Oh Shush It Gets Even Better. This Weekend’s Been Extra Lonely Because Of The Holiday, And As We Speak

Literally every time I come up with an NPC on the spot they become an unoffical party mascot or some such.

That’s so valid though

i need to cave my head in with a rock that would fix me i thinmk

For real. I really should give some of those things a try, but I haven’t done any of them in so hecking long that I have a hard time remembering what they were sometimes

One thing that sucks about being autistic, especially if you're prone to masking, is that you forget certain joys specific to you. You spend so much time pursuing what others think you'll enjoy that you forget things that scratch itches only autistic people have. I just rediscovered my love of writing out lyrics to my favourite songs. I don't think it's something I can explain to neurotypicals but it's such a simple, easy joy.

Werewolf

That’s it. That’s the post. That’s all I got

What it feels like I’ve got to do just to feel decently okay about myself because life sucks sometimes. But also armor is just cool and wearing it around is fun. So there’s that aspect too. And having a cat companion (or a dog!) is just an added bonus

Ooooookay.

So this is partially the blog post I promised to my awesome mysterious tumblr mutual @lostclouds-world and partially an autism issue rant. If you don’t want to deal with that kind of stuff go ahead and skip this one.

So my friend that I’ve caught feelings for, has also told me numerous times that if I ever needed to talk that she’d listen. Well, of course I took that at face value, and because of how crappy this week has been mentally and lots of things bothering me, I finally caved and just poured it all out, including how I feel. It felt great to get everything off my chest, but I almost immediately felt like I had made some sort of mistake. It was so unfair of me to just put that all out there, even though I’d been told if I needed to I could.

Well it took almost all day for her to respond, and it turns out I was flipping right. I had once again apparently overstepped, and overshared. I had no shot to begin with, and now I’m not even sure I’ve got a friend because I was having a mini-crisis and turned to someone who had consistently told me that I could go to them if I needed to get stuff off my chest. So that’s that part. Now for the rant.

So why the flip do I even trust anyone when they say they’ll be there for me anymore? That every time someone says that if I need to talk, that they’ll listen? Pretty much every time I trust that, it turns out to be a lie. And why the flip do they try to assume that I want them to fix it?? Like if I’m talking to someone about something I don’t want them to fix it, I just want them to listen. I’m capable of dealing with crap myself, but talking it out helps. I swear sometimes I really hate being autistic because I can’t ever seem to be able to understand what people actually mean. And more importantly, why the flip do neurotypical people say things they don’t mean?? Like just say exactly what you mean, not what you think you should say. I’d have a lot more respect for people if that was how it worked.

But it’s not how it works, and so I’m stuck in a seemingly endless loop of trusting people only to be told that they’re not my therapist. Like you bitch of course you’re not my therapist. You’re my flipping friend, and YOU TOLD ME I COULD TRUST YOU IF I NEEDED TO TALK. But when I actually need to talk, it’s always either “I’m not equipped to handle this” or some variation of “I’m not your therapist”. Like cool, I wish I would’ve known you didn’t actually intend to just listen and let me rant BEFORE I came to you to rant.

And you know what, maybe it is just my fault for ranting to them in the first place. Yet when I talked to my therapist about wanting friends who will listen and be there for me while not trying to fix my problems for me, I was told BY MY THERAPIST that I needed to find friends who would do that. And how the flip am I supposed to do that without trusting my friends? I swear that I’m going to lose my mind if even one more person that tells me I can talk to them when I need to about whatever I’m going through only to turn around and act like I’m overstepping a boundary. People can really frigging suck without being a horrible person.

Like I’ve had a lot of good friends who are usually good people that I trusted only to then essentially lose them because I talk to them about whatever I’m going through, good or bad. So I’m questioning why the flip I even try to trust people anymore. Maybe it’s because I like trusting people to be good people, or maybe it’s because I can’t seem to not take people’s words at face value. Either way, it’s just another way my autism is alienating me from those close to me. And I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault somehow because I just trust people’s word and take them at face value. I wish I wasn’t like this and that I could just be normal and not struggle with this stupid part of living. I swear eventually the only people I will ever interact with is random people on the internet. Anyway, rant over. Thanks for coming, I’ll see y’all whenever. Hope y’all are doing better than I am

Me when my friend says they finished writing another chapter of their book but I can’t read it yet

Literally couldn’t be me right now with my best friend who has shown me nothing but respect since I’ve met her. Sometimes I hate having feelings lol

"Have you been avoiding me?"

"What?! Me? Nah… it's not like i, uh, caught feeling for you and now I'm having literally the worst existential crisis ever" starts hyperventilating "what reason could i possibly have to avoid YoU" chuckles awkwardly while trying to catch his breath

Real. I don’t really use anything else so if tumblr dies I’m gone

"if tumblr dies you can find me on bluesky" "if tumblr dies you can find me on Instagram" if tumblr dies you cannot find me. It's over. I'm free.

I finally got around to watching Secret Level, and boy was I not disappointed by the Warhammer 40K episode. Having only gotten into 40K within the last year, I gotta say that Daemon had such a cool design, but there was no way it had a chance against my boy Titus. Like I’m sorry. I may be new but even I know that named characters in this setting are not going to lose to some unnamed enemy.