I Once Did This So Bad That I Got Extremely Sick And Weak, And When I Finally Went To Get Food I Collapsed

up late thinking about my babadook costume i made in 2022

i still wear it every halloween while making gradual improvements and adjustments, this is the same costume halloween night 2024, with improved fingers and a repainted mask :-D

i am sort of a boy. i am sort of a creature. i was a girl once but never a woman. maybe as i grow ill feel more man than boy. i am a guy. dude gender neutral. he and they but also i am my mother’s daughter. not in a feminine way just in an i love her way. does this make sense? she calls me her favorite daughter (her only daughter) and i never wanted to give that up. i am her daughter like blood is a link and like a boat is she. but im still a boything. male in the way a mushroom is neither plant or flesh but also is both. can you hear me? do you understand?

search history, 1:11 am - 1:39 am

if i go through withdrawals when a person doesn’t talk to me as much is that a sign of love?

what do i do when all of my connections feel fleeting or flimsy on my end, even those i have with my own mother?

what does it mean when i sit by the phone waiting for them to respond?

i fantasize that every kind stranger i meet has secretly fallen in love with me, am i lonely?

do i lose value as a potential partner if i cannot feel sexual pleasure?

is it wrong to feel devastated that i am doomed to be a temporary fixture in my best friends life?

i haven’t been able to feel romantic love in years, did something inside of me break?

when will i cease to exist in a constant state of catabolic mayhem?

when a caterpillar is inside the chrysalis, does it dream?

is living vicariously through romance between fictional characters a valid coping mechanism?

what do i do if ive become so disconnected from myself that ive even lost understanding of what my sexuality is?

i could easily kill myself right now and that doesn’t really scare me, is this a bad sign?

how do i die metaphorically, and be born anew literally?

is my relationship with the universe parasocial?

is my understanding of myself superficial?

is suicidality contagious?

is anyone out there?

What a fucking loser. Reblog if you would love that skylight.

1$ flea market score. Tiny glass 1960s perfume bottles. I love them.

words cannot describe how much this poem means to me. when i first heard it i felt as though the poem grafted itself onto my soul and became an integral part of my being. i feel genuine love for this work.

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On Sunday, a lambent crevice opened up in the street outside my house. By Tuesday, birds were flying into it.

“I probably won’t miss you,” my mother said. “I’m only interested in the end of the world,” I replied.

Many find it difficult to breathe without the atmosphere, but we knew how; we just stopped breathing.

We’re at the Moonlight All-Night Diner, and they’re serving up fruit from the plants growing out of the waitress. The closed sign whispers, “Please, don’t touch me.”

We watch bodies fall to the ground outside like deep sea creatures surfacing. You turn to me and ask, “Do you ever think about suicide?” I look away from you and close my eyes, eat the raspberries to confuse the blood in my mouth.

Now you’re in the only car in the parking lot at midnight and you’re watching me throw stones at the moon which hangs low in the sky so that he can look into your house. Your sister tried to touch him from her window once, and he flinched.

Now he and the oceans watch her with a quiet concern. The lilac sky is trying to rest her head on his shoulder, all trees gradually growing through her.

A hummingbird whispers to you, “Be careful. Under her dress is her skin,” and then builds his nest in the middle of the highway.

I look back to you, and you close your eyes

-Katherine Ciel

Welcome to Night Vale Episode 20 - "Poetry Week"

i hit the green tea so hard i can feel all the weather on earth happening at once

how’s that house that raised you?

coworker got me a magnetic poetry kit so we’re writing little poems on the filing cabinets at work