Imagine In The Beginning, Before Red Hood's Goons Figure Out That He Is A Baby, They Think He Is A Single

Bruce has to spend a day working an important mission with the league at the watchtower but the kids are bored so he tells them as long as they don’t disrupt the JL’s work they can hang around the watchtower and then get takeout on the way home. they succeed in keeping themselves to themselves but don’t quite manage not being disrupting. this is because Tim convinced them to do a tiktok trend.

*the league, pouring over case files in serene silence*

*heard faintly from three rooms away*

Tim, Damian, and Jason: we listen and we don’t judge,

Jason: my original plan for terrorising B after coming back to Gotham was to start leaving him a bunch of creepy voicemails Taken-style, and the only reason i scrapped it was because i just genuinely couldn’t remember Bruce’s phone number.

*Bruce lifts his head, squinting slightly*

The kids: we listen and we don’t judge,

Tim: when i was nine my camera broke because a rogue that Batman was fighting threw the car i left it in off a bridge and i was so mad at Batman that i sold photos i’d taken of Bruce Wayne wearing a thong on his private beach to the Gotham Gazette to buy a new one

*the rest of the league also lift their heads, staring at Bruce uncomfortably. Bruce shifts in his seat*

Jason: THAT WAS YOU?

Tim: YOU’RE JUDGING WE SAID NO JUDGING-

Damian: i feel like we should be able to judge OCCASIONALLY.

*the league, eyeing each other*

Clark: they wont… post that video online, right?

Bruce, sighing: to the family groupchat, probably.

*heard again from across the watchtower*

The kids: we listen and we don’t judge,

Jason: back in the league Damian’s hamster died and we told him it was natural causes but it’s actually because i set it loose during a meeting and Ra’s freaked out and stepped on it.

Jason: OK DRAWING A SWORD MEANS JUDGEMENT DAMIAN PUT IT BACK-

Diana: should you be… checking on them?

Bruce, dead inside: what am i supposed to do about it?

Ollie: aren’t you in charge of them?

Bruce, completely seriously: i’m not in charge of anything anymore.

The kids: we listen and we don’t judge,

Damian: when I was a child I was forced to kill 183 people and I dream of their faces every night

Tim: Damian I don’t think you understand the game.

Bruce, getting up: I’m going to go-

The rest of the league, simultaneously:

Clark: see if the kids are-

Diana: we can handle this-

Barry: you got this buddy-

Ollie: yeah go- go take a break-

F%#& you.

Makes AU where Tim is out stalking Batman and runs into Talia Al Ghul who's like "'Who's goddamn white baby is that?" And ends up taking him like "Mine, apparently." And proceeds to raise him up alongside Damian.

Damian and Tim get into trouble together all the time and Ra's is THE tired grandfather who continuously finds Tim and Damian dumping goldfish and other small pets with short life spans in the Lazarus pit.

—

Jason is brought back and instantly has Tim annoying him with 101 questions and Damian who follows him around like "You know my Father?" And Jason is so done but also he has two baby brothers and f#%$ Bruce.

Tim: How'd you die?

Jason: Explosion.

Tim: Was it a big explosion?

Jason: Uh, medium explosion.

Tim: Who made the explosion?

Jason, in all his fifteen year old zombie glory: yoUR MO—

Smol Damian, running in with a sword: —TAKE ME TO OUR FATHER!!!

—

Tim, Damian, and Jason all hardcore trolling Ra's and annoying the league of assassins to no end.

—

Talia and Ra's doing that grandparent / parent thing where they debate whether one of the kids is gay or not, like not in a homophobic way but trying to figure it out before the kid does so they can be supportive and surprised but not to suprised.

Ra's, sipping tea: Timothy was staring at the ninjas training again.

Talia, stirring her tea: . . . Nunjas or ninjas?

Ra's: Both.

Talia: Hm...

Ra's: Surely we'd know if he was attracted to multiple genders?

Talia: He definitely is.

Ra's: Oh, I agree, daughter, but when do you think he'll figure that out?

Talia, watching out the window as Tim skateboards down a long rail before face planting into the ground, Jason laughing at him as Damian proceeds to scream for her:

Talia: It might take a while.

—

Cue Damian NOT understanding at all that he and Tim don't share a Dad, like he doesn't understand a literal THING and so refers to Bruce as his, Tim's, an Jason's Father no matter how much anyone corrects him.

Talia, applying sunblock to Tim because baby cannot tan: No, Damian, Timothy cannot go with you to Gotham.

Damian: Why not? Todd gets to live there.

Talia: Jason is an adult and your Father's adoptive son, Tim is my adoptive son, making them both your brothers, but you three do not share a Father.

Tim: I'm Fatherless :D

Talia:

Talia: Perhaps I can convince beloved that you are his as well...

Cue a time skip where Talia leaves Tim and Damian with Bruce for a safer, happier life than she can provide, entering Bruce confused why the Drake's missing son was taken by Talia and now dubbed his, but free children are free children.

—

Cue Damian and Tim being the biggest little sh!ts, swapping Robin mid patrol just to see how long it takes Bruce to notice, trolling Jason and Dick, and being general chaotic gremlins the whole time...

Damian, standing behind Bruce:

Tim, motioning him over from the shadows:

Damian, quickly running over to swap with Tim:

Bruce, thirty minutes later going: Wait a minute...

—

When Bruce "dies" Tim goes running to Ra's, all crying and yelling "GRANDFATHER!" and Ra's does not hesitate to f#&$ people up because dammit ONE of his grandchildren has to take over his ninja zombie cult, right? Right!? But he helps and f#&% b&#%#& up when Tim has to get his spleen removed.

—

Cue Damian and Tim napping on Ra's mid league meeting and Jason snickering from the side because Ra's has a baby backpack on his chest and smol Tim just thrown over his shoulder and sleeping peacefully as Ra's goes on about some terrorism acts.

—

Look, I just think it's neat U_U

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batdad speedrun: everything is a riddle now

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He doesn't like the ebooks

The reference:

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