My Grief Feels Large And Heavy I Have Cried Into Buckets And Now I Am Carrying Them Around Like A Punishment

Lose Focus - Drew Alexander

“Oh can you count the miles between us, like constellations in your eyes”

You and I stand at the Shop counter We are buying a Freshly baked blueberry pie To bring over to your Brother's home towns away

You stand patiently In your thick woolen Overcoat, in the many layers Under your violet skirt That has faded to lilac

The shopkeeper counts Our shared coins And you look at me With the warmest eyes On this blistering afternoon

You look at me so innocently In this small, warm Bakery, like looking At me could melt the winter From our hats and mittens

You say thank you to the Kind man with the Graying mustache in The coziest voice I know as if it were my own

We walk down the street Down to the train, where You will sit close Beside me, and it will Not be the pie that warms us

My old friend My old lover I've given up Trying to figure out Who we are To each other

Your hands in mine My head to yours There are butterflies Inside of me Because you feel warm

Take the lead I will follow you And if you decide One day That being At my side Bothers you

Then let me stand Still Alone In the place we met Our secret home My love is yours Not borrowed You can come back Any time Any tomorrow

Don't be afraid To lose my face I've roots in the ground Be honest with me Talk to me I'll always be around I've never once Abandoned you Or lost the love we found There are no chains Promises to break When you hold me We aren't bound

And then you touch me Yes you touch me I'm heated and overwhelmed For so long I've kept Your touch Locked up inside myself You let me let it out

You stood with me In our secret place And put your hand On my shoulder

We wouldn't have Imagined this Is how we'd be When we got older

Maybe we thought We'd be far apart Or colder But look me in the eyes All they do is smolder

Just for you We're both softer now Just with you Your head to my brow I could write forever Just about how It feels with you right now

Your life is yours And mine is mine On the days they come Together it's divine They do not belong To just one place in time From there I glow From here we shine

We are all down to earth here Even the birds in the sky Especially the beetles and bees and flies All as one on our mystical sphere We are all down to earth here

We are all part of the dust If we piled it up, what would it be? Would we create a new being entirely? The magic of our world is hushed We are all part of the dust

Two star signs, two ruled by The moon and sun All the other signs are planets They are the exception The royal luminaries Glowing in their heaven

Two signs formed side by side In the vastness A sparkling duality amidst the Ever orbiting constellations

Together here, if nowhere else In the maps, in the blue The moon and sun Exist forever in twilight In that narrow stretch of time Where day and night softly meet

Did you think that I would change? That my eyes and nose And lips would rearrange? Did you worry that my kiss Would taste different Or just wouldn't feel the same?

Did you worry I would smell wrong? Like I was new Like you didn't know My pheromones? That my scent wouldn't be as It had been all along?

Did you hear my voice a new way? Did it feel foreign on your ears Like you hadn't heard it Every day? Did the notes in songs I sang Sound cracked and frayed?

Did you think my hands would feel new? That they wouldn't be the ones That knew you? Or you wouldn't want to hold them Maybe you were afraid So you refused to

I would have loved you just the same The way I used my body Wouldn't have changed Unless you wanted me to That same softness would remain I'm still carrying your name I hold our torch And I'm forever carrying our flame

She used to look out the window With eyes darting around Like the fluttering of birds Was the greatest joy she found And marvel at the rustling leaves Chirping and chittering sounds Enthralled by creatures great and Small that roam upon the ground

Hardly would she ever venture Out into that very wild land So safe behind that pane of glass So safe to let her world expand Sometimes we would sit by the door Glory under that sun so grand She lived a quietly sheltered life It was a choice I understand

I cut off my hair And the great weight of my life Fell away with it

Now my eyes watch moths And spiders, crickets in the night, Infinity's glowing diamonds, The darkest skies alight.

I keep company in blades of grass That were browned by the sun. An eternity of passions passed, If asked, I'll say it's done.

Belong do I to the moon And what it does to all the sea. It cycles through all I have left, We're bound, the moon and me.

I was assigned fire at birth Or so the star mappers say And I can identify with that With the colors, the heat Fire is a passion, yes, I am that

Water I've always envisioned As quiet, calm, serene But I met water as a flash flood There were never any warnings

I swam without being doused How is that possible? But it's something I've never Known since, water is wet after all

I can relate to earth, to air In fact, these elements speak to me More than fire or water have So I've belonged to both of them

Fire and water though How steamy we were together You'd think we would have clashed But we were purple, complementary

Time is the only element I've been seen with these days Water, at the end of it all My body consists mostly of you Which is really quite an apt metaphor