of this