Skimbledankstheradicalcat - Messy

Baymax!

Musings About Being Addicted To Sadness

TW: depression, addiction, suicide

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Addiction runs in my family. Alcohol is the big one but drugs and food are as well. I managed to dodge the alcoholism because I could never get the taste for it. Unfortunately, I find myself addicted to sadness. To misery. I crave it. I intentionally do things to make myself sad or wallow in my feelings when sad things happen. I shop for misery on the internet and I savor it in my mind until I'm nothing but a heap on my bed silently weeping into the night until I just fall asleep.

I feel a relief from sadness akin to the feeling of a painkiller finally kicking in. It's just a wash of peace. I feel at home in it. And that scares me. Part of me is screaming to do something. Dance. Sing. Talk. Run around. Do something -- Anything -- to make it stop so I don't barrel toward something dangerous. But god, I am addicted.

It pulls me in and holds onto me and feels like a warm blanket. The way it blocks me from joy and from life feels like protection. It feels like it's encouraging me to just sleep. Rest. All I ever need is rest. Even if my eyes are tired and dry from crying every few hours. Even if my belly aches from hunger from refusing food. Even if my heart burns from the lack of water. Even if I'm dying. I don't care. Why would I? Dying is the the ultimate form of peace, right? The long silence. The sleep that doesn't end. How could that not be enticing? When you're dead, there's no need for hunger. No need for water. No need for tears. You just rest. You don't have to face yourself or the morbid world ever again. Why wouldn't I want it?

Eventually I always feel better. I look back on the way I wallowed and I feel silly for it. I've felt real, true pain before but I didn't feel it just now so why did it consume me just the same? Then it rears its ugly head again, "You're so stupid for feeling sad over nothing. You have nothing to be sad about and you're throwing a pity party. You're pathetic. The only reason you should feel sad is because you're a whiny insignificant girl who constantly cries wolf on her own brain."

It tries to suck me back in. Usually it succeeds. Sometimes it doesn't. On those good days where it doesn't, I realize it's too late. I've already wasted the day away. I've already cursed myself with a nausea that food can't fix. I've exhausted myself to the point where I'll never sleep that night. I've alienated a loved one who only wanted to help. And all I can do is apologize and hope I haven't finally pushed them to the point of not caring anymore. I can't blame them for not caring. You can only care so much about someone who isn't helping themselves.

I try so hard to improve. I go to the therapist. I take the meds. I read the self help books. I do the worksheets. I meditate or exercise when I have the energy but the progress is so slow that that blanket will slide back over me to tell me to rest. It's too much energy. I'll never get better. And I either have to let it comfort me in its own twisted, life-draining way, or I have to use the last of my energy to shove it off. I wish I could burn the blanket. I wish I could rip it to shreds. I wish I could throw it in the dirt and bury it.

But I can't. I need it.

And I hate it so very much that I do.

Do not under any circumstances, argue with fascists.

You will never win because they do not want to change their minds. All they want is to have an argument- to make their position seem rational and normal

Correct fascist misinformation only when the fascists themselves aren't present or the target of the information. So they won't be automatically platformed for running their mouths in response.

Treating fascist ideas with any sort of dignity normalizes them as a rational opinion that normal people have. These are not normal ideas. Do not treat them as such.

Do not provide fascist arguments with detailed rebuttals with evidence and sources and explanations as to why they are wrong.

Do not let them put you in a position where you have to be the one on defense, rather, just call them what thry are: Nasty annoying douchebags that are being hateful.

Shut down their stupid hateful arguments by calling them fucking stupid and hateful and refusing to give them the time of day.

Let them make a fool of themselves by trying to prove their obviously bigoted bullshit talking points aren't bigoted bullshit.

The proper response to "immigrants are rapist criminals that need to be deported" is not to provide statistics about how productive immigrants are and how few crimes they commit. The proper response is "what the fuck is wrong with you, you racist fucking asshole".

I just think it would be extremely funny if the irelands got back together and wales and scotland passed independence referendums under Charles bc it'd be like waiting until your mom died to come out

Snow flakes have the same structure as human neurons. Some scientists have suggested that, water being conductive, large snow banks may be able to function as intelligent brains.

Finished my work on this Laudna marionette.  🐀🪡🧵

Design based on @lorn-art ‘s [Strings] 

Problematic nature of blowjobs aside, a man telling you that he will miss your blowjobs and not you is :/ :/

PROBLEMATIC NATURE OF BLOWJOBS?

Cardinal Lawrence is the funniest man ever. He keeps sending his pet Monsignor to go snooping around for him, and when he comes back with intel half the time Lawrence says “no, don’t tell me… I mustn’t be influenced…” and then his Monsignor says “but your Eminence the tea is exceptionally hot today” and Larry pulls out his gay little cup and drinks that shit like a starving man at a feast who’s trying to pretend he’s only a little peckish