when the camellia blooms | pjm
sypnosis: diagnosed with the hanahaki disease, you had only two options - accept a deathly fate, or never love again.
genre: au, angst, fluff, humor, friends to lovers? maybe.
warnings: many talks of death and dying, namjoon is the sweetest brother omg, unrequited love, swearing, pining, longing, fictional added terms and effects of the hanahaki disease, really sad reader, really sad characters, and lots of angst.
word count: (read author's note)
reminder: this is a sequel. please read part one here; however, this also could serve as a stand-alone, but I would advise you read the first part as well for the full experience.
a/n: i was mauling for a long long long time over whether i should do three parts at most or just keep this one really lengthy, and since i was afraid of losing track if i chose to cut it in parts again, i just decided to make this one quite a bit long. sorry!
"let me try to love you back to life."
"Is that what you think?"
You remember the long pause before your response, a deafening silence amidst the growing tense and suffocating air that evening as you spoke.
You had known then that Jimin regretted what he said the moment he did, but it was too late. He’s already said it, and he’s hurt you.
Jimin looks at you with ache as you stare accordingly at the blank wall, noticing the way your eyes have begun to well up in tears as the familiar feeling of tightness succumbs your throat, light feathers of pink flowers forcefully being swallowed down, "Do you think that I don't remember? That I simply don't care? That I'm just on the fence playing peek-a-boo with death on my door?"
Focusing on you with a heart contrite, Jimin places his bottom lip in between his teeth, eyes meshed together amongst sorrow as he swallows in shame, feeling completely guilty at his preceding words.
"y/n I-"
You then laugh ironically, halting him to a stop.
"Forgive me, Jimin."
Your throat is furthermore burning by each passing second as you direct your gaze at the cause of your painful love, "Forgive me if I prefer to want to spend my last days in peace with the acceptance of my crushing fate. Forgive me for not wanting to die on my death bed sulking and cursing the universe and God and myself and whatever I can for this unfair hanafuckinghaki sickness. Forgive me-"
You uttered every word that night with a sense of despise, a sense of spite, each one a striking arrow shot directly at Jimin's heart.
"-if I choose to pretend to be happy and to be okay for my brother and for your sake." You spit out, last words purposely said with more effect.
Taking a few steps closer towards him, you point your finger accusingly against his chest as your tears willingly fall, lips slightly quivering as your anger all the more increases the moment you two lock eyes.
Your breath is caught at the back of your throat as you look up, finding yourself standing in the very front of Jimin's presence.
You swallow harshly, height difference being of no use as your red eyes focusedly trained on his same ones tower over him, both pairs seemingy battling for agony, "But don't you stand there and accuse me of being indifferent- fucking indifferent of all fucking things towards Sung's death. She was my friend before yours, and losing her hurt just as much as anything else."
You remember crying out, not finding an interest on holding in neither your sobs nor your coughs any longer as you did so right at his face, further recalling how you felt not even an ounce of guilt whatsoever as you purposefully reminded him of your current illness in hopes of making him feel worse.
“y/n please...” Jimin barely utters out, almost visibly fading from the way you raise your voice further in his attempts of cutting you off.
"Don't. Don’t you dare accuse me of ever forgetting that night, because as far as I remember, I was the one who kept inside the pain of losing someone close. I was the one who held you when you cried, consoling you to an unbearable extent that I forgot to console myself." Still looking at him in the eyes, you speak out words of regret as you proceed to cough lightly, the pain inside you endlessly growing that you insisted on passing it to someone else.
One word after another, you could remember physically witnessing the pain in Jimin's eyes.
The way his eyebrows were furrowed together and the glistening streaks that ran along his red cheeks were an evident proof of your success in wounding him, but you didn't care. You told yourself you didn't care. You lied to yourself in saying you didn’t care.
No. You didn't care.
For once, you could still sense that rushing feeling of wanting to lessen the burden of falling in love with Jimin. For once, you wanted to make him feel the pain you've kept inside you for the past two years. For once- for once you wanted to be the cause of his pain, not the other way around.
But that once lasted only as is, just once.
The moment you speak those words against him, your heart begins to ache all the more, the dreaded feeling of guilt and shame and love and pain all united together in rising above your limit as you abruptly collapse onto his arms, growing weak and coughing brutally as the camellias say hello to its desired lover.
You eyes begin to desperately search his as you cling onto him, head proceedingly buried against his chest all the while sobbing uncontrollably, apologies escaping past your visibly whimpering lips, “I-I'm sorry, Chim. I didnt- I don't blame you, I'm so sorry-"
You remember seeing Jimin, just seconds ago having been distraught and practically falling apart from your direct words, somehow manage to gather himself as he stands his ground, still and determined on holding you securely.
His arms are wrapped around you in a protective yet delicate manner, eyes trained worriedly on your fragile state all the while patting your back, tenderly comforting you, “Shh- shh. It’s okay, y/n. Just breathe. Focus on your breathing, that’s right.”
Your breathing has gone erratic, lifting your head a tad bit in order to look at him as you reminisce that night, when you were the one holding him as he cried. "I'm so sorry, Chim."
You remember the first few of your countless apologies which Jimin nevertheminds, holding no other concern than that of which is your state of well-being.
"It's okay, okay? We're okay. Now c'mon, walk with me to the sofa. You can do that right? On three. One, two three..”
Minutes feel like hours as you recall the way Jimin assisted you for a time on end, treating you as though you were a rare delicacy with his manner of tenderness, softness, soft whispers against your ear and soft touches along your spine as he helps you find your amity once more.
Unaware that he is just that — your amity, your armistice.
Sat on the sofa, you continue on controlling your breathing as you inhale in and exhale out, Jimin's voice supple and light by the side of your earlobe as words of encouragement slip past his lips, still slightly red and swollen from his previous cries.
You could practically feel his breath against your ear with the sheer distance between the two of you, the noticeable intimacy of both your positions making you shudder and shut your eyes in an attempt of preserving in place another series of newly blooming flowers.
Standing up abruptly, you look at anywhere but Jimin as you scan your surroundings, all before making a clear statement.
Hesitantly, you whisper, "I think I should go."
Jimin's eyes haltingly falters, confusion capitulating his entire expression before attempting to reach out to you, "So soon? I think you should stay y/n-"
"Why?" You intervene motionlessly.
Caught aback with the benevolence and lack of sentiment in your voice, Jimin unrequitedly stutters as he responds, "Because y-your condition is still not well and I-"
"My brother is a doctor, Chim. I'll ask him to stay with me."
"-I just think it'll be better for you to stay here for a while and rest-"
"Better for me?" You begin, once more keeping his words short, "Or better for you?"
You remember Jimin's widened eyes, clearly not expecting you to say what you did.
"I.." Jimin thinks before continuing, hands grazing yours just as he speaks, "I just want you here. I need you here."
At his words, you remember recalling that exact phrase spoken to you the night Sung died, just when he caught himself falling apart and firstly reached out to you.
You remember the way he stared at you with a sense of longing, a sense of yearning, deeply wanting to convey an emotion you don't- you refuse to understand.
Because you recognizes the love held not only on his eyes, but on his touch, on his lips,
making you want to kiss him, hold him, touch him.
God, you just want to love him.
“Jimin..” Your voice feels light against his face, whispers eluding past your lips as your breath leaves a wisp along Jimin’s plump cheeks, stroking the slightly pink and flushed skin from the sadness it’s undergone not too long ago.
His eyes beam longingly at you, conveying messages that seem foreign to your understanding as your heart palpitates unevenly against his grasp. But it was enough to block your mind, it was enough to drive you wild, it was enough for you to completely lose all sense and thought-process, your brain not reciprocating anything other than what the heart is yearning for.
Him.
And lastly, you remember not being able to hold yourself back as you bring to life the buried words you have kept underground for the longest time.
Your eyes trained directly at his averts down to his lips, the camellias no more blooming as it succumbs to desire, craving no more than to offer him the love you have saved in secret for the past twenty four months, "I love you, Jimin."
Lowly pronounced words as you gaze at him, breath still and steadily fanning the smile slowly forming on his lips.
"I love you too, y/n. You're my best friend."
You remember your conflict, the feeling of pure loss and distraught overtaking you as you remain still. There you were, being loved by him completely, yet it is a love that seemingly leaves you feeling incomplete. Feeling unwhole and broken, feeling void and sunken.
You remember hearing your heart physically crack as you perceive his words, your sight lingering on his own, mockingly filled with a kind of love that you didn't want.
A love that you, quite literally, didn't need.
As soon as you hear what he’s chosen to disclose, you crack an unwilling fictitious smile on your lips just seconds before a hand covers it, your body limpingly maneuvering against Jimin’s hold as you feel your throat contract once more, catching his undivided attention.
Eyebrows furrowed, Jimin calls out in confusion, “y/-”
You remember the endless coughs that had suddenly broke out of you, the worst of what is offered from the Hanahaki being at present time the moment his lips offer a chaffing smile, his concern and sincerity being your death unbeknownst to him.
Coughing vigorously, you push Jimin aside as the overwhelming feeling of sorness and torment leads you to spurt out tears by the corners of your eyes, pushing you to whimper out cryingly. Your back is turned from the origin of your agony as he calls out your name, a voice so quiet yet loud against your hearing, emotionally wounding you as you cry out in pain.
"-y/n..?"
Because you remember a one petal.
And then two, then three,
and you remember blood.
Not wanting to let him see you in such a state that shall most definitely force him to fully understand the meaning of your supposed ‘love’ for him, you run out of his home, opening the door and not bothering to shut it close as you hurryingly exit out.
You ignore all of his calls and pleas as you run
and you run
and you run
and you run
and you cough, thanking the heavens silently as you locate a bus stopped after passing a few blocks.
“y/n wait! Please!-”
You step inside the transportation with no intention of looking back, forcing yourself to cancel out the calls of Jimin's voice, muffled from the reaches of the outside bus doors. A voice that's calling you. A voice that you most definitely would run to if given the opportunity, a chance that excludes coughing and hurting and crying
-and dying.
Ignoring the whispers and talks of the three other passengers inside the vehicle, you avert you tearful sight from and to the driver's concerned gaze as you send a small forced smile his way, meekly stating,
"I don't have any cash on me, but I'm dying in 30 days. You'll let me ride, won't you sir?"
You remember that eventful day, exactly five days ago, one hundred and twenty hours since you had avoided any association with Jimin.
He's contacted you endlessly, knocked on your door several times and even stayed outside your apartment overnight during one weekend, and each time you had luckily spent it over at your brother's. The times he went there though, you were gone and so was Namjoon, leaving him calling out to your brother’s empty studio apartment.
Five days without fits of vicious coughing, yet five days without him.
Is that the sacrifice you have to make to be healthy?
Then, would that be the sacrifice you'd have to make to live?
"Jimin called me."
"AH- Kamchakya!" Your thoughts are finally cut off as you jump at the sound of both your brother's voice and the slam of the door. Stumbling backwards, you barely get the chance to hold your balance as your hand clutches your clothed chest, visibly startled at your brother's sudden presence.
Namjoon had entered your apartment nonchalantly as he shut the door close behind him with no more than a small smack, yet his strength effects the opposite of what is intended.
Eyes widened, you attempt to catch your loss of breath before bending down completely, hands now placed on both knees, "Joon what the hell?! You couldn't have knocked?" Turning aside, you conquest onto throwing the first thing you could find at the genius which he opposingly catches without a beat, throwing the tablecloth right back at you easily as he takes small steps forward, mumbling a small apology afore repeating his previous words, "Sorry. Jimin called me. For the tenth time in five days, may I add."
Rolling your eyes at his bluntness, you contrastingly fail to catch what you once threw as you walk a couple steps back, grabbing the now dirty item and attempting to hide the way your chest tightened by the mere mention of Jimin's name.
"Jimin called you. Congratulations. Would you like an award, big foot?" You joke accordingly.
Now stood up in the kitchen, Namjoon leads on to making himself at home through the means of providing himself something to eat, attempting to hide a small smile dragging its way onto his face out of gladness in finding that his little sister is not letting some pathetic disease affect her overall personality.
"Big foot? That's a new one." Reaching for the bread and peanut-butter, he calmly makes himself a sandwich, as that is the only food he can prepare without failure, all the while strategically conversing in a serious talk with you, "But don't play dumb with me, y/n. You know Jimin and I aren't on good terms right now. Since..." Namjoon trails off, wanting to obviously avoid the topic of your illness.
You sigh, chest heaving as this doesn't go unnoticed by you, of course. Yet not wanting to go down that path in the early morning either, you choose to passively ignore the way he quickly averted his eyes away from you and let him continue.
Clearing his throat surreptitiously, Namjoon proceeds to act indifferent towards the newly formed tension, "-anyway, he and I aren't okay yet but he's still called me for the tenth time, and I finally answered. You're telling me you aren't even a tiny bit curious on what Jimin and I spoke about?"
You've now sat yourself on the kitchen counter, careful not to hit your head on the overtops as you habitually clean up the mess your older brother had habitually started on creating, "I'm not curious, Joonie, because I don't need to ask."
"Mhm, is that so?" Namjoon turns around to look at you, his head somewhat tilted sideways as he proceeds to happily munch away his sloppy and disgusting-looking meal, "You already know what he said then?"
Neatly putting away all the ingredients of which your brother has taken out, you begin to shift in your spot as you look down at your now wobbling feet which you noticed have too begun to unconsciously shift and play with one-another.
You respond hesitantly, letting out another sigh, "Probably asking how I'm doing? Telling you to say sorry to me for him? A bunch of sappy stuff, I bet. He didn't even do anything wrong."
Smiling every so slightly, Namjoon nods his head meekly as he makes his way to the fridge in order to grab some water, throwing his sandwich in the trash bin in the process, "Yeah.." he pauses before chuckling softly, "-that's our Jimin.. Holy shit that sandwich was fucking disgusting by the way. Aish-" He curses before pouring some of the cool liquid on a glass and desperately chugging it down, tears forming around his eyes as he scoffs in distaste.
Confused and surprised, you check to see the bread if its begun to form any mold, which you find none.
"Huh, I wonder why. The bread is good." You say just before stepping off of the counter carefully, "-can't believe you managed to fuck up a sandwich, Joon. You really do suck at cooking, don't you? Well I guess, food in general." You addingly joke, which Namjoon, in contrast, takes complete and total offense to.
Yet just as he is about to bark back at you with a Nobel Prize winning poetic insult, you unintentionally proceed, therefore cutting him off.
"Don't worry, I'll make sure to leave you the recipes of your favorites before I leave, okay?"
Smiling at him innocently, you find no flaw in your choice of words, making your brother's heart ache without warning as you look up at him with a tilted head.
"I know how much you love my cooking anyway, no matter how many times you claim that you don't." You laugh lightheartedly, "I might forget though, since I forget everything- but hey, Jimin cooks a little bit too, so just go to him whenever you miss my cooking, yeah? I know you guys fight a lot but please try not to once I'm g- mph!"
Pausing, your voice is unexpectedly muffled as your lips come in sudden contact with your brother's shoulder, completely quieting you down.
Taking a moment to fully comprehend such an unforeseen situation, it wins a small while for you to come to notice that he has completely submerged yourself in a tight embrace, both arms wrapped around your waist as his chin is placed right on top of your head.
You didn't know how to react.
It is without a doubt that you and Namjoon are close, don't get this wrong. And furthermore are there the endless comforting shoulder rubs and thoughtful words of advice from time to time, but a hug? A hug is usually where the two of you draw the line, both finding an unspoken mutual perspective on personal space.
So to find yourself in his position, with both your hands up in the air by the side of his waists as you remain frozen from the abrupt fright, you remain still, the only thought being in your head is how the last time that the two of you practically hugged this long was back from your parents' passing.
That being thirteen years ago.
Namjoon, on the other hand, does not give a flying fuck as he feels nothing but yearn for you. Your previous words has caused something inside of him to trigger and suddenly feel a certain lack of your warmth and existence, which he hates.
Don't worry, I'll make sure to leave you the recipes of your favorites before I leave, okay?
That's exactly what you had just said.
-please try not to once I'm gone.
You would have added.
His mind is in disarray, his medicinal IQ of 148 fading into an 8 as his thoughts are gathered in shambles, trying so desperately to rid of the now forming vision of a future without your not-so-bad-but-not-good-either cooking, a future without your Namjoon please get a liscense nagging, a future without your unbearable teasing, a future without-
a future without you.
How could he wake up to a future that's missing his little sister?
Namjoon is an orphan now. You both have been for thirteen years. The orphaned doctor, he would sometimes call himself.
And thirteen years ago, this orphaned doctor swore as he looked upon his parents' opened casket for the last time that he will never abandon his sister. Thirteen years ago, this orphaned doctor cried as he smiled against the clear plastic on his dead mother's pale box, swearing under oath that he could never let an accident take his sister away too. Thirteen years ago, this orphaned doctor choked back tears as his hands leave prints against the plastic of his father's case, promising to keep the strength he trusts his dad would have asked of him to endure. Thirteen years ago, this orphaned doctor painfully smiled as he kneeled down and looked at you, your black gloves of mourning beginning to dampen as stains become visible from your attempts of wiping away your brother’s tears.
Thirteen years ago, Namjoon mentally vowed in his deceased father and mother's name to always prioritize you first, determined in a future of being his little sister’s hero as he lastly placed a bouquet of soft pink camellia flowers on top of his parents' shared grave, squeezing your smaller hand intertwined with his.
Thirteen years ago, he was only thirteen, yet he had been the father and the mother and the brother his eight-year old sister needed.
Namjoon didn’t realize when he started crying.
At this point, the both of you are now on the floor, the age difference having been confusing as you are the one cradling you older brother tenderly.
Your once frozen hands are now soft and delicately wrapped around his back, rubbing in circular motions as you mouth words of comfort against his ear. Dampness could be felt on your shoulder down to your chest as your brother maneuvers while sobbing silently, head now seemingly permanent on the base of your neck.
Does being sick always come with scenes like this? You think to yourself.
"Shh, Joon. C'mon it's okay. Shh, it's alright," You coo softly, your own tears subsiding as you don't care of much other than your brother's current distress, "Joonie, c'mon. Seeing you like this is breaking my heart."
Okay scratch that, your tears aren't subsiding, they're sliding.
"Joonie..." You whisper softly yet desperately, wanting nothing more than to console your brother ever so leniently, "-please stop crying."
Suddenly, you feel Namjoon halt as he abruptly pushes away from you at an arms length, hands holding both sides of your shoulder as his reddened eyes direct yours before making the suggestion,
"Get the surgery."
Truly, that was not the right time to bring up the surgery, of this Namjoon is certain.
And to be honest, he doesn't even have a clue whether there is a right time to bring up the surgery. But he's become overwhelmed and desperate, wanting nothing more than to guarantee your life be saved. So although the timing doesn't match, he allows the situation to happen and chooses to not take back his previous words, instead facing whatever you decide to let on. Fate shall take its course.
Caught aback, you look at your brother bewilderedly, "What?"
"Get the surgery, y/n." He sniffingly repeats, nose still red and mouth still dry from his previous and still cooling breakdown.
"What are you talking about, Joon?” You smile slightly, eyebrows knitted and confused. “What surgery?"
"y/n," Namjoon begins, voice short and desperate, "I told you about this, didn't I? I was training for medicine a few years ago, yeah? I was an intern volunteering. My superior's patient had the disease, th- the Hanahaki disease, right?" Namjoon speaks relentlessly as he becomes breathless, looking slightly crazy as he rambles over a particular memory which you have no recollection of discussing with him.
"His name was Jung Hoseok, one of the first ten Hanahaki surgery recipients. He survived, y/n. The surgery was a complete success. He's alive even to now and I also still have his contact saved in my phone. Look-"
"Wait wait wait," You shake your head, hands coming to stop his phone-reaching hands all the while trying to process the vast information suddenly provided, "-the Hanahaki surgery? The surgery you did a Science project on that I helped you with during your senior high school year? F-flower Chowder? The Flower Power?" You finish, grinning at the newly found memory yet just moments before frowning entirely,
"Joon, you're telling me to get the Flower Power?"
Namjoon inhales a short intake of breath as he looks down and shuts his eyes, dreading the soon-to-be-happening conversation, "I know this seems crazy but-"
"Yeah no shit, it's crazy."
"Just hear me out oka-"
"This is really bat-shit off the walls crazy, Kim Namjoon!"
"-it's medicine, y/n. It's not really crazy-"
"medicine. my. ass."
"-it's been successful each time it was performed, and-"
"Joon just stop it!"
"-it's the only way to save your damn life!"
With wide eyes you blankingly stare at him, scoffing in disbelief at his sudden raise of voice, "Save my life? Then what? I go to live like a fucking robot for all eternity? Lose all my emotions and live as some kind of cyborg? We aren't in a fucking sci-fi movie, Joon!"
Processing your words, Namjoon does understand your point; but he's become helpless, the helplessness making him reckless, the recklessness making him desperate, and the desperation leaving no room for understanding your point, "A robot is still alive, y/n."
All in all, a reckless mess.
"A robot is still al- what?! Joon, are you hearing yourself?" You speak incredulously.
No, truth to be told, Namjoon is not hearing himself.
"I don't know what you think this, but I am not about to turn into some kind of sim with no feelings. Both you and I know that I would rather die as I live than live as I exist to be nothing more than just that, existing." You speak threateningly, "Don't you ever make me go through that, Joon. Not even as a last resort and not even when I'm not awake anymore to defend my point."
Holding up your right pinky finger, you raise your eyebrows, staring at him expectantly, "Promise me."
Namjoon glances down at your raised finger, jaw clenched and gaze hesitant. Yet just as he proceeds to reach forward in order to seal the deal, he speaks one last time, defeated, "And what if it is the last resort, y/n?"
You look at him, eyes downcast as you begin to subconsciously lower your hand as he continues, "What if you're moments away from leaving me? What do I do? Do I just let you die? Do you really expect me to just let you die even wh- when there's an option to take where you can live?" Namjoon is breathless as he speaks, voice desperate in convincing you.
Sighing, you lower your head slightly, "Joon, I already told you that I'm okay. I'm ready. I've accepted it-"
"But I haven't." Namjoon cuts you off, his words serving a stab at your heart.
"I haven't accepted it. I won't accept it." He takes hold of both your hands, lowering his height so that the two of you are on same eye level afore smiling sadly, "I've lost both our parents, y/n. I've accepted that. I've lived with that. But you can't ask me to accept losing you either because I don't think I'll be able to keep myself sane without you around. I need you, y/n. You're my sister, my anchor, God, you're my lifeline. You've kept me going for these past thirteen years, and I love you. I love you so so so so much, nae yeodongsaeng." He finishes, your heart crumbling at the sight of his flooding eyes.
"And I'm sorry if this is somewhat unfair to you, but please." Namjoons cries out, voice barely above a whisper as he sheds diring tears, "-please choose to try. Choose to try to live.
-If not for you, please do it for me."
"Fuck you Namjoon." You curse mutteringly, voice low and steady as you stand in front of Jimin's door for the past ten minutes.
You twist and turn like a little child as you curse mentally, feeling dread throughout your entire physicality and not at all wanting to continue with your plan. Nonetheless, you remind yourself of your brother's desperation and of your reasons for doing this.
For your brother, you cheer on.
"Okay. Okay! I can do this." You jump up and down, feet bouncing lightly against the hard ground, repeating the same phrase over and over again, "I can do this."
Turning to knock, your mind then suddenly flushes with dread as you subconsciously retreat back to your car, hands waving frantically around, "I can't do this."
"y/n?"
You freeze.
Fuck.
Hands still amidst the air, you stay still, unbelieving of the situation.
"y/n? What are you- is that you? Am I seeing shit right now?" He mumbles the last words to himself, which he silently thanks goes unbeknownst to you as you stay frozen, feet glued onto the ground and heart beating out of your chest at the familiar sound of his voice.
Hesitating, you muster up the determination to slowly turn around.
Your throat tightens once more all the while your heart contrastingly does backflips as you physically see him for the first time since five days and-or one hundred and twenty hours and-or a very painful long time for someone who's in love with someone.
"Hey, Chim." You meekly call out, trying to hide the anxiety creeping in within you.
Jimin, still processing your presence after countless failure of trying to see you, steps forward lightly, eyebrows furrowed as he evidently attempts to figure out the right words to say, "Hey."
"Hey." You wince as you attempt a grin.
Jimin's lips form a tight smile, "Hey."
.
.
.
Shit, this is so awkward.
The thought enters the both of your minds as a seemingly unprecedented tumbleweed passes by.
Clearing your throat, you notice the way Jimin looks down at his fiddling thumbs and curious little pinkies as you speak out once more, trying to ease the visible tension, "So are you going to invite me in or what?" You laugh breathily, chest heaving up and down in desperation of holding in those God-awful petals.
Jimin looks up at you with wide eyes, breathing a sigh of relief as he nods his head repeatedly, "Right- right! Yeah come in. This is your home too, you know." He speaks as he holds out his keys and turn to unlock his door, not noticing the way you've weakened among with the just fallen petal that silently wisped past your lips.
This is your home too, you know.
It's insane how such light words could make a person feel so lost and contracted.
Seven simple words that were spoken without a thought have you in a dazed mentality, hand tighteningly gripping your clothed heart before faking a positive expression as he turns around to face you.
"You can head inside first." Jimin shows that beautiful smile, moving aside as he lays his hand out in the direction of his now opened abode.
You only nod in return as you waste no time in entering, mumbling a small 'thanks chim' as you pass by.
He then follows soon after, set and determined on making you feel at home as he steps forward.
Yet a sight goes inevitable as your head spins around a moment barely passing as you enter his home, catching the vision of Jimin accidentally stepping on the camellia flower, the fragment that symbolizes your unrequited love, your pain, which lay on the timid ground, cracking it in half.
It seems the universe really is telling you something.
You ponder to yourself as you gaze wanderingly, the now torn petal not leaving your sight.
Smiling ironically, the formidable occurence somehow boosts your acceptance of the situation at hand as you make your way to the sofa, speaking aloud even more so formidable words, "We need to talk, Jimin."
Just moments before sitting down, Jimin remains still, eyes glazing at you directly for a second before gathering himself and proceeding to act indifferent, "Of course."
Jimin. He thinks.
Not chim, Jimin.
"Jimin I-"
"No please-" Jimin cuts you off as you begin to speak, "Please let me say first what I've been keeping inside for this past week of being avoided by you."
You didn't know whether you were supposed to take offense or not, yet nonetheless you decide
"-just wanted to let you know that I'm getting surgery."
I can't believe she's calling me Ji- "What?"
You smile empathetically, "I'm getting surgery, Jimin."
part 3, maybe?
taglist: @itsdingdong @honeyd99 @010op10 @chubsjmin @outropjmm @nynhope
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Epiphany (Seokjin)
A heartbreaking yet fulfillingly satisfying exes! au. The realistic sense of what should have been and how such a small choice could impact our lives entirely is very present. I’m the one I should love indeed.
The Train Of Lost Souls (Hoseok ft! Jungkook)
A fantasy of a choice regarding love, friendship, and death. The platonic yet intimate relationship between Hobi and reader is something that striked me immensely. I was crying and felt unsatisfied until I didn’t, it was insane. In love with this, a hundred percent advised.
i am crying at 1am
➜ Words: 22.1k
➜ Genre: Angst, tad of Fluff, Historical, Mulan!Au
➜ Summary: For your loved ones, the people who are waiting at home, the people who have died - you will fight. And sometimes to fight means to sacrifice: who you really are and the person you really love.
➜ Warnings for underlying misogynistic themes, blood, war and death.
In one simple command, the comrades scream at the top of their lungs as they rush forward.
A blizzard of arrows swoop across the horizon and the enemies sprint. Swords clash in the middle as the two seas of men meet like the seams of two fabrics sewn together. It’s barbaric and vicious, a brutality that no one can ever be immune to.
The horses roar out, galloping ahead and leaping over the corpses, hooves marking into the dirt. Friend or foe, there is no fear. It is the destruction of humankind; a horrific massacre of chaos. There is mangling of flesh, pummeling down swords and battering skin. The sound of choking and strangled screams play like broken recordings, driving people to insanity. The battle ensues.
Every stitch and seam is mended by silk threads, each movement vital in order to keep the embroidery accurate; it is an art. An art that you are unfortunately unskilled at. One tug with too much strength and the strand would…snap.
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KEY:
[ ♡ ] fluff ; [ ☁︎ ] angst ; [ ☆ ] smut ; latest
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-> Being transported into a fanfic is not exactly Jimin's ideal type of weekend, especially not right after you rejected his attempt to ask you out. Now the two of you will have to help the author write a happy ending if you ever wanna make it back to real life. Can he write a happy ending with you too?
Main pairing: gamer boy!jimin x fem!creative writing major!reader
Genre/au: trapped in a fanfic!au, enemies to friends to lovers, low-key love triangle, sports!au (archery), college!au, a good amount of fluff, a poor attempt at humor, some angst, inspired by Teen Beach Movie and Extraordinary You
Warnings: breaking the fourth wall sorta / pov changes, embarrassing moments, kissing, Jimin being a sweetheart bc I can't write him any other way. warnings to be added as I finish the fic.
Teaser wc: 851
Total wc: 15K+ (there is no release date at this time)
Disclaimer: this is not meant to represent all fanfiction and I'm not implying that all fanfic writers or readers only engage in fanfiction to escape reality. it's just for the sake of the story.
💿 the author - Luz :: more of you - JP Saxe :: main character - Zach Hood
a/n: I've wanted to do something like this for a while so I hope it works ☺️ just a heads up that the "author" is a character in the story. I hope it's not confusing lol. Feedback is appreciated!
If you'd like to be on the taglist, leave a comment, reblog, or dm. You're already tagged if you're on my perm taglist <3
"Yep." With a sigh and a nod, you face Jimin and speak directly to him, arms crossed and hip popped out in disappointment. "The author led us to the right girl. She's the reader insert, alright."
Your Name occupies herself, amazed by her own hands and interlocking her fingers with a wishful sigh. She's been written to fall in love with the man of her dreams, to discover angsty heartbreak and become the apple of her lover's eye. When she's not doing anything directly related to that purpose, she's just an empty shell of a character, a copycat filling space and time until her next scene.
"She's dumb as a sack of rocks."
"No one is reading the story right now, remember? The author is still writing it. Your Name is an empty character," you explain, scanning her perfect figure up and down with a jealous click of your tongue.
"So, if someone reads the story…"
"Then part of that person's character is reflected in Your Name. It's what makes fanfiction fun to read. You get to put yourself in the story."
Okay, maybe Jimin sees the attractiveness in that. It's an escape just like video games, except more lame and pitiful.
Your Name has yet to do or say anything else. She just sways with her hands folded against her chest, mind empty, no thoughts, unable to leave or initiate anything without the author's guidance or some other trigger.
"Why would anyone want to be her?"
The doors to the cafeteria burst open, immediately stealing everyone's attention. The whole building pauses in place, heads turning in slow-mo to see what the big commotion is about, choirs of gasps and the sound of panties dropping to the ground left and right.
In walks sex on legs, dark hair fluffy with a gloved hand brushing through thick bangs, skin tight jeans and a leather bracer around his wrist. He pretends to pull an arrow from the empty quiver on his hip, shooting it and a charming wink in the direction of a cafeteria worker, chuckling when they faint against the wall with a hand over their heart.
There's only one person who could have that kind of effect simply by walking into the room.
"That's why," you reply, hypnotized eyes following his every move through the line to get lunch. "The main male lead."
"So, it's all about the guy, huh?"
"Obviously. It is a Jungkook fanfic, so yeah."
Jimin gawks. "Wait, that's supposed to be Jeon Jungkook? You mean the singer slash actor in real life?"
"Yep," you sigh in content. Even if this is a fanfic, you're in the same room as the Jungkook and you'll never forget this day.
"That dude doesn't know archery," Jimin pouts.
"It's a fanfic, so he does in this story, okay? Shut up."
Jimin just rolls his eyes, too proud to admit the way you're staring at that fanfic character makes his blood boil something awful. But you're not the only one entranced.
Your Name hasn't been able to blink since Jungkook walked in, hands folded shyly at her chest and lips slightly parted. She holds her breath as he struts in her direction, whipping his hair out of his eyes only for it to gracefully fall over his forehead again.
Jungkook passes by with his lunch, but he doesn't even give Your Name a glance, not even the barest of recognitions. She opens her mouth as if she wants to say something, but no sound comes out. Just a defeated sigh when Jungkook sits down at a table with a bunch of other students and not her.
She pulls her bag further up her shoulder, putting her head down and walking out of the cafeteria as unnoticeably as possible. Jimin watches her, a surprising sense of sympathy for her despite reminding himself she's a fictional character.
You lift a finger to your temple, leaning into Jimin's side as you both watch the scene play out. "I understand."
"What? What just happened?"
"We have to get Jungkook together with Your Name. She's the shy, unnoticed school girl and he's the popular, sporty hunk with a heart of gold."
"Oh come on, that's the worst trope ever." He rolls his eyes in Jungkook's direction. "Heart of gold my ass. He just walked right passed Your Name and didn't even flinch."
"Like you would know anything about fanfic tropes."
"Video games have tropes too, you know."
You roll your lips tight when he sticks his tongue out at you, trying not to smile at how cute he was just now.
"Like what?"
Jimin begins counting on his fingers. "I could name five off the top of my head."
"Are any of them the shy school girl and popular sports star?"
"No."
"Then you can reference video games again when they can actually help us," you say, looking back at Jungkook's table. "For how, we need to figure out a way to get those two together so we can end the fic and get out of here. Any ideas?"
::
Perm taglist (let me know if you're not interested in being tagged when the full fic drops):
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okay haylors
Calum Hood x fem! reader ; Luke Hemmings x fem! reader
Warning: angst and mild swear words
Word Count: 2515
Summary: It’s hard to watch the person you love in pain due to the feelings they hold for someone else. Y/N knows that Calum has feelings for her, and Calum is aware that she knows too. So what’s stopping the two from becoming official? Y/N loves Calum’s best friend.
a/n: This is inspired or based on the song ‘ghostin’ by Ariana Grande. It’s absolutely phenomenal, incredible, and heartbreaking and I do advise you to listen to it while reading.
I know you hear me when I cry I try to hold it in the night While you’re sleepin’ next to me But it’s your arms that I need this time (This time)
You hated feeling vulnerable.
Blinking away the tears threatening to fall down, you stare at the Instagram post that Luke uploaded a couple days ago. Thao🖤, it’s captioned, as it displays a beautiful image of him and Sierra. The picture is so simple yet so captivating that it radiates romance through the screen, making your heart ache once more from unwanted jealousy.
You close your eyes and place the phone beside you with the screen facing down before one hand goes to wipe away fallen tears, all the while the other rises to grasp and twist the garment covering you heart in current pain.
Soft sobs can be heard in the room, echoing throughout the air and bouncing from wall to wall. The silence is deafening, but you couldn’t seem to feel anything other than your aching heart as you vulnerably tuck your head in between your knees in attempt of self-consolation.
“Y/N?” You hear Calum’s voice call you from outside the studio. “It’s almost midnight lovely, why are you still here?”
Look at the cards that we’ve been dealt If you were anybody else Probably wouldn’t last a day Every tear’s a rain parade from hell (From hell)
You slowly look up from your position and place your eyes on the raven-haired man. Standing up abruptly, you pull him close in a tight embrace as you sob onto his chest.
Calum doesn’t say anything but rather only pulls you closer against him, burying his face on your neck.
To say that the two of you have been in this situation only once or twice would be an extreme understatement. You’ve lost count of the times that Calum has found you in this certain state of vulnerability, the first time being months back when Luke first talked about Sierra romantically.
That was at Ashton’s house on a Sunday morning after a Saturday night out.
You remember how Luke’s eyes shone under the light-washed room when he talked about meeting Sierra the night before, and how he hasn’t felt that way since first meeting his ex - when things were non-toxic and healthy. You remember how his dimples came out as his smile widened when he spoke of the cheesy pick up line he used to approach her. You remember the boys patting him on the back, happy that he’s found someone that was then a possible love interest. You remember being one of the ones to smile and hug him, telling him that he truly deserves someone to love in a way unexplainable. And you remember him thanking you for that, telling you how much he appreciates all that you’ve done for him and the band.
But then you also remember having to excuse yourself after breakfast because ‘you had to use the restroom,’ but really it’s because you almost felt yourself choking from holding back the tears. You remember suddenly bursting out of your seat and head straight to the bathroom, bumping into Calum on the way. You remember how Calum checked on you as soon as you two collided and how his face softened as soon as he saw your broken state. You remember faking a smile before pushing past him and finally reach the bathroom. You remember having to lock the door and open the faucet so that no one could hear you crying and in pain. You remember how Calum knocked softly and asked you to let him in, not taking no for an answer. And once you did, he allowed his actions to speak volumes and only hugged you tight against his chest, whispering sweet nothings and words of comfort against your ear all the while softly rubbing your back.
You remember the first out of the countless low points in your life, and each time Calum was always there for you. You don’t know whether you could’ve gone on remaining to be such good friends with Luke and the rest of the boys if he wasn’t there for you. You probably wouldn’t last a day without his comfort. Calum was and still remains to be your anchor, - your lifeline.
Baby, you do it so well You been so understanding, you been so good And I’m puttin’ you through more than one ever should And I’m hating myself ‘cause you don’t want to Admit that it hurts you
But it’s so wrong. It’s so wrong what you’re doing to him.
It doesn’t take a genius to understand why he’s done all that he’s done for you. Sure he’s your friend, but so is Ash and Mike, so is Crystal and Kay.
So when you asked him why,
“Cal, why are you doing this?”
“Hm?”
“Why are you here? Why aren’t you out right now with the rest of the boys? It’s a Friday night, Cal. You could’ve met a girl today.”
“The only girl I need is right here with me.”
“Cal I’m serious. Why do you stay with me? I mean- don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all that you’ve done for me and I truly love you from the bottom of my heart, but you know you don’t have to do any of this.”
“I know that Y/N.”
“Okay, so why do you?”
-and he replies with nothing, you knew.
The silence was the loudest of all answers he could’ve possibly given.
After what felt like hours, the two of you pull apart and out of the embrace. Your eyes still remain closed as you try to steady your breathing. Lips quivering from both the pain and the cold, you feel Calum wrap around his jacket around you which then makes you suddenly step away from him.
Startled, Calum reaches forward to touch your shoulder in a comforting manner, “I’m sorry Y/N I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to give you my jacket since you seem col-”
“I’m sorry, Cal.” You cut him off with a whisper.
“What?” He replies, his gaze softening at the sight of your defenseless exteriority and his heart aching from your delicate words.
I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again Over him, mmh I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again 'Stead of ghostin’ him
Sighing, you raise your head to look at him before smiling weakly, “I know you care about me. In- in the same way I care about Luke, and-” You readjust yourself by looking away from him, “I know it hurts you. I know it hurts you seeing me cry because of how I feel for him and God Cal, I’m so sorry for being selfish and accepting your embrace every time you come to me.”
“No no no no no Y/N no-” He tries to cut you off.
“Im so sorry for being such a hypocrite and not putting your feelings in consideration the same way you’ve been putting mine. I’m so sorry for just thinking about me Cal. I know it’s breaking your heart and- fuck, I’m so fucking sorry that I’m just allowing myself to do this to you.” You sputter your words out quickly, pausing in between due to the sobs escaping your lips.
Letting out a weak laugh, you smile as you look up at him, “God I wish I love you instead of him. I wish I loved you instead, Cal.”
“Shh shh, don’t say those things alright? You can’t possibly blame yourself for how you feel.” He responds soothingly, his hand finding its way to the back of your head as he pulls you in another hug, yet this one being firmer and tighter. “-I would know. It’s not your fault, Y/N.”
You grasp the fabric of his back and squeeze in attempt of comfort, smiling sadly and ironically, “The fucked up part is that it’s not his either.”
Letting out a soft sigh, you sway from side to side as you’re in the embrace, “He’s so happy with her, and I should be happy for him. But instead I drown myself in misery. I can’t even last an hour during a date without wishing I was with him instead. I’m so fucking pathetic, honestly.”
“We both are.”
“Guess we are perfect for eachother then.”
“Guess so.”
We’ll get through this, we’ll get past this, I’m a girl with A whole lot of baggage But I love you, we’ll get past this, I’m a girl with A whole lot of baggage, yeah
Making your way out of the studio, Calum again tries to wrap his jacket around you, and you let him.
You thank him silently before giving a small smile and pushing the door open, Calum trudging along behind you closely.
The both of you silently walk through the halls as you pass by the records and record labels upon which are in bright colors, screaming in yellow and green from the Sounds Good Feels Good album and red and blue for Youngblood. Your eyes find themselves scanning the walls ahead as you say memories captured in camera.
Suddenly coming to a stop, Calum realizes the distance between you and him as he finds himself ahead of you. Turning around, he sees you biting your lip as you clearly try to hold back the tears. You were looking at the displayed image of you and Luke in a very tight embrace, taken just backstage when the guys have won their first ARIA award. Ironically, the sweet moment between the two of you was captured by Calum himself.
You take one last look before swallowing the lump that formed in your throat as you continue your walk, grabbing Calum’s hand in the process.
Calum slightly gets startled at your actions for some reason, even though hand holding is a very common gesture that the two of you do. Perhaps it was the timing upon which you did it. Or maybe he’s just falling in love with you even more, so much more that what was once a friendly action became a meaningful touch to him.
Smiling sadly, Calum says nothing in fear that you’d suddenly let go.
Though I wish he were here instead Don’t want that living in your head He just comes to visit me When I’m dreaming every now and then (And then)
Once the two of you reach the outside, you pull him to a stop and look at him.
He stares back at you with a kind of fondness that warms your heart, how could you have possibly been blessed by whichever power is about above with someone like him?
Putting down the bags, you ask him to do the same, and as he does what he is told, you then take a hold of both his hands and place the in between the both of you.
You smile before looking up at him, the difference in height taking a huge toll in the distance between both of your sights. Sighing softly, “I want to try us, Cal.”
Taken aback, Calum looks at you in confusion, “What are you-”
“I don’t know when yet-” You cut him off, “and I don’t know how. I don’t know whether it’ll work out, and I don’t know whether this is crazy or not but- but I want to try, Cal.”
It takes a while for Calum to respond as he only stares at you adamantly before speaking up, “Y/N I love you.”
“Cal-”
“No. I love you. I’m in love with you. And I don’t know what that means to you or for you but I can’t just put my emotions on the line like this in hopes that you’ll run out of feelings for Luke and turn to me instead. That’s not fair, lovely. And I’m sorry but I can’t do that. I can’t just be a second choice.”
He finishes with a gentle tuck of your hair behind your ear, and suddenly you feel your heart flutter at the gesture.
This small interaction and display of affection has given you the boost to speak about what you mean, “Cal, of course not. I could never ever ask you to do such a thing. You’re not my- and should never ever be anyone’s second choice.”
You pause, trying to find the right words to say.
“And I’m not asking for that. I’m not asking for dates, or goodmorning texts, or gifts. I’m not asking for anything more than our current now. I’m not asking for you or myself or anyone to do anything. The only difference from now on is that I’ll recognize the fact that you have these feelings for me. That’s something I’ve never done before Cal, and you know it. Each time you’ve showed me affection I’ve brushed it off. Each time you’ve showed your love for me I chose to blindly ignore it. But I won’t anymore. I won’t ignore your love anymore, and I won’t pretend that you don’t anymore.”
Fumbling over with your words, you can just feel his eyes staring at you. It made you feel a sense of weakness, a tremble in your knees as you for the first time in existence felt intimidated by his presence.
A kind of feeling you’ve only gotten around Luke.
“I’m not asking you to keep loving me, I’m just saying that if you do still choose to, I won’t hide how I feel about them anymore.”
It was a very long pause. A very long silence.
You hear distant car noises from down the street and certain chatters from crowds across the block. It feels as if you’re in a scene located in a desert and a tumbleweed passes by.
“And how do you feel about them, Y/N?”He finally asks, more daringly than sweet.
You kind of liked it.
“Just now?” You look up at him straightly, your head tipped up as his are tipped down, “I kind of like it, Cal.”
And after all that we been through (And after all that we been through) There’s so much to look forward to What was done and what was said Leave it all here in this bed with you (With you)
You have no clue what is to come after that interaction. You don’t even know whether you made the right choice.
You didn’t love Calum,
not yet.
But somehow you cared and longed for him lovingly. The way you needed him is unlike any other person you needed before. Not even Luke. He understands and connects with you in every way and every level. He brings you a sense of peace, a sense of calmness and joy and happiness that is incomparable to anything of existence. And that night, you felt something else other than joy or peace or happiness. No, instead you felt an immediate connection - a connection so strong that you felt so drawn to him than ever before.
You didn’t feel love, you felt a connection on its way to love.
This connection is a type that developed over time, and after a long way hell in traffic, it’s finally reached its destination.
soulmate (n): a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before; as this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong, and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone before.
love was found: dead
flawless ✨
reading this as a tae-biased army is not good for my emotions
Pairing: Jungkook x Reader x Taehyung
Word count: 6.4k
Warnings: angsttttt, some vulgar language
AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16732419/navigate
A/N: Splitting the chapters won by literally one vote, lmao. Thank you to everyone who voted, and I hope those who voted for me to keep it as one chapter can enjoy it just as much. :(((
Next: 09 || WYLEI Masterlist
You’re in love with your childhood friend, Taehyung. The problem is, you treasure your friendship with him far too much to ever risk losing it. Oh, and he’s quite the Casanova. At your wits’ end with feelings you can no longer hide as diligently as you once did, you ask him to set you up with someone, anyone, in a last-ditch attempt to avoid a heartbreaking conversation.
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