"abuse And Trauma Is Not One Size Fits All."

"abuse and trauma is not one size fits all."

I agree with the whole thing but that line was really powerful.

Think about that for a moment.

They were both dealt two cards.

Both got one of abuse.

But Jonathan got one of love with his.

And Billy got one of abandonment.

just saw a gif set that made my blood boil so let’s chat real quick about how the primary reason Jonathan got the chance to be a cycle-breaker was because Joyce kicked Lonnie out. she cut the thread. she freed her sons. Jonathan was given a safe and supportive environment to process the abuse he’d been subjected to as a child, set boundaries between himself and his abuser that were fortified by Joyce, and express himself without fear of judgement or ridicule by a parent who loves him unconditionally and who was always in his corner. he was able to provide that same support to Will because it was modeled for him by Joyce.

Joyce fought for her children at every turn. Jonathan hid Will, protected him while their mother fought for them. both of those boys knew that Joyce would do anything for them, that she was breaking up her marriage for their safety, that everything she did was with them in mind. she didn’t give the cycle a change to take root. she said absolutely not and dealt with the problem for them, giving them the tools and confidence to stand up to Lonnie in the future. she did not let Lonnie be a black cloud over her children. she made sure that her boys knew that they were loved and supported and worthy of kindness. she fought Lonnie for them.

Billy’s mom, on the other hand, who isn’t even granted a name in the narrative, just…left. she saved herself. whatever safety and comfort she provided while living in the house left with her. no matter her intentions— whether she meant to come back for him or not, whether she had some other plan —she didn’t tell Billy. her actions, on the surface, communicated to him “you’re on your own, kid.” left alone with his abuser. left alone to survive. he had no one. absolutely no one fought for the little boy crying on the phone for his mother to come home. in flashbacks and in the canon timeline we do not ever see Billy with friends. his abuser has him exactly where he wants him: isolated, scared, vulnerable. Neil could do whatever he wanted to Billy without consequences. even if Billy tried to fight back, Neil knew he could threaten and/or beat him into submission. there was no one for Billy to go to, and the older he got the less likely it was that someone would help because to the outside world he just looked like a bad kid that Neil was stuck dealing with.

more than that, Billy did not have a model for behavior outside of Neil. his father was his example for how to interact with the people and the world around him. he had no one showing him that softness or kindness was an option. he wants someone— Max, for example —to do as he says? he’s got to get loud. he’s got to get aggressive. he’s got to the be the bully, because bullies get listened to. that’s what he learned. the one person who might have shown him another path left him in the dust. he had no warm fuzzies. no support.

Jonathan physically, verbally, and emotionally pushes back against Lonnie multiple times in season one because he is free to do so. he doesn’t live under the same roof. he knows that if Lonnie tries to come after him, Joyce will raise hell. he even gets the police chief in his corner by the end, knows that both Joyce and Hopper would defend himself and Will if push came to shove. he has Nancy, too, eventually. she’s tiny and scrappy and even if she never meets Lonnie face to face, she provides Jonathan with emotional support. Will, too, provides safety and comfort and support. even Argyle, with all his goofiness and quirks, clearly loves and supports Jonathan. Jonathan fights knowing that he’s not alone in that fight. for his early-series loner persona, he’s truly surrounded by people who love him and who would go to bat for him without blinking an eye.

when Billy tries to do the same thing, pushing back against Neil because he was tired, fed up, strapped with Max for a full week, thinking there was a set time that his obligation was fulfilled only to have Neil and Susan saunter in three hours late, he gets backed into a corner. manhandled, hit, talked down to. and he knows that no one is coming to save him. he doesn’t have friends he can go to — all of his relationships feel very superficial. Susan is shut down when she tries to speak up, tries to tell Neil to back off. everyone in that house is under Neil’s control. Billy has to choose: keep fighting and get hurt, or shut up and obey. he chooses self preservation. he’s got to keep his head down to survive, because no one is coming for him, there is no one to run to, there is no one to help him. he learned a long time ago that Neil will always get his way, that Billy will always be his punching bag. he doesn’t have the tools to fight back in any real sense, and that is exactly what both Neil and Lonnie likely want. the difference is that Jonathan had support, and Billy did not.

and, on top of all of that, Billy gets immediately parentified when Max comes on the scene. and yes, I do see a problem with the parentification of Jonathan as well. both Billy and Jonathan were far too young to have that much responsibility on their plates. but it is indicative of both the time period and their socioeconomic statuses. the parents had to work. the older siblings had to step up for the younger siblings. it perpetuates today even stepping back from that, Jonathan seemed to like taking care of Will. he loves his brother, and he wants to be there for him in any way he can. he loves his mother, who supports him, who loves him back, and he wants to help her. Billy is just shoved into a big brother role with a literal stranger. he didn’t know Max from a hole in the wall and all of a sudden he’s responsible for her every move, is punished when she does wrong, has to watch his father treat her better because she’s the golden child. all of this while some other woman is taking up the space his mother left behind and not doing anything to help Billy, whether she’s too afraid to speak up or she turns a blind eye.

while these two boys have similar early childhoods, their upbringing is simply not comparable. Billy and Jonathan had two different experiences, and pitting them against each other lauding one as a cycle-breaker and the other as a perpetuator completely ignores the nuances of their individual situations. abuse and trauma is not one size fits all. healing does not happen overnight. cycle-breaking can happen at any time, and Billy was robbed of the opportunity. Jonathan was in a state of healing, surrounded by people who loved and supported him. Billy was actively being abused every day, and never had the chance to discover who he could be without the dark cloud of Neil looming over him. you don’t have to like Billy to acknowledge that his situation is not the same as Jonathan’s, that these two boys were dealing with similar trauma in two very different circumstances.