The Leprechaun And The Golfer

It's almost that time of year fellas

posts for people who hate freud: the sequel

Kevin Fiege: Loki is an ally of Thanos.

Me:

Space Chefs

So I don’t know if anyone’s written about this yet, but I was trawling through the humans-are-space-orcs tag and I was hit by the sudden realization that I’ve seen nothing about space chefs. 

Space chefs must be like one of the most knowledgable professions out there, think about it:

“Alright, so this is a Crexian from Norix- that means capsicum is a deadly poison, Omega-3 will cause muscle spasms and due to the atmosphere on Norix, calcium will give them terrible diarrhea- no wait, this is a male, so Omega-3 is actually delicious–”

“–a Bio-bot, model Gamma-341, so absolutely no organic oils in anything or their systems will stop working, and for Stabby’s sake do not let anything with iron in it so much as look funny at their food–”

“–Mariddian fresh out of hibernation, shove as many protein additives into that meat as you can get away with and remember not to use salt, it fries their neural pathways–”

Like. I bet there’s an Interstellar Chef magazine in circulation full of recipes that are two pages long and then all the species that can and cannot eat it are listed for the next five. And every time a new species joins the intergalactic mess, the magazine runs a special issue as all the space chefs die a little more inside. The special issue gives a brief breakdown of the new species biology and then dives straight into what’s poison, what’s nutritional, what’s considered delicious and whats considered choke-worthy. If at all possible, the special issue also includes recipies from the species native culture while all the space chefs desperately try to figure out what dishes they can jury-rig into a new definition of edible.

They probably love humans though.

“Hey Jaxki, did you hear about the new species that the Crynsu found? They’re supposedly from a Death World, can you belie–”

“Oh fuck another speices?!?! They found three last spin and I’m still trying to figure out what to feed the Hrethad. Any word what they eat? You get the Chef before me.”

“Hold up let me look, I just got it today…void and dust!”

“Oh novas, what, can they not have water or something?”

“Jaxi these fuckers eat everything! They can digest chlorogenic acid! Some of them do it every day, by the void-loving gallon!!! And that’s just the nose of the Quarlag! This thing has a whole list of chemicals these guys consider delicious or edible and I swear to you it’s like someone mixed their list of the universe’s most common compounds with its spacing deadliest poisons!”

“Oh thank FUCK.”

Humans are... confusing

Human expressions confuse me a lot of the time so I can’t imagine what it would be like for an alien

Human: *drops something* oh fuck me! Alien: *blushes* Um I… umm… Human: Oh no no! Sorry! That’s just an expression we say! I don’t want you to actually… ya know *laughs* Alien: *smiles* Phew! I thought you actually wanted me to engage in sexual activities with you which worried me as I find the fleshy and hairless human form to be really quite repulsive. My mistake! Human: …cheers

Bucky: *joining the Avengers for the first time* so, who’s in charge?

Tony: usually whoever shouts the loudest

I’ve been really getting into Space Orcs

Alien: Jake, what are you doing? Human: Oh, hey K’van. I’m just petting my cat. A: … what. H: Y’know, my animal companion? They use touch to express affection, so I’m petting her. A: But… is that not a predator of your world? I know of its cousins, and some of them aren’t much larger than that! You wouldn’t pet those, would you? H: First of all, if given the opportunity, and assuming they wouldn’t tear my arm off, I completely would, because I love cats. Second of all, yes, literally everything about Mittens is designed to kill. She has toe pads and a stride that make her virtually silent, whiskers that can detect the slightest movement, and retractable claws and razor sharp teeth. She can also jump, like, at least to my height. Yeah, she’s got at least two ways to kill me if she ever decided to. A: Then why would you ever domesticate a creature like this?! H: Well, we didn’t. A: I’m sorry, what? H: Yeah, they’re genetically and behaviorally identical to their ancestors. They just kinda hung around us because there were lots of rats and mice around our grain stores. A: So, you have essentially wild animals in your homes that don’t hurt you because they tolerate your presence? H: Yeah, pretty much. But they’re pretty affectionate. A: Really. H: Yeah, if we die and can’t feed them, our corpses are their last resort. A: This world is beyond screwed up.