Sordidsass-blog - Sordid Sass

We underappreciate the moment when nothing aches in our body.

I must say. I've been feeling more invisible than usual. I, too, am a minority. I, too, have been harassed, assaulted, and sexually assaulted by cops. I, too, have been discriminated against. I wish there were a biracial, first gen, gay role model. Niche market, amirite? Oh, don't forget with mental health issues and an intellectual living in the shadow of a brother with MR. I'm half tempted to just grab my backpack and live in the forest somewhere. Or pull a Margaret Cho, and be my own relatable role model. But instead, I'm scared into shutting down and hiding in my hellscape of a mind.

Things we've figured out about BPD on this blog

So like, i feel like we’ve made some progress conceptualizing some aspects of bpd, a lot of which arent really stated as symptoms officially, so im just gonna summarize some points that’ve been more or less deemed collectively relatable. 

 no concept of units of measurement, applies to time, weight, distance, etc. cannot determine sizes without reference point 

 General no concept of time, memories are not stored linearly, incapable of determining passing time without a clock 

- ‘thought cloud’ thinking, mostly abstract/conceptual where conclusions are drawn from general ideas rather than formulatic logical reasoning, meaning:  A -> ???…C-B-> A -> ??!! AD->B…. = D VS. A -> B -> C = D 

 no object permanence heavily related to relationships with other people, relationship and concept of person vanishes when not interacting, incapable of manifesting a mental image of person when trying recall them, may recall them more as a concept or idea

  maladaptive daydreaming, escapist tendency to live in an elaborate fantasy world instead of real life, often related to a ‘story’ you create of how your life should go where you may play the ‘tragic hero’, confusion results when real life doesn’t line up accordingly to this story 

psychotic symptoms more common than initially believed, including delusional thinking, illusory/hallucinatory things, paranoia, etc. tactile hallucinations, shadow people, insects, dots, etc.

 default perception of vision may be different than normal, colors are brighter, sounds/tastes/all senses are slightly amplified, static or ‘snow vision’ common, objects can warp or melt in peripheral or blurred vision, patterns and textured surfaces glitter, move, or go all trippy, solid colors or empty spaces are perceived as multiple colors simultaneously

 sense of hunger is nonexistent or dysfunctional, hunger based heavily on emotions instead of a physical body response 

  tendency to draw the following: swirls, sky imagery, eyes, trees, circuits, dots, floaty and abstract subject matter that reflects ‘living in your head’, not being grounded, and have an intangible/fractured or ever-morphing sense of identity 

wanting to be sick or clinging to self-destruction as a consistent quality to base identity off of is common, suffering is so ingrained into identity and sense of self that recover is undesirable, wanting to present the image of being fucked up because at least you know how to do that right - black and white/all or nothing thinking is present in literally every aspect of life and logic processing, instinctual way of processing conclusions, thoughts, and feelings only exist on two extremes with no concept of a middle ground, this conflict leads to not being able to decide any aspect of yourself which leads to nonexistent sense of self

dissociative symptoms work on a spectrum, may include varying degrees of depersonalization/derealization, may occur episodic or chronically, and can range from a ‘not entirely there’ permanent mental state to a temporary state of panic where you’re completely detached from reality. the range and frequency of these variations are dependent on the individual 

psuedohallucinatory voices or people in head, may be described as facets, alters, or some other mystery category, can be percieved as seperate entities or different parts of you, conversations with these voices are common and may happen out loud frequently. headmates

“imposter syndrome” very common, where you question the validity/existence of your disorder, question whether or not you may have a completely different disorder, worry about faking it or exaggerating symptoms, want to prove the existence of your illness by getting worse, etc.

lack of sympathy results from excess empathy, because of our ability to feel others emotions strongly, we must put up a wall and refuse to acknowledge other’s emotions at all, for fear of feeling them too strongly and getting hurt in the process. for example, refusal to help comforting someone emotionally, because allowing yourself to do so would make you secondhandedly feel the exact misery they’re feeling that lingers long after the interaction

it’s completely acceptable to stay alive for tiny reasons. because you want to hear your favorite song one more time. because your dog will miss you if you leave. because the moon is just too pretty to never see again. because you haven’t seen the next season of a really good tv show. because you want to see the christmas lights this year. if you’re alive, you’re doing enough. if you’re surviving, i’m proud of you.

i think sometimes trauma survivors fall into this place where it’s very hard to believe that anything that happened to you was that bad. and the only proof you have that it was that bad is that you’re suffering. and so healing can be really scary and difficult because it means giving up the only tangible evidence you have that you were traumatized in the first place 

The first Cybathlon pushed the limits of bionic technology

Andre van Rüschen slowly climbed a five-step ramp at the end of his race. With a black processor strapped to his back and leg supports on either side of his lower limbs, he stayed focused on the body-machine coordination that was keeping him upright.

Ha ha seriously tho.

😖😖😖😖😖

here’s to all the people whose lives will be endangered for the next four years. here’s to all the people who aren’t white, straight, cis, male, rich, old, abled or Christian.

here’s to the Jewish people, and Muslims, and Buddhists, and Sikhs, and atheists, and other non-Christian religions.

here’s to gay people, and lesbians, and transgender people, and bisexual people, and asexual people, and intersex people, and pansexual people, and agender people, and genderfluid people, and everyone else who isn’t straight or cis.

here’s to women, trans and cis and genderfluid and agender and intersex and otherwise. here’s to women who won’t be able to get an abortion or seek help from planned parenthood.

here’s to black people, and to brown people, and to Hispanics, and to Latinx people, and to people of Asian descent, and to Native Americans, and to mixed people, and to everyone else who isn’t white. here’s to the immigrants who don’t know if they’ll be able to stay in the same country as their family.

here’s to the young people who’ll be in debt for decades because of college tuition. here’s to the young people who can’t even afford to go to college in the first place. 

here’s to people who can’t afford to go to college. here’s to people who can’t get a well paying job because of their gender, race, sexual identity, or otherwise. here’s to people who will never know what it’s like to be financially comfortable. here’s to people that can’t afford a quick trip to the hospital and never will because of no medical insurance.

here’s to mentally disabled people, and physically disabled, and people who are both. here’s to mentally ill people who aren’t getting the help they need because they can’t pay for it or don’t know how to ask for it or are told they’re overreacting.

here’s to everyone who voted for a real change in order to be let down by the stupid and bigoted people in this racist, misogynistic, classist, abilist, anti-Semitic, Islamaphobic, homophobic, transphobic, and every other kind of ugly country. you don’t deserve this, and you never did.

and lastly: “all men are created equal.” here’s to that being the biggest piece of bullshit anyone has ever written.