Theresstillsomethingimustdo - Rb!

A first meeting 2/?

People are like “it’s so beautiful no clouds at all” it could use a little clouds if I had to be honest.

did you know that i love her?

margaret houlihan ⋆ girlfriend is better

From the wind, I learned a syntax for forwardness, how to move through obstacles by wrapping myself around them. You can make it home this way. 

- Ocean Vuong, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous: A Novel (Penguin Press, June 4, 2019)

Thinking out loud

Ornements de la Chine : recueil de dessins pour l'art et l'industrie - Eugène Collinot et Adalbert de Beaumont - 1883 - via Gallica 

Hello again, I have something to say about the way you post Gojo and Geto's relationship. I hope im not bothering you, and I'll try not to repeat myself

I reread the scene where Gojo and Geto were dancing together (chap. 3) and I think you did a very good job expressing how, despite their closeness, they weren't able to truly reach their hearts (it's not possible due to their line of work)

I think you did it very creatively when you used mathematical metaphors

(you used other metaphors I just forgot to make a screenshot of them :'D)

I think it gives a really clear image of how, despite Gojo's efforts (or anyone's efforts really) he's not able to touch their heart, he only sees with his six eyes the "skin" (soul) but not the "blood"(heart).

Even when it comes to Geto, the one he considers and equal and deeply loves (whether it is romantically or platonically), he's not able to fully understand him, despite Geto displaying himself "naked" in front of Gojo. Despite them not having boundaries, there's a space between them no matter how much Geto tries to reach for Gojo's heart. Gojo will always be a step ahead from him, because he didn't allow himself to connect with anybody. (I think the way you worded it could mean that Gojo has his infinity on, which also represents that protective barrier he has put for himself to avoid anybody trying to reach his heart willingly or unwillingly).

ALSO, you portrayed very well the miscommunication in their relationship and how they never addressed their feelings for each other in this screenshot, with these particles that denote ambiguity:

it's never clear to us (well, it is, they love each other, we all know, but Gege's intention was it not to be clear for us) or for Gojo and Geto themselves. They don't talk about it. They can't. They can't allow themselves to be vulnerable and love each other. Not the strongest sorcerers. Not when love is a weakness. Yet... they still want to be close. They still fight to reach for one and others' heart, but Gojo does not allow Geto in. He can't do that, not to the one he loves.

It's like Gojo knows that Geto is not as emotionally detached as he is and doesn't want to destroy that, not Geto's biggest virtue.

(They were so doomed omg☠️)

Hello think you for sending more comments, I'll try my best to give you detailed author's notes since you put so much thought into your comments.

reread the scene where Gojo and Geto were dancing together (chap. 3) and I think you did a very good job expressing how, despite their closeness, they weren't able to truly reach their hearts (it's not possible due to their line of work)

One of the main themes I wanted to cover in this fic is Gojo and Geto's inability to understand one another despite the fact fact they are each other's one and only friend they can never be more because they don't understand each other. It's like, one theme I tried to get across in this fic is Gojo has a god complex, and he sees Geto as the same as him and he can't comprehend that Geto is only human and can have human flaws and do bad things like any other human. Because Gojo sees himself as fundamentally above others.

He also misunderstands why Geto makes him feel accepted. The real reason is that Geto sees Gojo as a person and accepts him for who he is, but Gojo believes it's because someone who is the strongest they are each other's one and only equal. Something he doesn't realize until the end of Jujutsu Kaisen because he tried to find understanding and satisfaction but he couldn't find it in Sukuna who was the only one as powerful as him and then he confesses to Geto in the afterlife that the only thing that would have satisfied him if Geto was still alive and said goodbye to him. And this is Geto in his monk robes who already fell and became a curse user Gojo would still accept all of him.

I think this quote beautifully sums up my attitude towards Gojo and Geto's relationship, about their fundamental ability to touch each other no matter how much they reach out.

Someone who doesn't want to be saved is like the setting sun sinking into the mountains. No matter how you hold out your hand, there's no way to reach them. There was no way to reach him. It doesn't matter how strong you are, so long as you are alone.

Which is why the fic is called Expoential Decay because as you observed an asymptote is a metaphor for the infinity that doesn't allow anyone to ever touch Gojo. Also since this a post Hidden Inventory fic, Gojo now has his infinity up all the time which makes him even more different from Geto. Whereas in the past he used to drop his infinity because he trusted Geto to protect him.

I also wanted to show neither of them are able to deal with their trauma or even be open and honest about it with each other, which causes Gojo to drift away from Geto and be blind to Geto's mental spiral and the first cracks in their friendship are showing now. Yet they both continue to look away because they're so desperate to hang on to each other they don't want to acknowledge there's a problem.

ven when it comes to Geto, the one he considers and equal and deeply loves (whether it is romantically or platonically), he's not able to fully understand him, despite Geto displaying himself "naked" in front of Gojo. Despite them not having boundaries, there's a space between them no matter how much Geto tries to reach for Gojo's heart. Gojo will always be a step ahead from him, because he didn't allow himself to connect with anybody. (I think the way you worded it could mean that Gojo has his infinity on, which also represents that protective barrier he has put for himself to avoid anybody trying to reach his heart willingly or unwillingly).

Geto wants to confide in Gojo and is probably more open to him than anyone else, but Gojo's inability to see himself as human and accept human weakness makes him fundamentally able to see that Geto is legitimately struggling. As I mentioned above Gojo was satisfied by Geto not because they were equal in strength but because Geto is the first person to ever treat him as well... a person. I think Geto wants to be seen as a person too, to be loved in spite of his flaws, to be able to show weakness in front of Gojo but Gojo is deliberately blind to that.

As I said that Gojo does accept Geto in the end but doesn't realize it until late in life, just as Geto thought their friendship was over after he defected but actually Gojo's feelings never changed in all that time. They both have a fundamental misunderstanding of one another, because they're both insecure about their relationship and don't want to talk. I think they're both afraid of being rejected by the other too, if Geto rejected Gojo there would be no one left to understand him and vice versa.

In some ways, Geto and Yuuta were the same. Geto was too sincere. To someone like him, the reality that the world of sorcerers presented to him was just too cruel.

'...that in a world like this, I couldn't be truly happy from the bottom of my heart.' To live for the purpose of being yourself. And for that goal, Geto could only continue to pursue his twisted dream, drowning himself in the curse that lies in the gap between ideal and reality. This was the final confession of a man who could only choose to warp himself, who had erased himself in pursuit of his goals. The only person who could bear such a curse was Gojo Satoru.

Another quote from the Jujutsu Kaisen light novel proving that in the end their insecurities that ruined their relationships were unfounded, Gojo accepted everything about Geto. But Geto couldn't see that until he was literally on his death bed.

It's never clear to us (well, it is, they love each other, we all know, but Gege's intention was it not to be clear for us) or for Gojo and Geto themselves. They don't talk about it. They can't. They can't allow themselves to be vulnerable and love each other. Not the strongest sorcerers. Not when love is a weakness. Yet... they still want to be close. They still fight to reach for one and others' heart, but Gojo does not allow Geto in. He can't do that, not to the one he loves.

I think that's what it ultimately comes down to, Gojo and Geto love each other but they can't show their weakness in front of the other. Geto hides his mental spiral from Gojo for a whole year, and Gojo can't see it because he thinks Geto's place is standing on top of other people with him. Gojo is unable to see his own humanity which makes him unable to see Geto's humanity also and his human weaknesses.

At the same time, I portray Geto as the most painfully human character in the story despite the inhuman acts of cruelty he's capable of committing. It's his inability to divorce himself from his own humanity and his inability to exist in a dehumanizing system that kills him eventually.

I also wanted to display Geto's deep ability to sympathize with others, which is why he notices Michi's distress and he's the only one to reach out to him whereas Gojo actively bullies Michi for his weakness and has like almost zero sympathy for him despite the fact they're family. At the same time, Michi tries really hard to see Gojo as a human being and understand him even though he has a difficult time.

Gojo just can't connect to others because he can't get over himself, that's the central theme of this fic lol.

zabuza & haku / shape of my heart

battle of wills

Sae wants to act funny, but he doesn’t know you’re about to act hilarious.

wc — 2.7k

tags — romantic mind games, thinking of Sae like a predator that plays with his food, jealousy, possessiveness

“I don’t care who you fuck,” he says with a shrug. “We’re not dating.” 

Your hands still on the collar of his shirt that you’re smoothing down. It’s ten minutes before your dinner reservation, which means you’re going to be late, but you know the maître d' so it should be fine. It would be, if Sae didn’t insist on opening his fat mouth once a week to try to break your heart so he can prove to himself that he’s not invested. 

He’s not fooling anyone. You know you have him, hook, line, and sinker. When you made that joke about getting Kaiser’s number, it was just a joke. You didn’t even say you wanted to sleep with him! Sae came up with that implication all by himself. 

You have three options and only a few seconds to decide. Sweat beads on your forehead. You can practically see the timer run out, like an imaginary game with a big fat red buzzer letting you know you failed.

You can: 

a) say “we’re not dating?” in a whiny little broken voice and make it obvious you liked Sae more than he liked you 

b) sit in silence and make it awkward like you are currently doing 

c) fuck around and find out

So you only have one option, really. You’re not a coward, so it can’t be b, and you’d rather choke on your fancy steak tonight and die then ever let a man think he played you and got away with it. 

“Cool,” you say. “I’ll let Kaiser know he has your permission.” 

You’re joking, but you don’t think he is. 

“Cool,” Sae replies, but he’s so disinterested that you think he didn’t even hear the last half of your sentence. 

Dinner is great even though Sae is an asshole because he somehow still makes it fun to be with him. Your friends all ask you why you want him. They don’t see what you see; they think you’re just after the football fame, the fortune, the model like beauty. 

You’re a little more twisted than that. 

When you press your patent heel up against Sae’s calf, he doesn’t even flinch. He takes a long, slow draught of water - because he doesn’t drink alcohol, which is deliriously sexy to you for some reason - and raises an eyebrow at you. Everything about him is cool and collected, even when you inch higher and higher until you’re practically right between his legs. 

His hand slips under the table, grabs your ankle, and repositions it on his lap. He doesn’t spare a thought for how your dirty shoes are on his nice slacks. When you try to retract your foot because this is dangerous, this is not what you expected, his hand locks you in place. 

He holds your eye across the table. You wanted this, his eye contact says. Be good and take it. 

Sae is hard to read. 

He can be so apathetic, so indifferent to your words, and then draw warm, lazy circles on your pulse with his thumb. He looks mildly amused when your brain short circuits in the middle of your sentence, every neuron redirected to the feeling of his hand on your ankle, soaking in heat from his palm. 

You want to pull him apart and see what makes him tick. For you, love is almost like dissection. You want to be able to know him so intimately no one else will ever be able to say they come close. 

Although he apparently doesn’t feel the same about you. 

Knowing Sae is a rare privilege all in itself. You thought you were content. When you first met him, that’s all it was: fun. You liked pulling him apart and putting him back together, figuring out which parts of Sae were real and which were a front. But now, after a few months, you’re hooked. It’s become more than a game. It’s an addiction. 

The more he rejects you, the more you want him. 

You don’t think you’ve ever been this pathetic in your life. You’ve never chased anyone the way you’ve done for him. 

It’s killing you to think about the numbers he’s done on your reputation. Your friends already think you’re whipped. 

You’re afraid to admit they’re right, and that’s the real reason you’re upset about what he said earlier. You never thought you were dating but you thought - 

Ugh. You don’t know why you expected him to care. 

Sae is, if an asshole, also a gentleman, so he pays for dinner and sends you home in an Uber on his card. 

You smile pleasantly until you get into the car and then you’re practically tearing your hair out. You need to make him regret this. 

So obviously the question now is who would make Sae the sickest to find out you got with? Who would have that man holding his stomach in tears? 

Shidou is too obvious and also you doubt that Sae would care. In a funny way, Shidou is the least you can do to him. 

Oliver? No, he’s too much of a slut. This needs to be a hit and run, an attack, but targeted. Aiku is just too easy to make Sae feel anything besides mild annoyance that you fucked his captain. 

You’d have to butter Kaiser up before you even got near him, and besides, Sae didn’t even react when you brought him up earlier. 

Your brain flinches away from Rin’s face when it pops up in your brain like you touched a hot stove, a solid rejection you don’t even have to think about. 

No. 

It hurts too much. You’re angry but you still care about Sae. This is- 

You want to piss him off, not hurt him irrevocably. Dating Rin right after not-dating him would be something the two of you couldn’t come back from. 

Even if Sae likes to pretend he’s not sensitive when it comes to his little brother, you know better. 

Back to the drawing board. 

The most important part is that Sae can’t know you’re trying to make him jealous, so it has to come up organically. You’re aiming for a teammate because you need someone who will talk about it in Sae’s locker room, someone who can get it to Sae without making it too obvious. 

All paths lead to Oliver Aiku. 

Unfortunately. 

You don’t even know if this is going to work. 

“Just so you know,” you tell him, “you weren’t my first choice.”

“Aw, why?” He asks. “You don’t think I’ll get Sae mad enough?” 

“Are you kidding me? If anything, he’s going to think I’ve lowered my standards! He’s not going to regret losing me, he’s going to think that I’m so pathetic his little rejection sent me off the deep end!” 

“But then he’ll be right,” Oliver says. “Considering he did lower your standards and send you off the deep end. You’re standing in my living room right now, aren’t you?” 

You squint at him. “And I can walk right back out, so don’t test me.” 

“Don’t be like that,” Oliver purrs. “I’m great at making men jealous.” 

“I’m not sure that’s something to be proud of.” 

"Don't worry, sweetheart. I’m going to take you somewhere your man couldn’t even dream of taking you.” 

“Oliver, this is a Wendy’s.” 

“Sae would never dream of taking you here,” he shrugs. “Wow, good bite! You’re great at eating.” 

“Okay, one, that’s a weird thing to say, and two, I’m going to go find someone else if you can’t help me. I know you can’t help yourself but since I’m your friend, I thought at the very least, you would try not to waste my time.” 

“Yeesh, calm down-“ 

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” 

“My bad,” he says cheerfully. “Trust me, I have a plan.” 

“I don’t trust you,” you say pointedly, narrowing your eyes at him. 

He ignores you. “What makes a man angrier than thinking you moved on?” 

“Moving on with his rival?” 

“Close. Thinking he never had you. See, Sae takes you on these fancy dates to high end restaurants and museums and what not. But you know how he is. He’s with you but he’s not really with you. You gotta beat him at his own game. Let him think that you were just indulging him when really this is what you want.” He scoots his chair closer to you until you can practically feel the warmth of him radiating through his thin shirt. His cologne smells like jasmine, a strangely delicate scent for him. “Make him feel like he never really knew you, because I’m the one who does.” 

You breathe in the scent of his feminine cologne, stalling. It would be so easy to listen to Oliver. It would be so easy to let him in your heart. He knows what to say and when to say it. 

In a way, he does know you. 

Familiarity is unavoidable with time, and you’ve been friends of circumstance for ages. 

“You just wanted an excuse to take me to Wendy’s,” you say with a fake laugh that is so perfected, you can only pick up the stilted quality of it if you really, really listen. 

He pulls out of your space a little, a smile playing on his lips. “You know me so well. That too.” 

Oliver knows you a little too well. He says the right things at the right times because he’s telling you what you want to hear. 

Are you destined to be toyed with by beautiful football players? 

In the car on the way back to your house, Oliver texts you. “Get him back for me, playa.”  

In the locker room, Oliver doesn’t start the conversation because that would be too obvious. He’s a respectful man, he doesn’t kiss and tell. It would be out of character for him to start bringing up last night’s exploits and Sae would catch on instantaneously. 

He waits until Sendou, not subtly, tries to ask him who that pretty girl he posted last night was. 

“Are you sure that was a girl? Aiku never posts who he’s with. It was probably his sister.” 

Oliver doesn’t see who said that, but he doesn’t take offense. Again, he doesn’t kiss and tell. Whoever he’s with is a secret. 

He lets them simmer for a little bit more before he casually drops your name, saying it was just a friendly meal. Out of the corner of his eye, Sae stops putting on his shirt. 

“I’ll say,” Sendou says. “You took her to Wendy’s? That’s foul even for you.” 

“Maybe she likes Wendy’s,” Aiku says. “You don’t know her.” 

Although that last part isn’t really directed at Sendou. 

It’s rare for Sae to willingly open social media, but here he is, scrolling through Oliver’s story. Your face is never in any of the pictures, but he can tell. You’re- 

His brain stutters to a halt. 

You’re wearing the necklace he bought you on a date with another man.

There’s only one picture left in Oliver’s stories from last night, but of course that demon would’ve saved the best for last. It’s a simple shot. You’re sitting outside somewhere, under the stars. His hand is holding yours from across the table, your arm stretched out towards him. It’s the only one with a sliver of your face in it, the edge of a sweet, tender smile. 

Sae doesn’t fight. He’s not the type. But over you? 

He fights the only way he knows how. Through football. 

When Sae calls you after practice, you fumble your phone so hard it drops out of your hands and into the sink. You had fun with Oliver last night, but deep down, you didn’t really think Sae would care, as much as you wanted him to. It’s just the way he is. 

By the time you fish your phone out, it’s making strange noises and unable to return Sae’s call. You don’t feel like going out today after your wild night - crying onto Aiku’s shoulder through mouthfuls of French fries - so you resolve to pick a new one up tomorrow. 

Sae will wait. He’s very patient. 

Sae shows up on your doorstep within thirty minutes of your denied call. He lives twenty minutes away, if he speeds. 

Now he’s sitting in your living room, drinking water from your favorite mug while you squirm uncomfortably. He, on the other hand, seems content to sit in silence. 

“You hung out with Aiku last night,” he says. 

Now that he’s actually in the room, you feel like you did something wrong. It’s insane how much influence Sae has over you. He hurt you, but retaliation somehow feels like getting caught with your hand in a cookie jar. 

“Yes,” you mumble. 

“Hm? Speak up.” 

“So what if I did?” 

Sae raises an eyebrow. “Nothing. I don’t mind who you hang out with.” 

“Fine,” you say. “Guess I’ll hang out with him again. Since you don’t care.” 

His mouth curls into a smile behind his mug. That motherfucker. It’s ticking you off. He’s so in control of himself, so smug and pleased and - 

“Do you want to be my girlfriend?” 

“You know, since you care so much- huh?” 

“Do you want to start dating?” He rephrases patiently. 

You stammer for a bit before you’re able to reply coherently. “I thought you didn’t want to.” 

“Did I say that?” 

“Yes,” you hiss. “You made it very clear.” 

“I don’t remember saying that,” he says and sets his mug down. When he stands, terror rises in you. He’s coming over. He’s sitting back on his haunches in front of you on the couch, eye to eye. “I just said that we weren’t dating. But I’d like to.” 

“You only want me because I was with another man,” you say faintly. You’re trying to act cute, playful, but you’re not sure it’s working. There’s not enough blood going to your brain. 

“You want me to beg, don’t you?” 

You can’t deny how excited that makes you. Part of it is the way he says it, his voice slow and measured, deepening near the end. Part of it is just hearing ‘beg’ come out of Sae’s mouth. 

“Okay, then. You don’t like Wendy’s.” 

God, you hate men. Who cares about Wendy’s? Why do they always argue about this? Oliver and Sae both-

“You like the places we go. You like,” he tugs lightly on your necklace in a way that stops just shy of stinging. “The way I spoil you.” He pushes you back onto the couch and leans over you. “You like the way I know,” his nose brushes over the carotid artery in your neck, “what makes you feel good.” 

“So I can beg if you want me to.” He’s all in your space, filling it up. All you can smell and feel and see is Sae. You feel paralyzed by his eyes. Devoured whole. “I can get on my knees for you and let you put a leash around my neck and promise that you can have anything you want from me. But let’s not pretend that you want anyone else but me.” 

Okay. So maybe you do care about Wendy’s. 

“Aiku thinks he knows you,” Sae says, his voice calm and easy. It’s like he’s laying out a mathematical formula instead of confessing his love, but it’s so Sae. “He doesn’t. I know you.” 

You whimper. 

Sae laughs dryly. 

You don’t sleep in your own bed that night. Sae drives you both back to his apartment, insists on brushing your teeth for you with the toothbrush he bought for you, and does your skincare routine before he tucks you into bed. 

You’re half asleep when he says, “You think you’re so clever, don’t you?” 

“Huh?” You mumble, facedown in his pillow. It smells like him. 

Sae leans over so he can kiss your forehead. When he whispers, it’s directly in your ear. “You think you tied me down, huh?” 

You’re wide awake now. “Obviously,” you snap back, annoyed that he’s still trying to play these games. You know he’s not indifferent to you, you just wish he would- 

“No, dear,” Sae says. The pet name sends chills down your spine. “I trapped you.” 

cyanometer  for measuring the  blueness of the sky

1789