Latest Posts by sophisticated-trash - Page 6

“What do you do in your free time!”

”oh uh-“

(Not mine just found it)

The supervillain sighs in frustration as he looks at the group of superheroes. “Alright raise your hands if you are adults?” he said. None of them did it. “This battle is canceled and tell your mayor we need to talk! today!” he said angrily.

Your mom sent you through the forest to bring a cake and a pot of butter to grandma. She warned you about the big bad wolf. You’ve just met the wolf, he’s thinking about calling CPS on your mom for leaving you alone in the dark woods.

You feel the emotions of anyone you touch. You accidentally brush hands with the barista when they hand you your coffee. You’re the most scared you’ve ever been in your entire life.

“What do you do in your free time!”

”oh uh-“

(Not mine just found it)

Bucky: *joining the Avengers for the first time* so, who’s in charge?

Tony: usually whoever shouts the loudest

Shuri: *can’t find Peter in the soul realm*

Shuri: *inhales*

Shuri: ROAD WORK AHEAD

2849647 teenagers who got dusted in the snap: UH YEAH I SURE HOPE IT DOES

Shuri: 

Shuri: oh no

Tony: *goes into peters room*

Peter: *closes laptop*

Tony: guess it’s just you and me tonight

Peter: okay, I’ll be down soon

Tony: *leaves and barges back in* whAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM ME

Peter: pORN

Tony: DONT LIE TO ME

Peter: fine I’m trying to send a message to this girl

Hydra Agent: I lured you all to my lair because I crave the deadliest game-

Bucky: [nodding] Knife monopoly

Sam:

Sharon:

Hydra Agent: I was actually going to hunt you all for sport, but now I’m interested in whatever knife monopoly is.

Pepper: what the fuck? why is the house on fire?

Peter: in my defence, Mr. Stark was supposed to be supervising me

Tony: and in my defence, I myself was left unsupervised

Pepper: Jesus Christ

*In a meeting with the avengers*

Peter, sleep deprived: SKELETONS AREN’T SCARY.

Peter: WE’RE FILLED WITH PULSING, OOZING MEAT

Avengers: *horrified silence*

Peter: IT’S THE MEAT THAT’S SCARY

Peter: THE MEAT.

Tony: *sobbing* Peter wha-

Natasha, talking in front of a camera: Yeah, so the Avengers are back together again. I think after two years we really needed a break to recollect and find ourselves individually. I think it really open ourselves a lot to each other :).

Meanwhile, Steve is coming from behind: WHO THE FUCK ATE ALL THE HOT POCKETS!

Tony, shoving the last entire hot pocket in front of him: What you gonna do about it?

Steve: *Screams*

Tony: *Steps on top of a stool and Screams higher to insert dominance*

Natasha: Ahh, it really feels like home whenever you’re around each other :).

Y/N: Here's a fun idea: we hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing the person we're caught underneath with, we have to FIGHT them.

Steve: No doll, we're not doing that.

Bucky, nodding: Mistlefoe.

Steve: Buck, DON'T encourage her-

Psychology App ➤ Learn, grow and improve yourself ➤ Visit: PsychologyDaily.com

“Someone you haven’t even met yet is wondering what it’d be like to know someone like you.”

— Iain Thomas

“The best kind of people are the ones who come into your life, and make you see the sun where you once saw clouds. The people who believe in you so much, you start to believe in you too. The people who love you, simply for being you.”

— Unknown

Space Orcs and Boredom

I'd think that humans are one of the most prone to boredom out of all the space-faring species. It's deeply engrained in our modern culture that time should be spent doing something. Often times, especially due to consumerism, we will waste it on empty, pointless things.

However, due to creativity and an impressive set of dexterity skills, it can get pretty interesting.

Imagine your human crewmates holding a competition to see who can climb around a table the fastest. A table. Now imagine it's just one of them. Who figured it out themselves. And then uploaded it to the human internet.

Just. Everything. Everything about this video proves my point. We're chaos boredom creatures.

Since I can’t find the original posts (and if anyone can, let me know) I’ll just post this image to show people, who may not know, where all this “humans are space orcs” stuff started. 

Humans are weird “Tears for Everything”

Hey all. Didn’t think I would get this sort of response, but since I have. I have decided to do at least one of these “Humans are Weird or Humans are Space Orcs” every day. If you have any ideas you’d like to see me write, I’d be thankful for suggestions. 

Alien: *walks in to mess hall sees human sitting at a table crying*

Alien “Human, what is wrong. Why is your face leaking.”

*human looks up wiping eyes* 

Human: *Sorry, I’m just really upset. This is what happens when humans are upset, we cry….. There was a bombing back home, none of my family is answering.”

Alien: *walks back in later, human still crying*

Alien: “Oh no, human, are you ok? What is wrong?”

*human looks up wipes eyes again*

Human: “Oh sorry.” grins “my family just called back and they’re ok.”

Alien: *in confusion* “Why are you upset about that?”

Human: “Oh no, you misunderstand. Humans also cry when we’re happy or relieved 

Alien *rolls eyes but doesn’t question. Humans are weird after all 

Alien *returns later to see the humans in s big circle, all of them are crying so hard they are almost bent double. They have to be upset.*

Alien: “What’s wrong now?”

human: *regains breath and wipes tears from eyes, “Nothing, nothing, Jim just told a really funny joke. Laughed so hard I cried.”

Alien: *annoyed now. Walks away shaking his head*

Alien: *walks in to lab and is nearly hit by a metal trey flying towards the wall*

human: *screams in anger tears rolling down their face*

Alien: *tentatively peeks out from behind shelf* “are you alright, human?

Human: “NO I’M NOT ALRIGHT. I’M PISSED OFF!” *turns away wiping eyes*

Alien: *hurried from the room to scared to be annoyed*

human: *sneezes*

Alien: *turns around to find human’s face leaking again, exasperated* “What NOW? Why can you possibly be upset, happy, or angry NOW?”

Human: *looking confused* “I’m not any of those, my allergies are just really bad right now.”

Alien: *Sputtering in exasperation*

*out on a mission, the planet is freezing cold*

Alien: *looks at human*

Human *dribbling from the eyes and nose. this Cannot be laughter or allergies, they have to be upset*

Alien: “What’s wrong human?”

Human: *wipes nose* “Nothing, just cold.”

Alien: “You’re ****ing kidding me.”

*Human yawns. wipes eyes*

Alien “What now! What now. How can you possibly be doing this now. Are you hungry, horny or frustrated WHAT! WHAT IS THIS RIDDLE!”

*human: holds up hands wiping eyes* “nothing just tired is all”

Alien *screams in frustration*

Alien: *glares at human as human wipes their eyes*

Human: *Sees the look* “Sorry, eyes are burning. don’t know why”

Alien: *stands up* “Don’t know why. Don’t know why. Of course you don’t know why” *storms out. Opens human behavior log. scribbles our years of dedicated note taking. Writes In big bold letters*

WE KNOW NOTHING

Mother Earth: And to you, Human, I shall give you great Endurance and a thick skin, remarkable mimicry and visual tracking skills, strong inner bones which heal back even stronger when broken, an omnivorous diet with acute palates and resistance to most poisons, a pack organization, skin-stealing skills and the ability to throw things with ease and accuracy using your upper limbs, so you shall reign the hot savannahs and deserts as the greatest pursuit predator ever. Also as primates you shall not be bound to mating seasons and with your strong self-healing instincts and great adaptability, you shall rise and be numerous as ever.

Human: Mkay but what's that nice little red fruit outta there

Mother Earth: ... That's a pepper. Do not eat it, as it contains capsaicin, and you're still a mammal. This is a fruit for the birds.

Human: But it look tasty

Mother Earth: I mean, unless you want to be curling yourself down on utter pain, you should not...

Human: *already biting it* tast y

Mother Earth: HUMAN PLEASE STOP--

Human: *already crying, curling themself up down and shedding tears of pain*

Mother Earth: I told you. Stay away from that fruit

Human: *takes another bite despite the pain*

Mother Earth: What the everloving Big Bang, HUMAN PLEASE STOP IT'S TO YOUR OWN GOOD

Human: *crying* T A S T YYYY

Mother Earth: *concerned motherworld noises*

Humans are... confusing

Human expressions confuse me a lot of the time so I can’t imagine what it would be like for an alien

Human: *drops something* oh fuck me! Alien: *blushes* Um I… umm… Human: Oh no no! Sorry! That’s just an expression we say! I don’t want you to actually… ya know *laughs* Alien: *smiles* Phew! I thought you actually wanted me to engage in sexual activities with you which worried me as I find the fleshy and hairless human form to be really quite repulsive. My mistake! Human: …cheers

Space Australia

This trend has probably died out, but screw it I’m gonna make this. It’s been well established that Humans could probably have a lot of weird adaptations that Aliens just... don’t have. The aliens get weirded out by humans a lot, especially when it comes to sneezing.

Human: *sneezes*

Alien: WHAT IN THE NAME OF LORELIAK WAS THAT?

Human: oh, just my allergies

Alien: What are... Alla-gees?

Human: oh, they’re just *VIOLENT SNEEZE* when your body thinks that something—like this dust— is a virus and tries to get rid of it. Humans sneeze all the time.

Alien: dust can make humans sick!

Human: ah, AH, *makes a stupid face*

Alien: AGHAJSKDLDKS

Human: nope. Not gonna sneeze.

——

Alien: Then, we’ll—

Human A:*tiny, delicate, high-pitched “ah-choo”

Other humans: *giggle at the sound*

Human A: *tiny sneeze*

Alien: um... A? Why are you making that sound?

Human B: omg their sneeze is so cute.

Alien: bodily protection against illness is... cute???

—

Human A sitting at a table with her dad: Alien, meet my dad

Alien: nice to meet you, conceiver of human A

Human A’s Dad: *sneezes so hard he hits his head on the table*

Alien: ... What?

Weird Humans: Supression of basic needs in face of greater goals.

Humans have a history of denying themselves basic needs in face of a greater goals. Some humans become so consumed by their set task that needs such as sleep, food, hydration, and safety are put aside. At The Gathering, one of the largest gaming conventions in Europe, a part of the volunteer crew is tasked with making rounds to check that people are following up on their basic needs for sustenance, sleep, and movement. Certain athlethes will abstain from physical contact, paeticularly sexual contact, to improve their focus before an event. Artists, office workers, soldiers, nurses - allmost every group of humans can bring forth a story, either from personal experience, or heresay, to underline the human ability to repress basic needs for a period to accomplish something.

And then you have the optimized aliens who have seen the light and have structured everything so that they have every need met at mostly any given time. Now, take this alien and put them in a group project with other humans. Who are of a mind to finish everything quickly and then slack for the rest of the allocated time. Because humans are experts at using external stimulants, such as caffeine and nicotine, to supress being tired or hunger. Because college is no joke and humans are good at riding the bullshit wave.

Imagine some haggard student introducing his alien friend to the great Student God: Bullshitticus, and his two lovely muses Thesaurata and Caffeinata. Alien never studied human religious practices and gets awed about the fact that there is a human deity dedicated to writing papers, and his muses are the personifications of a vocabulary and an external stimulant used to forcefully keep people awake. Of course human student is full of caffeine and running on spite and pizza, so they forget to mention that this god is an old tumblr meme (and aliens have actually made courses that study memes) so this Alien edits the Horrendous Human Handbook ™. The knowledge spreads and aliens are baffled. The humans familiar with this old meme will quietly laugh and pretend nothing is wrong, because humans are also masters of waiting to see if shit hits the fan in a hillarious manner.

Humans Are Weird - Musical Memes

“Attention everyone, this is Captain Xy’lar speaking. I have a very important message from the Earth president for all human crew members which I will now play.”

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna…

The whole (human) crew erupted into loud groans, a few started singing along but most people looked annoyed.

The non-human crew did not understand the significance of this song and why the Earth President felt the need to send this message.

Just going home...

Space Chefs

So I don’t know if anyone’s written about this yet, but I was trawling through the humans-are-space-orcs tag and I was hit by the sudden realization that I’ve seen nothing about space chefs. 

Space chefs must be like one of the most knowledgable professions out there, think about it:

“Alright, so this is a Crexian from Norix- that means capsicum is a deadly poison, Omega-3 will cause muscle spasms and due to the atmosphere on Norix, calcium will give them terrible diarrhea- no wait, this is a male, so Omega-3 is actually delicious–”

“–a Bio-bot, model Gamma-341, so absolutely no organic oils in anything or their systems will stop working, and for Stabby’s sake do not let anything with iron in it so much as look funny at their food–”

“–Mariddian fresh out of hibernation, shove as many protein additives into that meat as you can get away with and remember not to use salt, it fries their neural pathways–”

Like. I bet there’s an Interstellar Chef magazine in circulation full of recipes that are two pages long and then all the species that can and cannot eat it are listed for the next five. And every time a new species joins the intergalactic mess, the magazine runs a special issue as all the space chefs die a little more inside. The special issue gives a brief breakdown of the new species biology and then dives straight into what’s poison, what’s nutritional, what’s considered delicious and whats considered choke-worthy. If at all possible, the special issue also includes recipies from the species native culture while all the space chefs desperately try to figure out what dishes they can jury-rig into a new definition of edible.

They probably love humans though.

“Hey Jaxki, did you hear about the new species that the Crynsu found? They’re supposedly from a Death World, can you belie–”

“Oh fuck another speices?!?! They found three last spin and I’m still trying to figure out what to feed the Hrethad. Any word what they eat? You get the Chef before me.”

“Hold up let me look, I just got it today…void and dust!”

“Oh novas, what, can they not have water or something?”

“Jaxi these fuckers eat everything! They can digest chlorogenic acid! Some of them do it every day, by the void-loving gallon!!! And that’s just the nose of the Quarlag! This thing has a whole list of chemicals these guys consider delicious or edible and I swear to you it’s like someone mixed their list of the universe’s most common compounds with its spacing deadliest poisons!”

“Oh thank FUCK.”