Hello!

Hey!

I have some flavor of dysautonomia and had psychogenic non epileptic seizures related to the fear and adrenaline rush caused by fainting.

Focusing on my breathing, mostly in the sense of following guided meditation was a really good way to immediately make me feel floaty, distant, unfocused and then to faint.

When I'm out of breath from exercise (like walking the dog, carrying laundry) I don't notice I'm panting at all. I do have to fight that floating away feeling but it's not my biggest complaint about my body during such activity.

Very interesting?

Every time a medical professional tells me to do breathing exercises and then measures my blood pressure they freak out because I'll go from like 110/60 to 170/110 in five minutes and I keep telling them that the slow-count breathing just makes me feel dizzy and like I have to pant to make up for it after the fact.

Writing this post has been miserable because even looking at the word "breathing" this many times has made me feel like I can't catch my breath but when I walk away for a couple minutes and stop thinking about inhaling and exhaling I know I'm going to feel fine again.

I fucking hate it when that four square breathing gif circulates or when I get an ad for a relaxation game on Duolingo, that shit breaks my lungs/brain for minimum twenty minutes every time.

My family won’t support me in my vent endeavors so I pay a therapist $$$ instead.

Either way I do not leave comments on fics and only very, very, very rarely respond to the toxic slug pit that is internet discourse.

sometimes people are absolutely WILD about comments, acting like the idea that they shouldn’t be a jerk is a violation of their first amendment rights 

last week i read a fic i HATED. it was well written and highly recommended and i wish i had never read it. hours of my life i will never get back. 

i disagreed with: it’s interpretation on canon, it’s take on mental health, the social contract between loved ones, recovery, trauma, boundaries, and … more tbh

i could NOT stop thinking about how much i disagreed with it. me and this fic have philosophical differences so large i could give a ted talk and i was still super irritated about it days later. 

so you know what i did?

i called up my friends and was like “you guys have no context but i’m going to bitch about this fic you haven’t read in this fandom you haven’t consumed for the next thirty minutes” and they were like “okay sure it’s a tuesday night, we’re in a pandemic, i have nothing better to do”

what did i not do? 

leave a comment on this person’s fic because i’m a human person

"it's okay, i can peel back the layers of you until i find the soft and gentle core of you you've had to work so hard to hide"? no. no, it's okay, i know you're hollow; i'm here anyway. you don't have to pretend it isn't masks the whole way down. whatever face you want to wear, i still love you. i don't need you to be good or unflinching or the antonym of violence. if i did, i wouldn't be here. i wouldn't ask that of you.

Update:

My hysterectomy will be laparoscopic. I knew this from the beginning but did not realize until my most recent consultation that this means they will pull the uterus out in small pieces.

So no glass uterus in my future as my surgeon and I agree that, “It’s for art tho” is not a good enough reason to cut a huge whole though my abdominal wall and muscles.

And it’s also not worth the paperwork and hassle to get the shredded remains of my uterus back from the hospital. Although I do have another 3 months to think of something I might do with them.

The heart project was also never going to involve a human heart, btw.

Eventually I'm going to need some hearts and uteri for my glass art. I can't source the organs from dissection kits or anything like that because you don't want to 'cook' formaldehyde or other preservation chemicals. And I had no idea where I could get uteri from. Thanks to that goat bone ask I realized I can source from butchers / farmers in my area. I think my ask is weirder! Super thanks to you and goat bone anon!

This ask is DEFINITELY WEIRDER but congrats on realizing where you can get some fresh organs, weirdo!!!

Feel free to elaborate further in the tags, especially if you picked Option 3 because as a professor myself it MYSTIFIES me that there are students who do that! (Also, unless it is just the Culture at your school or something, you should not do that. For future reference)

I actually had no idea my screen reader wasn't picking up the fonts. The entire post was comprehensible to me and it wasn't until I went to reblog that I saw the big section of fancy font and was like "????" so then I went over the smaller sections and nope. Silent.

Had no idea I was missing out! So weird!

Why does this happen???

OPEN LETTER TO FANFICTION WRITERS ON ACCESSIBILITY; PLEASE READ.

first of all, thank you for spending your time, seldom acknowledged and definitely deserving of a compensation you are not receiving, to entertain us. i’m speaking on behalf of more than just blind readers, but everyone. you’re sick as hell.

i’ve summoned you to provide some information you may not already know. i know a lot of you like fonts. especially those who cross post their work on wattpad. i admire any and all acts of aestheticism to a degree, and can understand the desire to use them. (blind folk, sorry y’all. momma’s making a point.) 𝔰𝔱𝔲𝔣𝔣 𝔩𝔦𝔨𝔢 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔰, it’s cute. 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐟𝐟 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 is a little cuter to me, if i had to choose. or maybe 𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓁𝒾𝓀𝑒 𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓈?

now, sighted folk: if you’re on mobile, i implore you to participate in a little exercise for me. select this text and scroll through all the copy/paste/define/‘search the web’ options until you get to the speak portion. if you need to change a setting for your phone to do so, would you mind? i’d really appreciate it.

please make your phone read aloud part of my post, and be sure to include any bits with those super cute fonts. 𝕚’𝕝𝕝 𝕥𝕒𝕔𝕜 𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕠𝕟 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕖𝕟𝕕 𝕠𝕗 𝕞𝕪 𝕡𝕝𝕖𝕒, 𝕣𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥 𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖. 𝕚 𝕙𝕠𝕡𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕚𝕤 𝕥𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕤𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕔𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕖𝕔𝕥𝕝𝕪, 𝕚 𝕕𝕠𝕟’𝕥 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕝𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕠𝕟 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖 𝕤𝕢𝕦𝕒𝕟𝕕𝕖𝕣𝕖𝕕 𝕓𝕪 𝕥𝕪𝕡𝕠𝕤 𝕚 𝕔𝕒𝕟’𝕥 𝕤𝕖𝕖.

whether you participated and discovered it for yourself or you thought this was a crock of shit you’d rather not sniff, i’ll tell you! screen readers cannot dictate words using those fonts. at least, on a majority of devices. not mine, or any of my mutuals elsewhere.

you do not have to change your behavior on my behalf, but please be aware that fonts limit access to your work.

blind readers do exist, i exist, and i am bound by the same feelings of dogged longing that make other sad horny bitches read angsty, smutty, father-wounded nonsense.

thanks for making it this far. i really hope my sincerity is being conveyed, reading makes me so happy and i’m not the only person on this app who relies on accessibility settings more often than not. do with this information what you will, and have the day you deserve!

I recently realized that my ideal gender presentation, which thanks to FINALLY going on T I will eventually achieve, is what transphobes think transwomen look like.

I will likely be indistinguishable from a non-passing transwoman. I will be asked why I don’t shave if I want to be seen as a woman. Womanhood will become a gift strangers think they can bestow upon me (no thanks, don’t want, return to sender).

And this is actually a scary thought. Because, you know, with all this bathroom nonsense I’ve come to internalize the idea that despite being trans it is undisputed that I have a right to exist in the women’s bathroom and that the women’s bathroom is a safe place for me which I only avoided to sooth socially enforced gender dysphoria.

When I grow a beard that shits about to be disputed as fuck.

And also since things are so unstable, no one wants to invest in manufacturing here because the Terrifies could be struck out practically over night (or in four years) and then they'd be SOL competing with over seas again.

here's the thing about the fucking tariffs. besides Unfairly Punishing Our FUCKING ALLIES YOU MORON- okay okay. anyway. the other thing

the other thing is that we have no manufacturing here

most of the fabric I buy to make my clothes is made overseas. I would actually love to buy wool from a local, unionized woolen mill! I'd be pleased as punch to do that! it's better for the environment and creates good local jobs that don't have a barrier of entry re: college degrees, which we need more of!

except we don't have any more fucking woolen mills because your billionaire ilk outsourced all of them to avoid union rules, OSHA, and paying minimum wage, when those things became commonplace and/or law. you orange fuckface

"buy American instead!!!" okay FROM FUCKING WHERE. we don't MAKE shit here anymore. and the few remaining local producers have been forced to charge exorbitant prices because they're competing with cheap unethical labor practices from big companies, so most people can't afford to buy local

god it's all so fucking stupid and I have to suffer for other people's idiocy that I actively tried to prevent

If you want to look at some badass blown glass figures I recommend sibelley. Here's her insta.

I, too, thought it was glass for a moment.

RABBIT SEVEN BY MEGASCULPTURE

My sister is A17, maybe A40 (and everyone else in our family has blue eyes) and her husband is T50. I've desperately wanted to know what eye colors their children are likely to have.

Blue seems impossible, or, at least, extremely extremely extremely unlikely. But will the be in the T30-50 range or will my sister's blue lighten them more than that?

How do you get C40, D10, or D20?

Every eye color is so incredibly beautiful.

Natural Eye Color Chart