I Tried Getting You Off My Thoughts, Out Of My Head And Burned All That's Left With Sage. It Was Supposed

It would be a lie if I said I didn't try. Maybe it was late, but it was worth saving. You were worth saving. And sometimes you have to walk away, even from things you love most so that you can save yourself before anything, or anyone else. Is that selfish? Perhaps, but I can never be selfish when it comes to you. So I walked into the forest, danced through fire, breathed air that felt like poison, drank lies, mostly the ones I told myself, slept in cold, lay myself bare, only to find you. And I found you by breaking myself apart. It would be a lie if I said I didn't try...

© Raina Rose.

"The night has a thousand eyes,

And the day but one;

Yet the light of the bright world dies,

With the dying sun.

The mind has a thousand eyes,

And the heart but one:

Yet the light of a whole life dies,

When love is done."

Francis William Bourdillon

You're the song I wish to fall asleep to every night. You're the song I listen to on repeat and never tire of. You're the song that keeps me company even when I'm crowded by a thousand. You're the kind of song that makes my heart flutter. You're the song I know every lyric to by heart. You're the song that gets me excited just by having the music come on through a melody. You're the song that makes me smile even when I can't. You're the song that makes me fall in love all over again. You're the song I'll dance to dressed in white with the one I've loved, for I've loved you...

© Raina Rose.

I packed my bags and got ready to leave. Took a last glimpse and kissed him on his lips. This was goodbye. I picked up my bags and started walking, wait, my hands trembled and I couldn't move. Suddenly, the brave decision I made last night crumbled to pieces as he tossed over in bed and reached out searching for me in thin air. There there love, I'm right here, where I've been, where I'll always be, right by your side even when it's killing me...

© Raina Rose.

Dear stranger,

This was what I was afraid of. Like waves that kiss the shore every now and then, though memorable, they can’t stay. After every touch, they have to retreat back into the ocean. We never quite understand if the shore was too much for the waves or if the waves lost breath upon shore. Momentary conversations and all the seashells you left for me have decorated my night sky and are some of my most treasured memories. Relatable experiences and sincere visits made me want to step back into the waters again after a long time. You made me feel that maybe the waters weren’t as scary as they’ve been described to be, and they weren’t as cold as what they may seem. Though blue and deep, it was heartfelt. Blue, the color of calmness, trust, faith, and wisdom. Your depth made me wonder what secrets you held, every visit only made me more curious than the one before. With the reflection of the sky, endless possibilities and journeys, you had me breathless. 

I wish I knew it was the glistening reflection of Sun that blinded me but I wasn’t too sure, so I ventured. You held me firmly, no doubt, but I couldn’t help falling for you. It was your love, none like the ones before that had me stunned, it was your sincerity that made me understand you cared, it was your words that had me floored. But I’m not new to giving into attachments easily, I am a sucker for love. I prepared for the fall that would approach me one day. I braced myself as you took control. I was afraid you’d let go someday, then I’d have to fall back into the chain of unending torment, self-pity and sleepless nights all over again. I’d walked away from all that hurt for the longest time and I can’t believe after everything I’ve been through, I ended up here again. I’ve been holding myself back for the longest time and I didn’t know what it felt like to be loved like that, where I wasn’t wearing a mask and wasn’t lying about myself, where someone loved me for all that I was and saw everything in me for me, as me. 

But that’s the thing with our story, while you glimmered all day, darkness and tranquility sets in as the Sun left your side. Every dusk only reminded me of all the times someone let go of my hands after venturing far into the sea. All that love and kindness did put up a fight with the walls I’ve built around my heart, but I’m glad I didn’t back down, this wasn’t a war to win, but to choose between myself and my own downfall. Though you mean no harm, it is me that I fear most. Journey to the downward spiral never did end well, having known my own demons and torments, I wouldn’t risk slipping again. As much as your darkness scares me, it is my demons that I’m more afraid of. They live inside of me, they linger, waiting for the right moment to pounce, to gain control and to never let go. They used to drive me mad, reminding me of all my attempts at happiness, all my failures, all my sins, and mistakes. Perhaps it is their faces that I see in your reflection these days.  

I hope you can forgive me one day for not returning, for moving further away, for never again being the same. Those conversations we’ve had by the shoreline will always be my favorite, for my love, those were the days I truly let myself fall without realizing. And there’s always a high in falling, but when you fall, it’s inevitable that you crash. It’s a shame it had to come to an end, the way it always does.

© Raina Rose.

I used to listen to songs when chatting with friends, sometimes the songs are on repeat and then I start associating those songs with them. Everytime the songs come on, I naturally think about them and the conversations we've had. And then one day, he left. I listened to a variety of songs from plenty of my playlists that I started losing my mind when each one came on. I deleted them all, even the ones I've loved as much as him. It was better this way, because when the songs come on and he's not there, I don't know what to do with all the useless tunes, words and melodies that rise within me. What do I do with all the love and songs left inside of me that once used to belong to us?

© Raina Rose.

His eyes held a glimpse of another world, an ocean of love; one I wish to drown in. The only thing left to do now is surrender. For to be that close to him, you can't help but fall in love, over and over again...

© Raina Rose.

Maybe I'm in a daze, not completely awake, but if I could be anywhere in the world right now, I'd be there with you...

© Raina Rose.

Monday, you promised you'd come home, the door was left open.

Tuesday, a little late but I thought I could wait.

Wednesday, I went through the laundry to find your clothes, hoping they still smelled like you.

Thursday, tasted a lot like you when I emptied the bottle of bourbon.

Friday, I was sober enough to think again but you were still missing.

Saturday, I got a call asking if I'd written the eulogy.

Sunday, I realized you were never coming home again...

© Raina Rose.

How I wish we didn’t part ways. You remain completely intact in my memories and sometimes I wish I could forget you, because it is impossible to think of you without feeling all the pain that came along with the love I once felt for you, and perhaps still do. All it took was one night, a mere six hours and I knew I’d never be the same again but I lost you as soon as I found you. It’s like feeling beautiful and complete one moment and then completely broken and lost the next. How I wish we didn’t part ways because now every time I think of you, I cry without feeling sad, I wince in a pain I do not feel and there is this emptiness in me and I feel so numb, engulfed in the darkness. Your name on my lips feels wrong, your messages don't make me smile like they used to before, your gifts seem like they were sent to me by mistake and everything keeps trying to undo itself while still being a part of me. Like they want to be set free, as though we don’t belong together anymore. Now, it feels like I have to let go even when I don’t completely want to. I fell in love and there wasn't an alternative, you walked away and I didn’t have a say, now all that’s left with me wants to quit and I won’t be holding them back either...

© Raina Rose.