“The Beat Of Broken Jazz”

My Dearest L...

It's 5:49am and I went through a nether bipolar episode I'm so sad that I'm in this bed all alone with none to catch me when I fall. Time goes by while everyone has someone and I have none....I always used to think you and my sister would be alone and I'd be the happy one but who was I kidding I'm not that lucky...

MY DEAREST L…

Gotta love it when a manic ep hits at 3am....

My Dearest L...

I have this smoking habit that I'm trying to stop, but then I don't know why I'd stop when we're all going to die one day. do I have to stop because I want a few long years to live or should I stop because I want to be old enough to see my grandchildren? then comes the question will I ever have grandchildren? I'm single right now, correction I have "someone" but I don't know how long it's going to last cause it a long-distance R-ship and everyone knows how they tend to go. My longest one was I think a year long. I know this is going to sound bad to me. but don't judge till you know the whole story boys and girls. but I have this boy I started seeing before covid and I was already in my online R-ship but this guy was here in my home town and he knew I had the online boyfriend but I am yet to tell my online boyfriend about him, not because I don't want him knowing I just don't know how he's going to act knowing I have 2 boyfriends and NO I'M NOT A PLAYER.....I'm just poly and my online boyfriend knows I am. but now the boy that lived close to me. went home to Mexico for x-mas and he has not come back, I talk to him everyday. he told me he'd be back at the beginning of Jan but now it's the middle of Feb and I have two online R-ships and I'm left cold and alone in bed at night in the....dark...with my panic attacks...and my nightmares...to suffer all alone...in a cold beddd.

My Dearest L...

Have you ever felt as if time wasn’t real? Sometimes I wish I knew why I was put on this earth at this point. Was there ever a real reason why I am here. Bec I would like to know why I have had to go through so much fucking pain in my life. Was there ever a reason for every time I have broken my heart and cried myself to sleep every night for weeks at a time...

MY DEAREST L…

Ever just want to escape to I different time in the world? well I do, I wish I could go back to the 1800s when the light was nothing but an open candle flame and beds were made of the finest satin in the world, a time when love was actually love and guy's were begging to be held in the arms of anyone that would love them when even the moon longed for company.

Do you think the sun is as lonely as the moon? or do you think they are okay with being apart, I mean, I know the moon has her stars and the sun has his clouds but sometimes you just need more than that.

Ever sit in your room and smell something bad so you get up and look around your room for the smell and can't find it but it's following you around and you're just left standing there and are like "WTF IS THAT SMELL??!?!?!" then you realize that it's you that smells like shit.....

My Dearest L...

It’s 5 am and I can find a way to fall asleep tonight. I’m supposed to take my sleeping pills, but they don’t seem to be working. How can I depend on these pills to drive me into a slumber now when 12 months about I could sleep on my own how did I get to this point???

MY DEAREST L…

I wanted to come on here and talk with you. it's been a while since the last time we chatted so I thought maybe you would like to hear from me. let's see how have I been doing? well, in all honesty, I've prob been worse than I am tonight, but just like any other time I'm stuck I'm my head.... not too sure why though...no that's a lie I know why I'm just not comfortable sharing it on here at the moment bec of preying eyes. but that's all I have to say for now.

My Dearest L...

Well it's 6:21am and I'm still up... ever feel as if you're just wasting your life away? like your waiting for that one person to just come into your life that will make it something again, get you off your bed, make you feel something again... I wonder where that person is for me sometimes... I sit in my room day after day sleeping my whole day away never seeing sunlight very much anymore only the very few seconds I get when I pop my sleeping in the morning the sun jumps through my window crack. other than that I just don't see it, I try to think that maybe I'll actually get up and do something beautiful with my life but honestly I just don't have the energy for that stuff right now. all my friends moved away or just didn't talk to me anymore. I only have the ones on my phone but who wants to stare at a screen all the time you know. I forgot how to even make friends like how do I put effort to put myself out there when none wants to even get to know me? I just don't really attract people I guess... anyway I'm off to bed now. see ya on the flipside!!!