Au Where Eberytjings The Same But They Have To Go To Five Guyd

Mother Earth: And to you, Human, I shall give you great Endurance and a thick skin, remarkable mimicry and visual tracking skills, strong inner bones which heal back even stronger when broken, an omnivorous diet with acute palates and resistance to most poisons, a pack organization, skin-stealing skills and the ability to throw things with ease and accuracy using your upper limbs, so you shall reign the hot savannahs and deserts as the greatest pursuit predator ever. Also as primates you shall not be bound to mating seasons and with your strong self-healing instincts and great adaptability, you shall rise and be numerous as ever.

Human: Mkay but what's that nice little red fruit outta there

Mother Earth: ... That's a pepper. Do not eat it, as it contains capsaicin, and you're still a mammal. This is a fruit for the birds.

Human: But it look tasty

Mother Earth: I mean, unless you want to be curling yourself down on utter pain, you should not...

Human: *already biting it* tast y

Mother Earth: HUMAN PLEASE STOP--

Human: *already crying, curling themself up down and shedding tears of pain*

Mother Earth: I told you. Stay away from that fruit

Human: *takes another bite despite the pain*

Mother Earth: What the everloving Big Bang, HUMAN PLEASE STOP IT'S TO YOUR OWN GOOD

Human: *crying* T A S T YYYY

Mother Earth: *concerned motherworld noises*

Bucky: *joining the Avengers for the first time* so, who’s in charge?

Tony: usually whoever shouts the loudest

Ron : Now that snape is DADA professor, who will teach potion?

Y/n : I heard it’s Gordon Ramsay

Ron : Who is that?

Hermione : Oh no!

Harry : We are screwed

Potion Class

Prof. Ramsay : COME HEREEE DONKEY! Look! What is this?

Draco : Dragon, sir

Prof. Ramsay : This fucking dragon is still raw it can still fly! Fuck Off!

Prof. Ramsay : FINNIGAN! YOU ARE BREWING IN A BURNING CAULDRON YOU FUCKING DICK!

Prof. Ramsay : WHERE IS THE LAMB SAUCE!?!?!?!?!?

Prof. Ramsay : YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU, FUCK OFF! AND ONE MORE THING, FUCK OFF!

KDJ: I like murder mysteries

YJH, trying to impress him: I've been the prime suspect in four homicide investigations

Based on this post

Hydra Agent: I lured you all to my lair because I crave the deadliest game-

Bucky: [nodding] Knife monopoly

Sam:

Sharon:

Hydra Agent: I was actually going to hunt you all for sport, but now I’m interested in whatever knife monopoly is.

random teenager, posting an unhinged shitpost ab sandman/good omens/etc at 3 am

neil gaiman, reposting at 4 am